10/27 星期三

每個公司都應該有個舒服的衛生間，幹淨，溫暖，柔和的燈光，舒緩的音樂... 衛生間不單是為了‘方便’，於我，那裏是最後的避難所。有時候坐在電腦前，看著不停閃爍的chat窗口，堆積如山的emails，卻沒有自己期待的那一封，疲倦，不停的逼迫自己工作卻無法提起精神，壓力到一定的警戒線，我就會躲到衛生間去。什麽都不幹，隻是坐在暖烘烘的toilet上（God bless whoever invented it)，發呆，想一想自己試圖不再去想的事情，有時候崩潰的哭一會兒，10-15分鍾，發泄完畢，情緒穩定，整理一下妝容，沒事兒人一樣的回到自己的桌前。15分鍾前那個在衛生間裏歇斯底裏發作的自己，並未消失，隻是暫時的被抑製住，不知道什麽時候還會出現。但至少不會在辦公室裏失態，於人於己，都是件大大的好事。不知道別人有沒有這樣的狀況，或者是我需要去看therapist. 至少我可以在一定範圍內控製住情緒，問題似乎還不是critical.

10月末，各種Performance Measurement, 和上司談話，覺得很麻煩。Sometimes I wish everybody or everything could just leave me alone, dont bother, please... But that is just the fantasy, and I definitely dont want my boss to leave me alone, which would be a very bad sign. 有時候想想，life is quite funny, 每個人都在演戲，或者演自己，或者演別人眼裏的自己，說一些言不由衷的話，做一些不得不做的事情。Lots of times, there is a voice inside my head saying 'what the f*ck u doing?', or 'have you lost your f*cking mind?', or 'you must be kidding to say those BS...' blah blah... Yes, I did say whatever my boss would like to hear, which I honestly dont give shit, so what?! Its not really a fun game to try manipulating people's minds, but think about what you wanna achieve, -- 'Just do it', lol.

When it comes to relationship issues, the same shit... lol. B is coming back, and I supposed to be excited for seeing him after 4 months, but the truth is that, I am totally freaked out. I am not sure how to deal with him in real life, and not sure what I expect from him, or what he is able to offer. I send cheerful messages to him all the time, just becasue thats what he wanna see, a happy little gf who is waiting for him home. If I complain about things or question on our future, it would only lead to argument, so why bother? I dont know whats going on, and I am trying to care less, nothing I can do, and I am tired of making any effort. we will see.

[jgey]

被逼無奈，嗬嗬

[sony008]

你慢慢長大啦

[jgey]

哈哈...你還怕人看哦...

[G.C.]

終於有更新了。有個舒服的衛生間不錯啦，我們的廁所門的縫隙太大，總覺的外麵的人能看見。