20060718 Half of the Truth (part two)

In my opinion, I think there is indeed some problem between he and me. Even if you didn't get involved, the problem was still there.In my previous post, I said I've been asking myself whether I really love him, or just appreciate the endless love he has for me and his kindness of forgiving my previous relationship with Ben. I am not quite sure. Actually, I should say I'm not sure what love is. Thus, one concern about getting married with him would be that if my L for him isn't strong or deep, how can I have a forever marriage? I know I get to be realistic, but I'm just afraid one day another guy just comes to knock on my heart, and my emotion will overcome my mind. This concern pops up clearly in front of me, after all these took place. Maybe I should ask: " what is the fundation for a marriage? How can I appreciate more and stick to this nice guy?" I don't know. It seems like no one can provide the answer to me. Everyone sees my marriage is perfect, and says I think and require too much. Do I? Or, just the pure love is too brittle for a years marriage, so it's just impossible to marry someone I really like? Or, the pure love has to be examined by time, so I can't really say it's real or not in a short period of time, thus can't give up my years of relationship based solely on my feelings? I don't understand all these questions. Maybe I'm just a pupil in the world of love.

I thought even I couldn't let him know the other half of truth between you and me, it was fair for him to know how I felt about him. That was also part of the truth. So, I told him: "9 years ago, you told me you fell in love with me. I was frightened at the beginning and that was why I refused you. But you didn't give up or push me, so finally I was touched. Thanks for what you've done all these years. I feel like I am a kid being doted on. But, the thing is I never know how much I really love you. I feel like you are my best friend ever, or as close as my brother. I would like to share my happiness and sadness with you, and take good care of you. Is that called love? I don't know the definition of love. I'm afraid my love for you isn't enough to hold on our marriage. I'm afraid I can't resist the outer temptation and make mistake again."



He replied 'if you love someone, you very much want to have that person in your future. you will miss that person all the time. you want to do everything to make that person happy. Just imagine how much you think you're gonna miss me if I go back to China for long time?" I said: "it's hard. We've been living together for years, and I just can't make up any imagination." But, actually, I was holding some words behind my mouth: I couldn't imagine that case; but as for the fact that you went back, I do miss you every single minute; I do want to have you in my future, even though pretty much we can't have any future; I do want you to live happily, that's why I don't want to write down any of my emotion in my mail to you, because they are mainly sadness, missing you and worry. See, it was so ironic. He was trying to tell me I did love him; but what he proved was I love you. A lot!



I feel very sorry and guity. I hate lying, hate not telling the complete truth. But, what else can I do? I still want to keep the friendship among three of us. I want to reduce the damage to as little as possible. I feel like me being pulled apart into two pieces: one's gone with you, with deep love; the other stays here to clean up the mess, trying my best to repay my debt to him and begging God for forgiveness. Am I very evil, or just love is selfish itself?