2009 年 7 月 5 日 ，星期日
我從來沒有像這樣在第一次見麵時便得到他人的信任和感激。在最初遇到這些甘肅老鄉的時候，我也從來沒有想過他們會以如此燦爛的笑容和熱情歡迎我的到來。雖然我的 ` “天使心”的旅程剛剛開始，但已有了一家人的感覺，感受到了將誌願者們和那些甘肅病童家庭連接起來的那份愛和信任。鄉親們熱情地和幾分鍾前還是陌生人的我握手。他們不再是電腦上照片中陌生的麵孔。他們從與現實隔離的電子文件夾中走出來，而我，開始了解他們的名字，笑容，和故事。
3 歲的MJ是一個特別快樂的小女孩，喜歡笑著重複人們對她說的話。人們都說她是一個愛笑的孩子。當她用一句陽光的“你好”來迎接所有的人，有時還伴一個“謝謝”的時候，你很難不以笑容回應。二月份聽到她手術成功後，我們心中的大石頭終於落了下來。幾個月來，她恢複得很好。
來到 “ 天使心 ” 定西工作站的任務不僅僅是與已痊愈的孩子們交流和他們複查，同時會與等待治療的孩子們的家長接觸，他們來到這裏希望可以監測自己孩子的情況。劉醫生讓我聽了孩子們的心跳。每當我聽到一次心髒的跳動，我都感覺那像一陣風吹過的聲音。我曾經學過心髒的雜音，還考過這方麵的試，但對我而言，它一直顯得那麽不真實。直到我真正聽到從這些孩子們的身體裏傳出來的雜音，我才意識到我在書中不經意掠過的術語是如何在威脅這些孩子的未來。
LNN是一個心髒有嚴重雜音的七歲女孩。她的母親告訴我們，僅管如此，她依舊很愛活動，並且成績在年級名列前茅。當她的母親誇獎她時，她雙頰緋紅，非常害羞。這是我第一次看到她臉上的陰霾褪去。
中午，贈送禮品的環節將聚會推向尾聲。剛開始，隻有年齡稍大一點的孩子走近我們誌願者們，看著桌上的書本和學習用品，但不久，越來越多的孩子們含著微笑，帶著驚奇的目光向我們走來。他們收到禮品時感激的眼神和興奮的神情不知是使我感到欣喜還是惆悵。他們收到了過冬的衣物，書籍和學習用品，雖說不各色具備，但是從他們臉上掛著的笑容中我能讀懂：就連這麽簡陋的饋贈也已是孩子們收到過的最貴重的禮品了。
在誌願者們，醫護人員與病人及家屬交流的過程中，我看到我的姐姐與LXH緊緊相擁，這個小女孩去年才做了手術。雖然那時她們僅接觸了非常短暫的一段時間，但是XH康複的過程以及天使心給予她的希望將她們緊密地連接在了一起，親如家人一般。當時我的姐姐陪著XH度過了整個手術和恢複過程，現在她倆成為了永遠的朋友。我情不自禁地聯想到自己在這裏也有了很多可以在下次迎接我的朋友，我可以像姐姐一樣擁抱他們。
聚會散去後，天使心的誌願者們接著去探訪甘肅農村的三個家庭。每戶人家都要在彎曲的路上開數小時，而沿路極其荒涼，除了崎嶇不平的道路和灰塵，什麽也沒有。說空中的塵土像雲一般揚起都不能描述當時的情況，似乎這塵土是空氣的一部分，覆蓋著沿路的農舍。我看到三個男孩在路邊玩著破布條，我僅能透過厚重肮髒的塵土看到他們的輪廓。
通往探訪家庭的小徑又長又陡峭。我們所有的人都走得氣喘籲籲，同時心中納悶，那些心髒有問題的孩子們他們如此脆弱的心髒怎麽能負荷長此往返於連我們正常人都感到筋疲力竭的陡峭的山道上。
走到小徑的盡頭，我們看到 17 歲的 MJL 正站在他家的屋前等待“天使心”的來訪者。他恭迎著每個誌願者，雙手緊握著我們的手說道：叔叔，阿姨，歡迎你們！我很驚訝自己受到如此高的禮遇，而他僅比我長兩歲。他的真誠和熱情深深地感動了我們所有人。
MJL 的家非常簡陋。在他的床鋪上方屋頂有一塊防水帆布罩著，這是防止在他睡覺時有雨水滴在他的臉上，而在屋內其他部位的上方就沒有防水布了。床的上方懸掛著一副禦寒用的耳套，父親解釋說這裏夜間非常寒冷，如果不用耳套，惟恐冷空氣將雙耳凍傷。
我還注意到這家人的布鞋上都是洞。
我詢問 MJL 上幾年級，他簡單地回答道：“六年級”。離他家最近的學校走路過去也非常遠，得翻山越嶺，有些障礙物甚至是難以逾越的。由於他的身體虛弱和家境貧窮，獲得良好的教育對他來說是天方夜譚。
接下來我們遇見了ZLN，她是一個年齡與我相仿的女孩。雖然她很害羞，但比起 MJL 來說已經很健談了。他們兩者都具備頑強的意誌力，並且對前途充滿了期望。
在我們離開之前將筆盒和筆記本贈與她時，她眼裏充滿了感激的淚水並且感動得說不出話來。李博士告訴我：甘肅的孩子們收到禮物很高興並不僅僅是因為他們獲得了禮品，而是因為他們沒有想到從富裕家庭走出來的我們會關心他們，關注他們。當我身邊的同齡人都期盼著在甚至不重要的日子獲得禮物時，甘肅的百姓們都在為如何生存和養家糊口而擔憂，在教育方麵的差別塑造了我們完全不同的人生觀，價值觀。如果有人送給ZLN一個 IPod ，這對她而言毫無價值。我們給她的是很多美國小孩都視為負擔的接受教育的機會。
盡管如此，我從來沒有看到過有人因為收到一份禮物而如此開心。而我，也從來沒有因為送出一份禮物如此快樂過。
2009 年 7 月 6 日 ，星期一
我一生中第一次看到了心髒的跳動。
多少年來我在看電影和電視時都避免觀看銀幕上做手術的畫麵， 而這次，我是站在手術台上親眼觀看手術過程。這次的手術將會該改變一個名叫WT的孩子的一生，他事前被診斷出室間隔缺損。整整三個小時，李博士和我們這些誌願者目不轉睛地看著 “ 甘肅省人民醫院 ” 的外科醫生如何修補WT的心髒，整個過程進行得非常順利。
當我們離開手術室，一眼便看到WT的父母親在門外焦灼地等待著。李博士急忙上前告訴他們手術十分成功。他們不久就能見著孩子了，WT的父母立即上前緊握李博士的雙手，感激之情油然而生，臉上露出了輕鬆和幸福的笑容。
隨後我們“天使心”一行來到醫院探訪來複查的孩子們。由於是近距離的接觸，我對MRY和MJ有了進一步的了解。我們幫他們拍了照片並且拿給他們看，他們和他們的父母都高興地笑了。剛剛開始蹣跚學步的他們，指著照片中的自己大喊著各自的名字。MJ，一個非常調皮的孩子，手舞足蹈地轉著圈叫喊著“哎呀呀”！MRY較MJ寡言許多，一副害羞的模樣，她總是張著一雙又圓又大的眼睛看著我們。在她母親的暗示下和MJ充滿活力的笑聲中，她也漸漸露出了笑容。她的微笑對於我們來說同樣具有感染力。
在我們即將離開醫院時，一個名叫NHX的小姑娘對我們說 “ 再見，姐姐 ” 。她微微地向我們鞠躬，臉上綻放出燦然的笑容。當我在想她是怎樣使唇間的笑容在眼中繼續蔓延時，我們唯一自然的回應是報以同樣的微笑。
2009 年 7 月 7 日 ，星期二
李 博士情緒低落麵帶倦容走進醫院，他告訴我們NHX的檢查結果不容樂觀。她的心髒狀況太過複雜，所以做手術會有很大的風險，就目前她的心髒破損情況手術成功率僅為 10% 。
天使心的誌願者在一起吃晚飯時李博士說：就在昨天，我心裏還是充滿了歡笑和希望，然而今日，我感到我的心是那麽地疲憊和憂鬱。自從早上得知NHX的消息後，李博士就一直在考慮如何向NHX的父母解釋他們女兒心髒的修複希望是多麽渺茫，這也意味著他們女兒的生命不久將走向盡頭。如果對NHX施行手術，醫生們不能預測她是否能恢複健康，像現在這樣充滿活力，是否還能繼續在母親身邊撒歡。
李 博士對我們說：“我們應該珍惜和盡情享受每一天。因為無人可以預測，將來某一天或許沒人可以掌控的事情可以改變一切。”
我生平第一次為 聽到他人發自肺腑的話語而流淚了。我哭泣，是為了一個 11 歲的妙齡女孩，是為了她的家庭明早將聽到不幸的消息。
2009 年 7 月 8 日 ，星期三
我和“天使心”的同伴們坐在HX的床邊，興致勃勃地傾聽她談論鄉間的茅舍。與此同時，李博士和醫生們正在與HX的父母親交談。當HX談及家門口那巨大而挺拔的樹木時，她的眼睛是如此的明亮，笑容又是如此的燦爛。她不明白為什麽這麽多有錢人住在擁擠不堪、熙熙攘攘的城市中。蝸居在沉悶而乏味的高層建築裏，倒不如住在空氣清新的鄉間那般愜意。她還談到她的貓，那隻可愛的貓從來不負眾望，總能撲捉到老鼠並將它們帶回家來。我們開玩笑地說美國的貓很懶惰，從來都是老鼠追它，而不是它追老鼠。海雄開懷大笑，問到：那為什麽還要勞神養貓？她那可愛的性格惹得我們跟著大笑。
HX講述她的父親為了全家人的生計整日疲於奔命，談到她的父親不停地辛勤勞作養家糊口時，她哽咽了。她繼續著她的故事，同時靜靜地用床單擦幹了眼淚。 她的現實與我們在美國的安逸生活相比，有著如此的天壤之別，以至於這樣一個患有心髒病的十一歲女孩，在講述壓抑著他們家的貧窮以及她父親的千辛萬苦時，能夠用她堅強的精神力量抑製住她的眼淚。
HX的父母回到病房時，她微笑著問媽媽： “ 你怎麽又哭了 ” ，邊說邊輕輕地擦拭著媽媽的臉頰，雖然那上麵的淚水早已幹枯。她的母親抱以一個苦澀的笑容，然後扶起HX幫她梳理頭發。雖然她不知道檢查的結果到底是什麽，但從母親的神情中她猜想可能不如人意。然而，HX隻是給了一個大大的笑容和幾句安慰她母親的話語，和需要的人分享他的力量。
這天即將結束時，我們將NHX一家留在了病房。HX隨即跟著我們來到了院辦公室，與我緊挨著，饒有興趣地凝視著放在我們麵前的手提電腦。我向她展示美國“三藩市動物園”裏各類動物的照片。當她看到屏幕上幻燈片裏變化中的動物時，明亮的眼神中充滿了好奇和興奮。很明顯，大多數的動物她都沒見到過，甚至連名字都未曾聽說過。在銀幕中出現老虎、大猩猩、紅鶴時，她情不自禁地用手指點著，比劃著。我們一起將幻燈片中所有的動物一一道出它們的名字，直到HX的母親叫她回到病房，我們互道再見。也許某一天，HX回到了鄉村，她會告訴她的同伴們什麽是老虎，什麽是河馬。
我的甘肅之行在這裏結束了。但我作為“天使心”誌願者的經曆才剛剛開始。我在這裏見到的人，同他們一起經曆的事，讓我意識到“天使心”救助的患兒和你我一樣是真實的人，有著真實的人生，也讓我更加認識我自己。在這裏我學到的和記住的許許多多，給了我力量讓我重塑 我的 信念和價值。
人生的旅程上會有你無法預料的障礙和困難，有時這些障礙和困難是你無法避免的。人生會有這樣的時刻：在你盡了全力後，卻仍無力回天。此時，你唯一的應對是活出你想活的生活，尋求我們在人生中做的每一件事背後的意義 。 無論你是一個工程師，或是一個攻讀學位的大學生，還是一個求學的中學生 ，都應 問一問你自己 ， 為什麽做你現在在做的事情。如果你不能回答這個問題，那你應該重新思考你的價值觀和你的人生追求目標。人應當這樣活著 — 在生活給你的諸多可能中，它會是你唯一的選項；若上天給了你重活一次的機會，它仍是你不變的選擇。
這裏我也許聽起來像個嘮叨的學究， 但我實在找不到其他文字能描述我在甘肅學到的 一切。 那 是 從 一個 3 歲和 一個 11 歲的孩子身上所學到的， 是 我之前 14 年的學校生活和學習生涯中所沒有學到的。
這些孩子教給我真誠，教給我希望，教給我一個愛的一生。
July 5, 2009 Sunday
I have never been so trusted and appreciated by people I met for the first time. In my initial encounter with the people of Gansu, I had never expected the smiles and the welcome they gave me. My time with Angel Heart had just begun, yet already I shared the feeling of family, trust, and love that bonded the volunteers and the Gansu families. I was given smiles and handshakes by people I, just moment earlier, had thought of as strangers. But they weren’t strangers. They were no longer just the anonymous faces frozen in the photos on my computer; they had left the detached reality that categorized their lives in electronic file folders, and I began to learn their names, their smiles, and their stories.
Ma Juan, a particularly cheerful three-year-old girl, loved to laugh as she repeated words that people said to her. It was difficult not to smile as the child greeted everyone with a bright “Hello” and even an occasional “Thank you” too. It was a relief to hear that her surgery a few months ago in February, as well as her recovery, was a success.
But it was not just the recovered children meeting with Angel Heart for check-ups; there were also families awaiting treatment who arrived to monitor their child’s condition. Doctor Liu had me listen to their heartbeats, and I could hear the distinct sound of what seemed like wind blowing each time I heard a pulse. I had learned of murmurs—had taken tests on the subject, but nothing about it had seemed real until I heard them coming from the hearts of these young children and realized how that the term that I had carelessly skimmed over in my textbooks was threatening the futures of these children.
Liu Ning Ning, a seven year old, had a strong murmur as a result of her condition. Her mother told us that even so, the young girl enjoyed moving around, and she was ranked first in her school class. That one moment as Ning Ning flushed with mortification at her mother’s words was the only time I saw her features stray away from the sullen, forlorn expression she donned.
The gathering was concluded at noon with a giveaway for the children and their families. At first, only the older children approached us volunteers to look at the books and school supplies on the table, but soon, more and more of the children approached us as well, with smiles on their faces and wonder in their eyes. It was difficult to decide whether seeing their grateful and elated expressions as they received the simple gifts brought me joy or sorrow. They were given clothes for the winter, books, and school supplies—not a very grand assortment of hand-outs, but the smiles on their faces told me that, perhaps, our humble gifts to them had been the greatest they’d ever received.
As the volunteers and doctors mingled with the families and children, my sister embraced Lan Xiao Hua, a young girl who had received surgery last year. They had only met for a short time last year, but the process of recovery and the hope that Angel Heart had given Xiao Hua brought them together, and it made them family. When my sister stayed and watched through Xiao Hua’s operation, the two had become everlasting friends. I could not help but wonder at the realization that I, too, now have friends here in Gansu to greet on my next visit, and whom I could embrace as my sister had.
After the conclusion of the gathering, Angel Heart volunteers proceeded to visit the houses of three families in the countryside of Gansu. The roads stretched for hours at a time, and they were nothing but dirt lanes, unpaved and bumpy. To say that the dust rose in clouds would be a sore understatement of the truth; the dust seemed to be a part of the air itself, blanketing the houses that bordered the path. I saw children—three young boys—playing tag by the roadside, but I could only see their silhouettes through the thick curtain of filth.
The climb up the mountain pathway was long and arduous. All around me, I could hear the volunteers panting for breath and wondering how a child with heart disease could walk such a steep trail when even we were on the brink of exhaustion.
In front of the entrance to the house at the end of the trail, we were greeted by Ma Jin Rong, the 17-year-old boy that Angel Heart had come to visit. He bowed as each of passed, shook our hands with both of his and said, “Welcome, Auntie/Uncle.” I was surprised to be addressed so respectfully as he is two years older than I am, but I was touched by his sincerity and by the warm welcome that he gave us all.
Their home is a simple one, and the ceiling above the bed had a tarp draped over it to prevent the rain from reaching them as they slept; the rest of the ceiling did not have the extra cover. My dad told me that the pair of ear muffs I saw hanging on a string over their bed was used for extra warmth during the icy winter lest the frigid air give their ears frostbite during the night.
The family’s thin cloth shoes were covered with holes.
When asked what school grade he was in, Ma Jin Rong stated simply, “6th grade.” The nearest school is likely a long walk off from his home, and the mountain’s steep declivity was an enormous obstacle in his path—a nearly impassible barrier. Because of his condition and his family’s poverty, education became something difficult for him to obtain.
Later, as we met with Zhu Li Na, a girl my own age, she seemed to be more talkative than Ma Jin Rong, although she had that same shy, yet stoic, demeanor. Their strength, and their hope, was made them alike.
When we handed Zhu Li Na a pencil case and notebook before we left, she accepted them with tears in her eyes, showing her thanks when she could not voice the words through the rush of emotion. Doctor Lee had told me before that the children of Gansu received gifts in happiness not only because of the joy in attaining the gifts themselves, but also because they had not expected us—whom they knew of as the upper class—to care for them and to notice them. While many of the people I know and grew up around wish for, and even expect, gifts for even the most minor of occasions, the citizens of Gansu spent their worries on survival and earning enough money to support their family, and this difference in upbringing had shaped our values, and us, into such different entities. If someone had given Zhu Li Na an iPod, it would hardly have meant anything to her. What we gave her was a chance at education, something that many children in America think of as a burden.
And yet, I’d never seen anyone so happy to receive a gift…and I’d never been so glad to give one.
July 6, 2009 Monday
I watched a heart beat for the first time.
After years of avoiding any movies or television shows that featured scenes of surgical operations, I watched one in person. This operation was one that would change the life of the child, Wang Tao, who was diagnosed with ventricular septal defect. For three hours, Doctor Lee and we volunteers watched as the devoted surgeons of the People’s Hospital of Gansu mended the hole in Wang Tao’s heart, and his operation proceeded smoothly.
When we left the operation room, Wang Tao’s parents were waiting by the entrance of the hospital, and Doctor Lee assured them that the surgery was successful, and that they would be able to visit their son soon. Their smiles glowed with relief and happiness, and they clasped Doctor Lee’s hands in gratitude.
In visiting the children receiving Angel Heart’s care later at the hospital, I was able to get to know Ma Ruo Ying and Ma Juan more. We volunteers took pictures of the two and showed them the photos, laughing along with them and their parents as the toddlers pointed at themselves and declared their names. Ma Juan, playful and ebullient, danced in circles with excited cries of “Ai ya ya!” before settling down in her father’s lap, only to jump up once more to dance. Ma Ruo Ying was more timid, and she watched us with large, round eyes. She was reluctant to smile, only flashing a brief grin once at the prompt of her mother, and another at Ma Juan’s exuberant laughter, but her smile was a contagious thing that had us chuckling as well.
As we left the hospital room, a young girl named Niu Hai Xiong said to us, “Bye, big sisters.” She gave us a small bow and smiled brightly, and as I wondered at how the smile seemed to reach her eyes as well as her mouth, it became only natural for us all to grin back as well.
July 7, 2009 Tuesday
Doctor Lee entered the hospital room with a tense and exhausted expression, and he told us that the results had gone well. Niu Hai Xiong’s heart condition is too complicated to risk surgery; her condition is so severe that her surgery success rate is only 10%.
At a dinner gathering of Angel Heart volunteers, Doctor Lee spoke of how the previous day had been full of laughter and hope, and how this day, his spirit was weary and somber. Ever since the news of Niu Hai Xiong’s condition in the morning, he had spent the day wondering how he would tell Niu Hai Xiong’s parents that the odds of a successful recovery were slim—that their daughter would only have a few years left to live. If Hai Xiong were to undergo surgery, the doctors would not be able to predict whether she would ever be able to regain the same liveliness that she had at the moment, while she is able to take walks around with her mother.
“We need to savor every moment and cherish each day,” Doctor Lee told us. “There is no predicting when things that no one can control might change everything we know.”
And for the first time, I cried at the truth of another’s words, and I cried for the 11-year-old girl and the family who had would have to hear them the next morning.
July 8, 2009 Wednesday
As Doctor Lee and the hospital doctors met with Niu Hai Xiong’s parents, I sat with two fellow volunteers of Angel Heart by Hai Xiong’s bedside, and we listened as she told us about her home on the countryside. Her eyes and smile were bright as she spoke about a particular tree by her house—one that she said was the most beautiful and enormous tree there could ever be. She explained how the crowded and bustling city with its dreary buildings could never be as beautiful as the countryside, no matter how more money the people living in the city had. And she told us about her cat, who never failed to catch mice and rats and bring them back to their home. We joked about the lazy cats in America, and how many would be more likely to be chased by rats than be the chaser. She laughed at that and asked us why people bothered keeping cats like that, and her lively personality had us laughing with her.
When Hai Xiong began to tell us about the hard work that her father toiled away at for the sake of earning money to support the family, and how their poverty kept him constantly at work, her voice began to waver. She wiped her tears silently on her bed sheet and continued her story. How different her reality was from our own sheltered one in America, that an 11-year-old girl with heart disease would be able to hide her tears with her sheer strength of spirit as she spoke of the poverty that plagued her family and the toll that it took on her father.
When her parents returned, Hai Xiong asked her mother with a small smile, “How come you’ve cried again?” and wiped her mother’s cheek, though there were no tears there. Her mother just returned a sad smile and propped Hai Xiong up to brush her hair. Niu Hai Xiong had anticipated the condemning results of her check-up without the words being told to her directly; she had prepared for the worst, and she accepted the truth with a smile and a word of comfort for her mother, sharing her strength with those who needed it.
As the day passed by after we left Niu Hai Xiong’s family to their privacy, Hai Xiong came into our office room and sat next to me, staring quizzically at the laptop screen before us. I showed her pictures that I took of various animals at the San Francisco Zoo, and her eyes seemed to lighten up as she watched the slideshow of animals float by the screen, excited and curious. Yet the majority of the animals were ones that she had never seen, nor heard of before, and she pointed, quizzically, at the screen when pictures of tigers, gorillas, and flamingos appeared on the monitor. And so we named all of the animals together until the end of the slideshow when her mother came by to accompany Hai Xiong back to her resting room, and we said our goodbyes. Maybe now, when she returns to the countryside, she will be able to tell them that she has seen what a tiger and hippopotamus are.
And so my trip to Gansu came to a close, but my experiences as an Angel Heart volunteer will not end here. The people I met and the moments I shared with them have made me realize more about Angel Heart’s patients as people, and more about myself along the way. There have been countless lessons taught—and remembered—here, and they gave me the power to reshape my thoughts and values.
There is no way to know when an obstacle you never expected could be thrown into your path, and sometimes that obstacle is something that you cannot avoid. There will be a time when some things just cannot be helped, and the only way to counter it is to live the way we want to live, and to pursue the meaning behind what we do in life, whether it is working as an engineer, pursuing a degree in college, or simply studying as a high school student. Ask yourself why you do the things you do, and if you can’t answer that question, then you should rethink your values and what you want to accomplish as a person. Live in a way that you know is the only way you would choose live if given the choice—and the way that you would live again if you were given the chance.
As trite as I may sound, there are no other words I can find to describe the lessons I learned here—lessons I had learned from the 3-year-olds and 11-year-olds of Gansu, and lessons that 14 years of studying and attending school had failed to teach me before.
These children taught me of sincerity, of hope, and of a lifetime of love.
