她該不該去見老公的情人？

H是我的一名讀者，前段時間給我的Gmail信箱發了封信，談及她丈夫出軌的事情，我給她回了信也去了電話。電話交談之下，我覺得大道理她都懂，她是個懂事達禮的女人。也知道自己要的什麽，要強的她在得知丈夫出軌之後，決定全力以赴挽救她的婚姻和家庭。為此，我當然舉雙手讚成。

H的丈夫人到中年，公司裏認識了一名從中國來留學作Intern的年輕女子，墮入情網。事情不出奇，上至前總統克林頓、名星成龍下至貧民百姓，這樣的例子已經多得不勝枚舉。奇就奇在這個花心的男人一方麵要求老婆離婚，因為他要給她的情人一個名份外加幫她辦理綠卡；另一方麵要求老婆嚴守秘密，夫妻仍然住在一起（情人已在兩千裏之外），照樣做孩子的爹媽，住在一個屋簷之下。若兩三年後，他和情人分道揚鑣（他可能心知肚明小他過一輪的年輕女孩與他一個二號小老頭好不長久），他再和發妻重相攜到老。這樣人不知鬼不覺，他就園了他的人生豔夢。他吃定了想要挽救婚姻的老婆，委曲求全的妻子一籌莫展。

更有甚者，變心的男人感恩節邀請兩千裏外的情人過來相聚，不僅理直氣壯地讓發妻知道，而且還極力邀請發妻去見一見他的情人。身心皆疲的H估計已無法理清自己的思緒，向我求救，問我她該不該去見老公的情人？她問了我一個棘手的問題。我很想告訴她我的想法，卻又怕我個人的意願影響到她可能的行動。於是，我征求她的意見，蒙她不介意，我把她這段經曆寫在這裏，請大家給她一個你認為合理的建議：她該不該去見老公的情人？為什麽？希望從大家的意見中她能找到最合適的答案！

我曾寫了兩篇文章都是希望給H以啟發和幫助。（挽留變心的伴侶， 變危機為轉機）不久前，收到H的另一封伊妹兒，她轉寄了她老公給她的一封伊妹兒給我，我讀完感到肚子無法忍受得痛。不完全是心痛，而是整個胃腸攪在一起的痛。我也曾聽過其她女人包括男人對我說過相似的話語，這樣的話可能很真實，卻總讓我無法承受。

我翻譯幾句在這裏（原文是英文）：

即使是為了孩子，我想你也應該很好地了解她（他的情人）。昨天，她還在談論即將到來的相聚，她建議我每晚回家，不然“孩子們可能有一個不愉快的節日了”……她似乎對我和她的關係非常的重視，已經和她父母談論過了……她也告訴了她親近的朋友和房東（有關她和我的關係）……不是我拚命地想逃離家庭，我隻是想向她顯示我的誠意，使得這段長距離的關係成活下去。

我相信如果你能見到她， 無論是在什麽情況之下，你都會喜歡她的！ 她是一個簡單的、不自以為是、不誇誇其談的女孩子。 對於我來說，最重要的是她喜歡我是因為我是個好父親（當然是她的標準）。她對金錢毫不在乎，絕對不像你想象得那麽複雜！

我不會在下一秒鍾走開。我會盡量做得讓你覺得容易一些。你知道的我對你並沒有壞的感覺，你也知道我幻想我能擁有兩個妻子，當然現在不可能。……

請你說出你的看法，H該去見老公的情人嗎？

 

[鶴鳴飛瀑]

回複雲上的熏衣草的評論:
妙哉！[擊掌動作】

[Tinyherb]

貼子是感恩節前發的,不知H近況如何.
她是否去見了小三,其實無所謂. 關鍵在於--她老公要給小三名份,給她申請綠卡-- 小三的意圖其實很清楚. 那對策也很簡單-- 打持久戰-- 不去理會LG 的離婚要求,能拖則拖,同時自己做好一個人生活的準備--- 小三的時間有限,intern 結束,除非公司願意幫辦身份,她要留美國,必須另謀出路,她有這個耐心去等嗎?
至於那個老公, 不要也罷.現在的痛苦,無外是覺得被背叛了和不甘心,孩子隻是擋箭牌.

[windowreader]

i am agree with Angela33. Be a strong woman, no end of the world when you open the other door for yourself. Look for your own happiness. Life here is just temporary, and nothing forever, Just let go, and left him that look for your new man who can crazy for you.

[多得ta]

我試著解讀這位妻子吧。
第一，這個妻子是愛自己的丈夫和家的。她跟丈夫可以做深層的交流，甚至包括非常忌諱的話題。
難得夫妻之間可以進行這麽坦誠的對話。如果這段孽緣過去了，夫妻倆還真能成為舉世無雙的知己；
第二，這個妻子算大度了。換個心眼小的，能把這個丈夫折騰個半死；
第三，這個妻子對於兩性關係是既感到可把握，又在無奈中。從直覺上她知道自己丈夫和他的情人不大能把關係進行到底，而她所占的優勢除了多年來彼此相知相扶以外，就是理解自己的丈夫。但是維係三人行對她來講難度也很大。夠鬧心的。
同時，她自己並沒有可以依托終身的人，這是比較可悲的。她還沒下決心為自己找個位置，還在觀望中。

我對她的建議嗎？
第一：整個事件她不是局外人呀，她是主要當事人之一。她有自己的權利，可以選在離開。她不舍，其實很對不起她自己的。婦人之仁；
第二：別人傷害了你，一種辦法是還回去，誰讓他自作自受？另一種就是放手，理你遠遠的就是了。井水不犯河水，你走你的陽關道，我過我的獨木橋。人生本來就是寂寞的，你有你做你娘的清秋大夢的權力，俺有俺重新打鼓另開張的自由。
誰離開誰活不了？誰也不是誰的誰。

[一生有求]

婚姻和感情也是建立在以尊嚴為基礎上的， 如果這個丈夫連妻子的尊嚴都不給， 如果我是這位妻子， 我會選擇放棄這個丈夫， 我相信孩子們長大後會理解媽媽的做法的。 孩子們其實是很堅強的， 不是我們想象的那麽脆弱， 如果他們知道真相， 相信他們會和媽媽在一個立場的。

[cloudhk]

為什麽還要挽回？沒有錢買稀飯了麽？孩子看見母親委屈求全，也隻有壞作用。

[glass_view]

哈哈, 又是一個到國外就變壞的例子, 西化了

[muckelchen]

我覺得是不能去見老公情人的，這位情人是否是真心愛上那個二老頭有的懷疑，所以要還是要老公的話，就先拖著，拖到那情人沒有耐性了，或者簽證快到期了，她不得不去找下一個目標了，那老公就自然回頭了。不過，這位老公怎麽被慣得這樣啊？還一點不尊重老婆.

[2008May]

為什麽要挽救這樣婚姻? 為什麽要這樣的老公? 她從他那裏得到了什麽?

[京人之舉]

堅決不見！見麵能達到積極的意義嗎？
1）能讓自己對婚姻釋懷？
2）能讓混帳丈夫回心轉意？
3）能讓那小女人離開？
還是給自己留點自尊吧。

[如雨]

原來樓主的“挽留變心的伴侶”是為了H，我也真的是無語了！我怎麽就沒看出來H是
一個要強的女人。要說她忍辱負重的“堅韌”可是令人敬佩。

人真的是隻有自己才能救自己。性格決定人生啊！

[wtf69]

此故事情節有重大遺漏，或許根本是樓主捏造騙取點擊率。

[最是那一低頭的溫柔]

一個如此無恥的LG，一個如此失敗的LP。人到中年，生活糟到如此境地，無語。想知道樓主是否還會說：“給對方機會也是給自己機會”？

[傲霜鬥雪]

海雲, 你好!

感謝你以這樣的方式敘述一個故事, 尋求多種建議.

評論和建議洋洋萬言, 很是精彩! 隻可惜的是大多出直姐妹，少有男士。

非常希望你能跟蹤報道這件事情的結局，真心地希望H能尋求到一個最好的解決辦法！還是那句話“隻有她自己能救自己”！

[TheQueen]

回複傲霜鬥雪的評論:
You are 100% right.

[angela333]

回複世上本無事_庸人自擾之的評論:

[beautyinautumn]

下麵也是一文女性的評論，也是我覺得很有道理的意見：
作者：maomao 留言時間：2008-11-14 16:07:40
海雲, I'm one of your many quiet fans. With a very busy life, I never have time to post anything online. I adore your talent as a writer and you kindness and effect to take on the burden of helping families in crisis. This time, I feel compelled to write something for H.

H, I have been there. I feel your pain and struggle. When I read 海雲’s 挽留變心的伴侶,it really felt like it was my story. I tried so hard to hold on in a poisonous relationship, for the sake of my children with special need, and my dream of a lasting love and family. I lost myself in the never-ending cycles of crushed by reality, pulled together for kids, convinced myself things were better and kept going. Those years are still painful to look back. Just want to let you know that I eventually found myself, made peace with life, even started to appreciate how these years of tough life has really made me grown to be a better and stronger person. You will be there too, pains and despair will pass, I assure you. Just be patient and forgiving with yourself. Do what you desire to do, one day at a time. There is no right or wrong– see her or not to see her, should or should not still love him and stay with him (your husband). You don’t have to rush to make any painful decision, when you are ready, your heart will know, and the decision won’t be as painful anymore.

A woman‘s desire to hold on to her love and family could be equally adictive as man’s desire for fresh new love. The ancient wisdom said look at the three things in life that you want the most, if two of them are in conflict with each other, then you will forever live in pain. For the longest time, my inability to make choices has kept me in pain – because what I want was not among the choices given to me, and I refused to accept that. We all need time to learn to let go. I wish I have time to write more. I hope the best for you. I know no matter how weak you feel about youself right now, you will make it and be surprised by your inner strength as a woman and a mother.

我的跟評：

I like the following sentances:

There is no right or wrong– see her or not to see her, should or should not still love him and stay with him (your husband). You don’t have to rush to make any painful decision, when you are ready, your heart will know, and the decision won’t be as painful anymore.

A woman‘s desire to hold on to her love and family could be equally adictive as man’s desire for fresh new love.

This is exactly what I am looking for. It tells me woman who went though life time disasters knowing how to handle different situations in a proper way. Thank you very much! Maomao. I hope H can read this and understand what you meant.

[雲上的熏衣草]

和樓上TKCD同一感覺，也是給嚇到了。
想知道的是，這位太太是怎麽讓自己走到這一步的？是日積月累地把LG慣成這麽變態？還是一步到位，開始就是高攀，讓自己“變得很低很低，一直低到塵埃裏？”天才如張愛玲，在塵埃裏呆得都把自己那一腔的才華埋得不知哪裏去了，普通的我們，還是爭點氣，抬起頭來做人吧。
把你LG上頭那信留著，找個好律師，直接把他掃地出門，淨身出戶。他那小三不是對金錢毫不在乎嗎？就成全她唄。反正我們俗人，我們在乎。

[世上本無事_庸人自擾之]

I AM a man!

this is my 6th post, I gave my answer a long time ago, please go to previous pages...

[BeautyinAutumn]

回複世上本無事_庸人自擾之的評論:Actually you have a good point here. "thinking outside of the box" always helps. So if you are a man, let's hear your useful suggestions or thoughts.

[世上本無事_庸人自擾之]

OK, everyone, time out!

The problem here is most suggestions are given by women around the wife's age, and are totally useless. The way you and your sisters think is exactly the reason that caused your husband's action. If you want a new husband, this reason wouldn't be an issue, but you said you still want the family, you need to listen to men, you have to think outside the box. Once you find out why your husband thinks the way he thinks, why he does things the way he does, then a solution is right before your eyes.

for an example, just an example, most women suggest you be strong! being a person in control, does it ever occur to you that such personality could be exactly the cause for your husband seeking outside "love", sometimes being "weak" is a better solution.

Oh, no, I am seeing objects flying to me, gotta go...

[ashley07]

建議如下，一定有用：
1) 請老公搬出去住，他可以回來看孩子， 但杜絕性關係；
2）冷淡，不過問他和小三的任何事；
3）如果你有工作，專心工作；如果沒有，盡快去找一份工作；
4）告訴他你和準男朋友約會的時間安排，讓他在家代孩子；
5）在他的確有困難的時候，給予一點點理解或幫助
6）還想要他，就等著他和小三出錯；不想要他，就再也不要回頭看，為自己挑個新丈夫

[Angela333]

I found my ex was having affairs with a woman in his lab eight years ago. That woman was 12 years younger than him and was “a naive young girl, never wanted to destroy my family, only loves him not money or anything else”. At that time I just arrived to America for 6 months, no friends or family around, I had no clue of what to do or where to get help. Anyway he left me and our 3 years old son to pursue his “love”.

I went through hell in the first 2 years, but eight years later, I am a practicing physician, and re-married happily. My ex? He is still a post doc at some lab and struggling for his own survival. He is married too, but the young wife has lots of complains: he pays too much for the child support, he earns too little, he can not provide her a comfortable life as her friends having….

Divorce is not the end of the world; you may have a better future without such an ridiculous husband. The most important thing is be strong and protect you, your children’s benefits. Let him go and he will soon find out what a big mistake he made.
(Sorry I dont have a chinese software to write)

[世上本無事_庸人自擾之]

建議妻子看這個，保證老公回家，而且象小狗一樣恭前拱後。。

http://web.wenxuecity.com/BBSView.php?SubID=joke&MsgID=288065

[windcat]

A true story which will help you:

Dear heart-broken wife,

The following is a true story from my close friend and his family.

My close friend is a successful middle-age man with two lovely kids and a full-time house wife. This husband is working in a group with quite a few high-educated smart beautiful career-women. His wife was born also in a high-educated family, but her wife- the only kid in the family not get university degree, but she is very nice and work full-time before go to US as a housewife for her husband. As years passed, the husband falled into love with one of beautiful career women, and he feel more and more unsatisfied with her wife and thinking her a boring middle-aged wife with totally no attraction.

As you imaging, the wife felt something wrong with her husband, and lots of fight and crying began. But the more fights, the more the husband felt this wife is terrible and the more he want to be with his lover.

The wife finally realized that fighting is not a weapon to protect her. Then how to bring family-together and let husband back? She think and think and also talked to her father-who also is a highly educated man. WIth their help, she finally finger out a way to save her family. Do you know how?

What is the weakest for a successful middle-aged man? The answer is my close friend, like most of other successful man, is eager to be loved. And they are clear whose love is more precious and more lasting, that is his children's love, it is much secure, real, and strong than any of young woman in this world. So the wife decided to change the lifestyle, now she asked her husband to taking care of two kids at home, in the office, and during weekend, and she go out as career women herself. The beauty f these is that as time pass, the husband found the kids are so lovely and also raising kids are so hard, now he began appreciated more about her wife, and also he realized he love his kids tons of more than his lover.

Now after three-years, her husband totally come back to the family, and the wife also become success in her career, and now I can frequently heard from my friend- the husband talked about his wife and kids with proud:)

Hope God can also bring wisdom to you and your lost husband back to your life!!!

[隨意了]

煽了他!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[astermatch]

怕什麽呀，在國外，四十歲以上，有孩子的女人，就是找個年輕十幾歲的好男人（多半是老外了）也不是難事啊。

在中國就另說了。

[傲霜鬥雪]

我還親眼看見95歲老太（我女兒同學的太祖母）嫁85老頭的。有些四十歲以後的女人還帶著孩子不太好嫁也是事實，關鍵是這種時候不宜說這種喪氣話！我猜H的LG可能就用這句話嚇唬過H，你說我們能說這樣的話嗎？！

[laoshan88]

俺的“四十歲以後的女人還帶著孩子很難再嫁”的話說的是事實。至於怎麽選擇(挽救還是離婚），那純粹是personal choice.

事情沒有落到自己頭上就體會不到它的分量。我們旁觀者豪言壯語，那是因為事情沒落到自己頭上。

[傲霜鬥雪]

給H同胞，

首先要搞清楚整件事情是你那垃圾LG造成的，小三可能是蒼蠅，但是蒼蠅隻叮臭蛋，千萬不要以為小三搭上你的LG， 是因為你的LG魅力無比，也不必把太多的冤恨撒向小三，因為走了小三，小四會來，你管不了。

見不見小三不是問題的關鍵，問題的關鍵是怎樣處置你的LG。

如果你無可藥救地愛著你那垃圾LG，你極力挽救你的婚姻，那麽你那垃圾LG及小三（或小四，如果小三被你趕走了）會一直用各種方式羞辱你，直到他們累了，或某一天你那垃圾LG良心發現（可能性很小），如果是這種情況，你到網上也討不到良方，這輩子就慢慢受著吧，除了要你見小三，還會有其它夭蛾子的！

如果你想離開你那垃圾LG，隻是缺乏勇氣，好好聽聽姐妹們的鼓勵，作一回頂天立地的女人！不要信有些喪氣話“四十歲以後的女人還帶著孩子很難再嫁”，如今的社會，六十歲的女人想嫁還能嫁出去。這個時侯，信心和勇氣比黃金更金貴！退一步說，一個人過也沒什麽不好！

孩子不能成為挽救你那垃圾LG的借口，試想，如果你有女兒，你不想讓她以後也受你這樣的氣吧；如果你有兒子，你不想讓他以後變成像他的爹！我們已經有兩屆年輕有為的總統（克林頓，歐巴馬）成長於單親家庭，這不是很好答案嗎？！

如果你決定離開你那垃圾LG，一定要請律師，美國是一法製社會，無論你有無工作，法律會站在婦女兒童這邊，隻要你那垃圾LG有飯吃，你和孩子就餓不著！

最後！隻有你自己能救自己！

[芳華]

回複lapetitesirène的評論:

謝謝你以過來人的身份教她幾招。我很讚成你的離間計。見與不見小三，目的一樣，都是為了離間小三與丈夫的感情。

我主張去見小三，覺得這是一個離間的好機會，就看她怎麽說了。要是她沒這個本事，不去，過自己的節，也是一個辦法。

一方麵做努力，另一方麵要做離婚的準備：找律師，整財物。。。等等。

我沒有經曆過這種事，剛開始像姐妹們一樣被這給氣壞了，剛想罵，一看已經有很多人替我罵了。我的氣也解了一半。她此時還想要這個男人，就盡心想幾招吧。試過幾個月，能回頭也好，要是她男人不肯回頭，她也就死心了。人都是“不到黃河不死心”的。

她的丈夫在做夢，就算太太願意，小三還不願意呢。去見小三就是要告訴她丈夫的夢想（丈夫一定騙了小三），要小三的電話和電郵。

[gamie]

As a christian, I think pleasing God is more important than pleasing man. I think her goal should be to please and glorify God, rather than keeping a man and keeping sin in her house.

Adultery is sin, and the virtuous wife must not be sin's helper. Meeting the other adulterous woman only helps the man to glorify his adultery. So she shouldn't meet the woman. She should tell the man that iniquity shall have no place in her house. And that, if he decides to continue the adultery, they will have to get a divorce. And that, the divorce won't be a secret, and she won't be there to marry him if the mistress dumps him in the future.

I think the wife shouldn't be afraid of leaving the sinful man. I really don't think there would be much blessing from God if the wife keeps the man higher in her heart than God. God should be above all in our lives.

If she keeps God above all things and all people in her life, she would definitely be rewarded by God. When she needs help, God won't let her go and would grab her firmly. Just look at what happen to Ruth. She married to a rich / handsome / wise / older man when she chose to do the right thing, and her family was much blessed by God. King David and Jesus both come from Ruth's family.

It is certainly a difficult time for her. But I think, with God's help, and if she seeks God diligently, she will have the strength, courage, and wisdom to meet whatever life brings to her.

God bless!

[plgee]

社會生病了,太多婚外情事的發生,最受影響的是無辜的孩子們...

去見小三,如果你心裏想見的話,no big deal,好奇心誰都有,你的丈夫形容得她那麽好,又如何會去搞人家的男人,破壞大好家庭?

如果你真的太愛你這無恥丈夫,那建議你以弱者姿態勸對方放手,幸逞的活丈夫會回到你及孩子身邊,那就寬容他所曾犯的錯,不再提及好好與他過日子,但先問問自己,是否能辦得到?是否縱此還有信任的存在??

男人與女人的情事太累人了,單身有時真不是壞事!別把男人看得太嚴重,離婚也不是世界末曰,有說變了心的男人,十頭牛也拉不回,好好靜下來,調整自己的心態,善待自己,邁過難關,重要照顧孩子的情緒,不知道自己該如何作決定時,就什麽都別想,該幹什麽幹什麽,讓事件沉殿下來,最壞不過離婚,當然為自己爭取應有的利益.

[TKCD84]

lapetitesirène，不是我說你，有你這種老婆，老公不但要出軌還能把你不當回事，我沒說錯吧？

[TKCD84]

樓下的lapetitesirène 這類人是典型的中國婦女，說好聽了，是忍辱負重，難聽點就是沒腦子，沒人格。典型的中國婦女的觀點就是跟“小三”鬥。腦子還是清醒點吧，該約束自己的不是小三，是你自己的老公啊。小三是單身，跟誰不能交往？關小三什麽事？你自己的老公有了婚姻家庭，根本就應該自我約束。傻傻的中國婦女就這觀點，我的老公，外人不能碰，外人碰了是外人的錯，是別人勾引的。既然是別人勾引，我要把老公搶回來。本來是你和老公的問題（準確的說是你老公的問題），一下子轉移成了你的老三的問題。老公到成了無辜的了。。嗬嗬，不想說你們這些典型婦女，一副這腦子，成受害者也有幾分活該吧

[TKCD84]

我真的被這故事弄糊塗了，更確切的說叫嚇到了。丈夫有了情人，要妻子跟著配合以確保“這段長距離的關係成活下去”，什麽跟什麽啊，是妻子還是媽啊，聽起來像兒子有了女朋友，要帶回家見老媽一樣，還得老媽配合以確保這朋友能繼續談下去。當妻子的還來問，我該去見嗎？ -----------不是我不明白，是世界變化快。

[lehe]

這男人不知是天真還是沒品。趕緊把他夢想的泡泡滅了。

見可以，等自己找到男朋友再見。公平些嘛。並爭取找一個‘無論是在什麽情況之下，你都會喜歡他的‘ 男朋友。

[淺雪]

男人犯賤,女人不要跟著犯賤. 路是自己走的, 不要讓他得便宜, 多為自己與孩子考慮, 利益一定要爭取; 有些男人沒教訓是不會回頭. 發展自己才是硬道理.

[lapetitesirène]

經曆過老公出軌的，就知道H有多不易。眾姐妹的憤怒可以理解，但不是解決問題的辦法。

依我看，目前的當務之急是離間小三和老公的感情，現在小三和老公是一個集團，但老公和孩子們又割舍不下，隻要好好利用這個男人還有當父親的責任感這一點，小三再裝作善良，再願意當妾，也有受不了的一天。反正老公現在還是你的人，堅決不要主動采取行動，經濟權除外，生活照舊，當什麽都沒發生。千萬不可衝動把老公往外推，你會後悔的。如果自己沒有足夠的姿色，堅決不見小三，誰啊，關我p事，節日還是你們全家的。要知道小三第一次登堂入室，以後的主人就不是你了。把難題留給老公，不要主動接招，你的原則就是堅守自己的家，就算恨，也要暫時藏在心裏，保護好你的孩子。老公就算棄孩子和情人過節，心裏也絕不會快樂，一則名不正言不順，二則孩子們對老男人還是很重要的。很少有小三能夠容忍永遠沒有名分，可能比你容忍老公出軌還難。把問題甩給他們吧，時間和孩子是你的利劍，他們比你還痛苦呢，怕啥。再說老公猶豫的態度可能已經給小三不快了，什麽離婚依然同居，根本就是扯淡，這顯然是會傷害小三感情的，除非她並不愛他。

最愚蠢的做法是主動提出離婚。告訴他自己不能見小三，要自己一家人過節，就行了，老公具體怎麽安排，讓他作決定。無論怎麽選擇他都不會快樂的，但把他留在孩子們身邊，小三會更鬱悶。還有， 如果老公和小三在一起，不妨打電話謊稱孩子有事，當老公舍情人而回家幾次後，小三就會掂量出輕重，就算撒謊，離間之計也一定要進行。

離間的結果，可能老公回心轉意，向你道歉，你們重新過你們的日子，無愛是眾多婚姻的普遍狀態，如果能做到這點，你就成功了。離間無果，至少你也盡心盡力了，沒啥好後悔的。但根據我的經驗，離間計還是很有效的。

[芳華]

請大家不要罵H,她已經很痛苦了，就不要雪上加霜了。她要是像你我各位，她的丈夫就沒膽量提出這麽無理的要求了。

既然H 還想要這個家，就支幾招吧：總的計劃應該是“拉”和“推” - 拉自己的丈夫，推他的小三。

拉丈夫：1-願意維護家庭，但絕不容情人，給他1月去了斷。
2-對它像往常一樣好/壞
3-不要對孩子將大人的事，但讓孩子們多請爸爸幫忙-接
送，打球，拉琴。。。等等。對他們說：媽媽最近工作
忙/心情不好，請他們體諒媽媽，多叫爸爸幹活。
4-當他們父子/女做不好時，你就出手幫一把---這一
招看著簡單，很管用的。（很多女的賤就賤在家裏大
事小事一把抓，讓丈夫又閑心閑情閑時間來鬧這些事）
5-床上天天晚上要他幹，你不用他，別人就用了，他現在
你丈夫，不用白不用。你以前要是天天用，就沒這事了
推小三：打字太累，要睡了，請各位支招幫姐妹一把

[AnimatedCat]

這種沒臉沒皮沒人格沒自尊又不會尊重他人的男人，留下有什麽用？

如果孩子知道真實的情況，他會讓她的母親如此的受苦嗎？ 有一天，孩子會知道真相的，那日他又怎樣看他的父親？ 怎樣看他的“阿姨”？ 怎樣看他的母親？ 這種忍辱負重的事情，一個懂道理，愛他母親的孩子是絕對不會同意的！


to save a family, is to isten, to respect, to WORK for it. not the easy way out, not the "i'll do everything to save it and you can have it easy". NO. the MOMENT he start justify himself of having an affair, is hurting her.

there is NEVER an justification worthy for having an affair. he broke the vow he took the day he married her! what RIGHT does he have to ask her to accept another woman? for his family to accept another woman?



I'm not going to say again if he's worth keeping around. it's not worth her time, energy and effort to meet the other woman. she wants a solution to mend the marriage, meeting the other woman is NOT the solution. what good will that do? prove he's right that she's not about money and she's a nice girl? thats NOT THE POINT! the point is HE is horrible man!

[孤舟蓑笠翁50]

You should show your kids the way you wanted them to live their lives …

[BeautyinAutumn]

各位，別隻顧了生氣罵人，咱都冷靜冷靜，行不？H 會過來看大家的評論，那種攻擊性的語言於事無補的。讓我們都盡所能給她一些有建設性的看法和意見。

下麵是另一文讀者寄到我伊妹兒信箱的意見，很中肯。



海雲,

I like your blog and visit it almost everyday. However, I don't register and can't put up any comments. Thus email you.

很多事說起來容易做起來難,尤其是臨到自己頭上.
但是看看這個世上,什麽事都會發生, 沒法預測未來,善待自己最為重要.所以, 如果H認為接受這種大奶的身份是善待自己,就見二奶.

做為旁觀者, 我的想法是:
1)不見二奶,因為沒必要.二奶是他弄來的.
2)在這種拉鋸戰過程中, 依然溫柔如舊,同時在財產方麵加緊行動,做對自己最有利的準備.他已經靠不住了.
3)當準備就緒,就提出離婚,讓他搬出去,越遠越好.
4)孩子固然重要,自己更重要. 要自立自強, 給孩子樹立個榜樣.其實很多大事,當你5年後回頭看時,都不是什麽大不了的.
重新上路!

Cheers.

Sharon

[漢代蜜瓜]

K! 蜜瓜剛剛跟一個女朋友（女朋友年紀比蜜瓜還大）交流了一下，一致認為這男人是神經病，女人是二百五，這種問題還要問嗎？讓男人即刻滾出去，付足贍養費撫養費淨身出戶。

蜜瓜朋友說：“這不明擺著欺負人嗎？這女的還有沒有自尊？”

[foxinsnow]

這H整個兒一神經病。男人是混帳，但我更嚴重鄙視如此沒有自尊的女人！要是沒有這般窩囊下.賤的女人，我不信他男人能猖狂下作到這種地步？真是肺都要給氣炸了！！！

[漢代蜜瓜]

回複haochigui的評論:

沒工作也能分居啊！！！！

[haochigui]

小三當然要見,告訴她,男人一直沒錢請保母,這下有你不出錢的妹妹來幫忙,真是太好了.男人很了解我,太體貼了.這下有換手的了.我們輪流帶,我男人的小孩,你也很愛吧!

[haochigui]

太氣憤了!!!妻子有沒工作?有工作的話,立馬分居,小孩輪流帶,慢悠悠地打離婚官司,小三要綠卡,好好多拖拖她,再弄著小孩累累,搞搞他們,讓他們矛盾多多,讓小三要綠卡又堅持不下來,不要綠卡,時間又浪費很多.要經常檢查小孩,有一青塊就告他們.最後讓那臭男人淨身滾,小三最後也不跟他,小孩也沒,讓他精神分裂.

[DanaD]

應該說這個男人是有問題的，因為對方那個女人是intern應該也不一定需要他所給的綠卡,但是問題最大的是H，為什麽還在想要全力挽救這樣的人？去見那個女人是可以的，應該隻是好奇，究竟是怎樣的一個人會去接受這樣一個人渣？同時也告訴他倆你的決定：就是放棄他如同丟棄一塊用髒了的抹布。還要就是拿著他的郵件為自己爭取到最大的權益，這是你應該得到的。

[sn2008]

小三不是不在乎錢嗎?離婚，盡可能多地索要贍養費。離婚官司拖上五六年(在美國是
很有可能持久戰的)。小三辦不成綠卡，青春耗掉，結婚也不成，不結婚也已付出等
待。

[漢代蜜瓜]

我靠！把該先生的行李衣服打包給他，讓他即刻出去尋找夢想，做老婆的沒有義務配合。

撫養費贍養費算清楚，淨身出戶追求真愛，這還用討論來討論去嗎？

不是什麽樣的男人都值得挽留，也不是什麽樣的婚姻都值得補救。

腦子進水！

[貼心寶貝]

當然不見。如果他和她成了，最多不過是他的她，和孩子的後媽，與H無關。如果他和她不成，H更加沒必要去浪非時間。但話說回來，H的先生可以不顧她的感受，如此公然討論她的情人，這樣的男人沾上半點的關係都覺得穢氣！

[tooold]

主要是她老公沒把她當回事. 如果她也去找個情人和她老公也說同樣的話. 叫板叫板,後院都著火, 看她老公還有心思? 以其人之道還其人之身嘛.

[世上本無事_庸人自擾之]

嚴重同意芳華！

Like I said in the first post:

哪個男人不想妻妾成群啊？哪個女人不想每天不同的情人送花啊？喜新厭舊是人類的天性，如果你從沒過這種幻想，我敢肯定你的基因有突變過！但是真正付諸行動的不多，為什麽？因為知難而退。你想一想什麽會是他的難和他情人的難？

[芳華]

To 海上的雲:

You maybe receive many cries from Chines woman, it does not mean it is common in North America. In real life, I see the opposite - many Chinese woman had affair with American/Chinese man and left their Chinese husbands. It is just men do not cry so much or they cry in private, so you do not know. They will not ask help from you. They may discuss it with their buddies or maybe Dr. Phil.

So, Please do not conclude it is always happens with women. You have been on Wenxuecity for a while, you probably have seen Chinese men's curses whenever they see Chinese woman dating/marriing American man. It hurts them so much. It threats their life.

[世上本無事_庸人自擾之]

回複laojie

See the problem is this wife is a weak person, she doesn't have the wisdom, the courage, the determination other people suggested. Now bias and revenge aside, what could the wife possibly do? if she were strong, she wouldn't ask this question in the first place, would she? I think the best course of action for her is to calmly present the facts, kick the ball back to them, let them worry about the chaos, let them think about the challenge, let them fear the difficulties. She can then just wait, prepared to let it go, which is not necessarily a bad thing.

[789654]

"尤其是40歲以後又帶孩子，再結婚的可能性幾乎是零。"?寧可去做免費的雞, 也不和他過. 女人還愁沒男人? 這個女的聽男人的聽慣了.

[laojie]

回複世上本無事_庸人自擾之的評論:
Why does she want to waste her time for this? It's not a matter of guts. Don't you see both husband and wife are mentally sick?

[fengxiang]

離婚後為什麽女人都要孩子？ 如果有兩個孩子的話，應該讓男人也帶一個。對於拖家帶口的男人，女孩子也許會重新考慮。

[summerpalace]

This man is DISGUSTING! He deserves a HUGE SLAP on his face!

[芳華]

I am a woman and I have very different opinion about this situation:

1. First of all, we have to admit that it is human nature that man wants to have multiple wives, and WOMAN also wants to have multiple husband (just very very few dare to try it). Why only few men or women got their dream come true? BECAUSE their spouses and lovers do not allow them to!!!! One party has the right to ask whatever they want, the other party has the right to say "NO" or "YES". ----------She should tell her husband "YES" or "NO" on this issue.

2. I would suggest the wife to meet his lover, but just one on one, not three way meeting. Be frank with her. Ask her plan for the relationship. More importantly tell her that my husband = your lover wants to have two wives and ask her if she is willing to allow her lover to have two wives. This one on one meeting is a must if she wants her family back. Maybe even more meetings.

3. Parepare for the worst =divorce (since he is asking for it): Consult a divorce lawyer; save all the emails from the husband; tape record the convesation with the lover (may not be used in the court, but useful outside the court); sort through financial recordd - even if the wife does not have job, do not worry about it, he has to pay for your life and child support for many years).-------- When one of my friend was going though a divorce, she resigned from the job - to force the husband to pay more out of his income - leave less for his future wife.

4. When you are well prepared for the worst , then you can hope for the best - "SAVE" the family. Since the lover lives far away, the LOVE may fade away. Try to drag the divorce as long as possible (using all kinds of excuses), the young girl may lose patience. At that point, the wife needs to ask herself this question: DO YOU WANT HIM BACK? - I would suggest to kick him out of the house after his lover leavs him - tell him: I suffered hurt so much during the process of saving family, I do not want you anymore!!!

[redwest]

悲哀，希望不是真的。

[世上本無事_庸人自擾之]

這位漂亮美眉，如果你不了解法律的話，可不能亂給建議啊。沒有經過司法程序的錄音錄象是非法的，即使真實，法官也不允許呈堂的。知道“水門事件“嗎？

[windcat]

really sad and even shamed for the wife as a women. The husband is a total garbage. The wife should have courage to be independent and life as a good example for her children. Hire a lawyer, leave the man, and try to get most of current property and saving for the future. Being a single mother raising two children is tough but at least you life as an equal person!

Heard such a story is very painful, so sad some women being treated like this, guess she also has no wisdom and too dependent, sad!!!

[水門汀]

他的妻子隻是他想掠美的道具。她的情人則是一副表演的身段。她後來甩他比一塊泥巴還快。

不過，他罪有應得，她呢，不知道是喜歡當後媽呢，還是喜歡糟蹋自己的青春。看過賤的，沒看過這麽賤的女孩子。

建議他太太去見一見這位可人，同時進行錄音，錄像。美國沒有妨害家庭罪，那麽，還有假結婚一說。讓我們拭目以待這場官司怎麽打。

誰是最終的受害者。

其實在美國人的觀念中，結了婚的人都有相互所有權。是彼此的私物。

[sweden]

我不是開玩笑,他老公是處在一個不正常的狀態.從心理學的角度講這種出軌一般持續半年.告訴H等半年.這半年不要和老公討論他的情人,盡量疏遠冷淡她老公,也不要刻意去挽救婚姻.如果半年後她老公還和情人結婚說明他們是真愛,很不幸H她隻有放棄.但一般半年後這種出軌都會斷

[世上本無事_庸人自擾之]

奇了怪了，除了我，居然每個人都說不見，怕什麽呢？無任哪個層麵，你都是占理的一方。If you dare not go, you are already defeated even before the battle starts. 怕難堪？怕難堪的應該是她！

Besides，what could be the worst scenario? Divorce? So what?! Obama wouldn’t have become the President if his mother hadn’t divorced twice!

真是：世上本無事 庸人自擾之！

[laojie]

This is a ridiculous question! The guy is trying to get away with anything -- I guess the wife has always been letting him do so.
I think she should see a doctor, she can't change the husband but she can change herself.

[傲霜鬥雪]

這種婚姻根本不值得挽救, 這個男人早已把這個女人看扁了,如果繼續挽救下去, 隻有自取其辱。
要記住一句話‘最大的善往往會縱恿最大的惡’
自己站起來, 作一個頂天立地的人, 或許還能得那個負心和自私男人的刮目相看，也給孩子作出一個明辨是非的榜樣！
不必要太擔心今後的生活，要積極尋求法律的保護，在美國，婚姻法自會保護弱者， 讓孩子和女人好好的生存下去。
衷心的希望這位女性朋友自強自立，願好人日子越過越好！

[Cherry06]

Gu Cheng :-(

[sweden]

H不該去見老公的情人.她老公該去見精神科醫生!

[朱婷]

這樣的男人,早已是身不由己,講難聽點是做了xx,還要立牌的那種.陷入了中年危機的深淵不能自拔.

單是精神出軌,尚可酌情考量(人無完人,誰沒有一時的精神迷惑),可他已是身心具出,且滿口妄語----發著如果那一頭沒著落,這一頭還可繼續白頭的美夢,這樣的人,還是一個所謂的好父親嗎(真是虛偽得可以),得讓他get out.

人到中年,早已明白:退一步海闊天空的道理,文中的"小三"是沒有必要見的,愛咋的咋的,不要給自己再多一個難堪,在感恩節之前,讓他把該辦的扶養事宜辦妥,好好為自己為孩子活下去,在這個世間,沒有誰離了誰會活不下去的.

執子之手，與子偕老固然是好,可是如果是天意:緣分已盡,那就隨意吧,跟著自己走到最後的是自己的頭腦,自己的良心.

祝福她好人平安


陷入了中年危機的深淵不能自拔

[世上本無事_庸人自擾之]

哈哈，看來輿論一邊倒，但是你們的義憤填膺隻能讓事主更加情緒化，於事無補。我也看了你的另外兩篇文章，大道理都對，但不實用。對打定主意出軌的男人（女人也一樣）曉之以理，動之以情，都是脫褲子放屁，多此一舉！你唯一的選擇是讓他（她）知難而退或放手。

先說說別的。哪個男人不想妻妾成群啊？哪個女人不想每天不同的情人送花啊？喜新厭舊是人類的天性，如果你從沒過這種幻想，我敢肯定你的基因有突變過！但是真正付諸行動的不多，為什麽？因為知難而退。你想一想什麽會是他的難和她的難？

再說點別的，如果突然的車禍，你先生走了，你和你的孩子就不活了？就是嘛，這個地球少了誰都一樣轉！離婚也不是世界的末日，隻有想通了這一點，你才能心平氣和下來對症下藥。

為什麽你先生又要離婚，又要你嚴守秘密？噢，照樣做孩子的爹媽？看來他不想傷害孩子。你告訴他你也有機會開始感情的新篇章，但是你也不想傷害孩子。可惜不傷害不可能，法律上的離婚一定要經過法庭，子女的監護權是極其重要的一部分，法官甚至會直接問孩子的意向，你問他瞞著孩子是否可能。

去不去會他的女友？當然去，不僅去，而且談笑風聲，告訴她所有你老公生活中需要照顧的地方。譬如：“啊，我先生很喜歡酸辣湯，你會不會做啊？不會？沒關係啦，慢慢學啦，嗬嗬，記住先放鹽，味精最後放。。。”然後講你的孩子：“周六彈琴，周日打球。。。你認不認路？不認？沒關係啦，讓我先生給你買個GPS，嗬嗬。。。”在講“我先生”一詞時要特親切。

都無效的話，那你就放手，who knows, maybe you will get a better life too! Good Luck!

[laoshan88]

中年女人遇到這種事確實很難。連Hilary這樣強勢的女人都選擇了原諒（有人說她不離婚是為了利用克林頓，也許是）。男人離了會很快找到更年輕的女人，女人離了，尤其是40歲以後又帶孩子，再結婚的可能性幾乎是零。而女人又太注重婚姻了。 這就是女人的悲哀。 我覺得一個女人為挽救婚姻作出努力是對的。這和尊嚴什麽的沒關係。但這位丈夫好像太無恥了太欺人太甚了，還是離了算了。 但離婚時，財產，子女贍養費等問題一定要解決好。

[弄堂小姐]

當然是不要去見這個丈夫的情人，這個丈夫也不是人，建議趕緊把他從生命裏刪除。 人渣。。。

[雨湖]

我平時都是潛水不發言的，實在忍不住了。這個男的實在欺人太甚了，而他太太居然還在考慮他的建議。一個人帶孩子過得再艱難，也好過這樣沒有尊嚴地生活。這樣的男人，馬上離開他，真是渣滓。他的email,這些作為離婚證據，別便宜了他，讓他付撫養費，以後再也不要和他糾纏。這樣的品格，即使沒有這個，也會有下一個第三者的。

[tk84]

如果這女人是家庭主婦，從來沒工作，那另當別論，離了根本就無法生存。

[tk84]

這女人還叫“要強”？任何一個“要強”的女人都不會無自尊到如此地步啊。這男人把她當成人了嗎？自己在外邊有人，居然要求女人“嚴守秘密，夫妻仍然住在一起（情人已在兩千裏之外），照樣做孩子的爹媽，住在一個屋簷之下。若兩三年後，他和情人分道揚鑣（他可能心知肚明小他過一輪的年輕女孩與他一個二號小老頭好不長久），他再和發妻重相攜到老。”，又要玩，還要給自己留後路。這如意算盤打的！不要家的不是這個女人，是這個男人啊，如何挽救？就是在古代要呐妾，也得分個大小啊。這女人真的腦袋進水了，還在考慮去不去見他的情人。一個正常女人再大度能接受到男人在外邊悄悄玩，不問不管就算了，大概無法接受到如此地步吧？我說句難聽話吧，如果這叫好強寬容，我隻能說她根本不懂啥叫婚姻家庭。

[揚子江酒店]

‘你也知道我幻想我能擁有兩個妻子’-真夠無恥的！
寫個email告訴那個男人，我外麵也有一個男情人，也想擁有兩個丈夫，不如大家4個人都在一個屋簷下生活算了。。。神經病！
怎麽這種故事經久不衰？我同事N年前遇到的一模一樣，她立刻離了婚，一個人帶著兩個孩子。男人和年輕女人結了婚，後來女人還生了一個孩子。
最初的艱難挺過來了，現在女兒們高中畢業了，後麵老婆生的小孩也10歲了。回頭看，日子也不就這樣過來了。不能挽救的婚姻還是放棄好，關鍵是調整好自己的心態。

[safying]

回複風鶼滄月的評論:
太對了，這不是拯救婚姻，這是讓惡人向地獄滑的更遠。
早離開，對誰都是負責。
孩子遲早是要知道的，如果讓他爹樹立這個典範，長大以後難免不照葫蘆畫瓢。。。

[7788520]

暈，越想越想不明白，還來說兩句。這人都怎麽了？病態不至於病態到這程度啊。男人有情人不知恥不隱瞞居然還要女人去見麵？女人到了這境地還在問應該不應該去見麵？ 是不是真是“當局者迷”啊，我這旁觀者來看，覺得都雙方都走的太遠了。

[風鶼滄月]

這女人怎麽了？？這種情況還叫拯救家庭嗎？這已經跟什麽智慧，寬容扯不上關係了，這叫縱容犯罪吧

[7788520]

這不是北美的道德標準，這是華人男女的故事。這個女人有點病吧，看了這種故事，我隻一句，欺人太甚。

[forestea]

這樣的男人為什麽還要挽回呢？
這男人的想法很奇怪啊，在任何情況下這個妻子也不可能，同時也沒有任何必要去喜歡這個女孩啊，北美的道德標準這麽低麽？

[TZMAN]

這還不簡單，倆辦法：一、砸鍋賣鐵；二、破釜沉舟。

······

嗯？不對，我錯了，就是一個辦法！

算了，順其自然吧，怎麽修行都有成正果的。

[快樂生活123]

沒必要見吧。1）這是那個男人的事情，應該讓他自己來處理；2）見了麵就好像在某種程度上認可了這種關係和這個男人想要的生活狀態；3）聽起來這個老婆不是這個情人的對手，見了麵弄不好這個情人在梨花帶雨在男人麵前杜撰出這個老婆如何的責難她，到時這個老婆百口難辯啊，而男人也就更理直氣壯了。

[gagawoo]

The wife has already made a big mistake by allowing the husband to treat her like that, it would be even more stupid for her to see this younger woman. What I see from your description is that the husband is abusing the wife's insecurity and desire of keeping the family together. But children are very smart. They must have noticed that things are different.

No matter the wife wants or does not want to keep the husband, she should leave him and start her own life. Let him enjoy his "ideal" life. She can NEVER get any respect or real love from the husband by making compromise like she has been doing. And what I see is that her way of dealing with the situation is going to have very bad impact on her children. The children may very likely repeat their parents story when they grow up.

No! Do NOT go to meet with the younger woman. From your story, I could not tell if the husband has married the girl or not. If the girl is going to be in the children's life, the wife should NOT talk negatively about the girl either because it is any way their father's choice.

I think the best way is for your friend -- the wife, to leave the husband, and move on with her own life. No need to meet with the girl, but be courtesy to her -- do not create unnecessary bad karma for herself and for the children.