歲末心情

聖誕剛過，新年的腳步已在門外徘徊，2009將要成為過去，2010年就在眼前。在這除舊迎新的歲末，打點自己的心情，怎麽也找不到小時候常有的那種興奮、盼望、雀躍和對未來的憧憬。

都說喜新厭舊是人之本性，但於我卻是年紀越大，越是戀舊。這幾天收拾書櫃衣櫃，好像在細數我幾十年漂泊的腳印。占了半個書櫃的舊書，自從我有了第一間蝸居起就一直陪伴著我，在那間住了八年的十五平米的小屋裏，它們擠占了年輕少婦的衣櫥；它們隨著我飄到南洋，又飛到北美，二十多年來搬了無數次家，扔掉了許多東西，沒舍得扔它們。《懺悔錄》讀了不隻一次，每次讀都有新的體會；《唐詩三百首》、《曆代詞萃》、《古文觀止》是我精神的依托，無論什麽時候翻開它們，都能享受到巨大的精神愉悅；如果說普希金的《葉甫蓋尼·奧涅金》喚起少女時的我如塔吉雅娜那樣的對愛情的憧憬，那麽《安娜·卡列尼娜》，《複活》、《包法利夫人》讓我對愛情有了更多的思考。捧起每一本書，慢慢地翻，感覺翻的不僅是書頁，還有初讀它們時的心情。隨著歲月的流逝，情感從稚嫩到成熟，這些書是我人生的良師益友，我怎舍得丟棄。

衣櫥裏掛滿了各色服裝，從八十年代初直到如今，跨度居然達三十年之久。其中還有我在84年自己縫製的一條碎花布三節裙，那時我的腰圍隻有一尺八寸（市尺），白襯衫掖在裙子裏，大大的下擺，走起路來裙裾飄飄，更顯出腰身細細身材娉婷，曾引來很高的回頭率。這條裙子是我年輕時美麗過的見證，看見它便想起了那逝去的芳華。有趣的是，幾年前又流行三節裙，我把它拿出來，把腰身改大了些，居然還能穿，效果還不差呢，遂相信那種服裝潮流二十年一個輪回的說法，愈是舍不得扔舊衣服了。

床上的被罩也是舊物，也有二十多年了，淡淡的蘋果綠，薄得已經可以看到裏麵的被麵的顏色了，但是柔軟舒適熨帖到極致，經過幾十年與肌膚的磨合，早已到達至輕至柔的境界，不是破得不能用了，我是斷斷不舍得換的。

不僅是戀舊物，對於過去的人和事的追憶也愈來愈頻繁。懷疑自己是不是真的到了人生的某個階段，更多的是回憶過去而不是憧憬未來。2010年會是什麽樣子，想得不是太多。

 

[stillthere]

美
文。

欣
賞。　

共
鳴。

[jnr]

"Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence." – Psalm 21:6

As a great wave rises from the deep
to wash away the scratches on the sand, come, O God,
to dissolve forever in your sea of peace
my cares, my fears, my worries, and my anxieties.

As the blessed blackness of a quiet night comes
to blanket from my sight the cluttered collection of
billboards, buildings, and power poles
until my eyes see only bright stars,
so come, O God, and blot out this day's dreary
and weary accumulations of daily irritations, hurts, dents,
and disappointments until I see only your goodness
shining in the shadows.

As an explosion of happy sunshine brings a joyful glow
to dark corners, so come, O God, and explode your bright joy
into the gloomy corners of my mind.

As a great victorious general awakens his battalions
with a trumpet blast, and rallies his retreating army
with renewing power, so come, O Lord, and awaken me
to "rise up, be done with lesser things, to give heart,
soul, mind, and strength to serve the King of Kings."

As the spring rain gently, patiently, irresistibly falls
to soften the hard crust of frozen ground until it can receive
fruit-producing seed, O God, may showers of your love
soak in to soften the cold corners of my heart,
allowing creative new life to break forth.

As a happy fountain leaps jubilantly and tumbles joyfully,
come, O Holy Spirit, to transform my melancholy mood
until my heart erupts in joy and happiness.

O Father, make my life a melody like that of a great wave,
a calm night, a morning sun, a spring rain, a happy fountain!

Amen.