20060716 Half of the Truth (part one)

I knew it was gonna happen. I wasn't afraid of it. Maybe, for some strange unknown reasons, subconsciously, I hoped he could feel something so that I didn't need to 'play' for 'another me' so hard. I didn't know how to start the topic.



The whole mess today started with my friend's email to me. I told my friend I got worried and upset for my wedding, or, I should say, for my life after getting married ( I didn't mention anything between you and me). I also told her I made an appointment with a psyco- councillor. So today she wrote an email to asked me how was everything going. She knew R. might have access to my email, so she kinda put a note '*** read only' on the mail title. She knew once she put that, R. was not gonna read it. However, she forgot in the inbox list of Gmail, right after the mail title, the first sentense in the body was also shown. And, you can just imagine, R. saw it, and knew immediately I had some sort of appointment that he didn't know before. He asked me what were the things I hid behind him. I said no. I asked him why he kept raising strange questions these days. He didn't say anything. I asked him what was wrong. He was quiet for a while, and said 'you know, if I don't say anything, we can still pretend nothing had ever happened, and we can still have a life like this. But once I tell you, you just can't keep your mask on any more. And,the consequence may not be controlable'. I was trying to calm down 'I didn't hide anything. Please tell me what's going on. I don't want you to misunderstand anything'. But when I said so, I knew he did figured out something; otherwise he wouldn't say those words. The last time I heard them was many years ago, when Ben and me got together.'Well, you sure you want to know what I found out? OK, I read your June 28 diary in your Yahoo account by accident'

After saying that, he left to the kitchen. I opened my Yahoo mail, and understood right away what he saw. The bad news was I wrote down I L you in the mail; the good news was I didn't mention you also L me, and I said at the end that I would try my best to go back and take good care of him. OK, I was thinking he found out everything, everything between you and me. I was so afraid that he knew you, as one of his best friends, had feelings towards me. I didn't want to break your friendship or become enemies to each other. I should have seen this result at the very beginning. But, we just couldn't help. That's the nature of mankind, too much temptation, too little control, especially when we are talking about L.



I made up my mind to tell him half of the truth. I didn't want to tell him the complete story--telling him I still L you and you still miss me could only make everythig worse. I decided to take every fault as my own, and made you innocent. Then I went to the kitchen. I told him: I got confused after you left; I missed you a lot, and didn't know how to react; it was the first time my close friend left me, and seemed forever; I got a combination of feelings in those days, and I misunderstood it as L; I went to the councillor who told me that was just a normal feeling when people miss their friends and that shouldn't be called L; I was messed up for those days so I wrote down something wasn't true at all; now I went back to normal, and all those crazy thoughts were gone; and more importantly, you didn't know any of my feelings, you just considered me as a good friend; I said I was so sorry for all these. See, that's what I mean by half of the truth. The true parts are: I did go to see a councillor; I did miss you a lot; part of my feelings towards you is due to our friendship; I did feel very sorry for him; I was very confused for those days. The untrue parts are: there is indeed L between us; I didn't misunderstand anything, and what I wrote down was true.

( part one ends...to be contined later)