By San
A thousand days older, wiser and wearier.
On the 24th I was working. It was a fairly normal day, I suppose my biggest concerns in life at that time were the interest rate on my mortgage, where I would go for my vacation that winter, and when my paper would come back from the reviewers.
I was checking the news periodically because of the situation on the Belarussian border, but I couldn’t decide if it was something to worry about or media sensationalism. At around 3pm my time the news struck. It quite literally struck: “Explosions in Kyiv”. The capital of the largest country in Europe was under attack. It got worse as I got home, pictures of holes all the way through highrise appartment buildings, columns of tanks that were kilometers longs, millions of people fleeing to safety and of course russian news saying that it was all fake. There are images from those first few days that will stick with me forever. The young boy crossing the Polish border in tears perhaps affected me the most.
I didn’t know very much about Ukraine at this point. We had a game called Carmen San Diego as kids, and I remember “Kiev” as the city with domed buildings. I knew about the president and his fateful phone call with Trump. I knew that Crimea had been annexed but I didn’t fully understand how and why. In those first few days it seemed the entire world was in shock,… until the whole world was an expert on everything to do with Ukraine and everyone should have seen this coming. Everyone will have their own reasons why these events affected them, but for me it was the sheer scale and the audacity.
This wasn’t supposed to happen again.
Today is 1000 days since the start of the full scale invasion, the “big” war — as one of my students calls it. It’s hard to know if people in the world are still shocked, still concerned, if I’m in an info-bubble or if everything I read is being manipulated. But I don’t feel shock any more at the sight of holes in buildings, grotesque injuries, dead bodies, or displaced children.
My friends in Ukraine are tired and they want the horror to end. But they keep going because they have no choice in the matter. I am tired, and I want the horror to end and I have the choice to switch off for a while. Because I’m not there… physically.
On the idea of visiting Ukraine, one friend said to me — “You should come soon or I may not be here” another said — “You should come soon or Ukraine may not be here”.
It’s important to remember what has changed in 1000 days. I have a few grey hairs now and the strain has added up. On the other hand I have met so many wonderful friends, students, mentors and “volunpeers”, that I feel more connected to others than I ever have before. I’ve learnt so much, done so much and I believe that we’ve made something beautiful in Balakun. Some days it feels like a miracle, and some days it is not enough.
So I meet 1000 days with a head full of resolve and heart full of love. For me it would be naive to say that this war is about Good, Evil, Freedom, Tyranny, Democracy, Dignity… In my opinon it is much simpler. It is about Love. One side in this war fights for the people they love and the other does not.
愛與戰爭的一千個日子
作者：San
曆經千日，更添智慧，亦感疲憊。
那年2月24日，我正在工作。那本是非常平凡的一天，大概我當時生活中最大的煩惱就是房貸利率、冬天要去哪裏度假，還有論文什麽時候會收到審稿回複。
我一直都有在關注白俄羅斯邊境的情勢，但我不確定該不該擔心，或許這隻是媒體的誇大。下午三點左右，新聞傳來，簡直是晴天霹靂：“基輔發生爆炸。” 歐洲最大的國家首都正遭受攻擊。等到回家的時候，情況變得更糟，鋪天蓋地的高樓公寓被炸出大洞、綿延數公裏的坦克車隊的照片，還有數百萬人逃離家園，當然，還有俄羅斯新聞宣稱一切都是假的。那些最初幾天的景象將永遠烙印在我的腦海裏。尤其是那個含淚獨自跨越波蘭邊境的年輕男孩，對我的衝擊最為深刻。
那時候，我對烏克蘭的了解並不多。小時候玩過一個叫《環遊世界捉迷藏》的遊戲，隻記得“基輔”是個有圓頂建築的城市。我知道他們的總統，以及他與川普那通至關重要的電話。我知道克裏米亞被吞並了，但並不完全理解個中原委。在最初的幾天裏，全世界都感到震驚…直到全世界都成了烏克蘭專家，好像每個人早就預料到這一切會發生。每個人都會有自己的理由來解釋這些事件對他們的影響，但對我而言，衝擊最大的是其規模和膽大妄為。
這種事不該再次發生
今天是全麵入侵開始後的第1000天，也就是我的學生口中的“大”戰爭。不知道現在世界上的人們是否仍然感到震驚、仍然關心，或者我身處於信息繭房中，又或者我所讀到的一切都被操縱了。但我不再對那些建築物的破洞、駭人的傷口、屍體，或流離失所的兒童感到震驚。
我在烏克蘭的朋友們很疲憊，他們希望這場噩夢結束。但他們別無選擇，隻能繼續堅持下去。我也感到疲憊，我也希望這場噩夢結束，但我有選擇可以暫時封閉自己。因為我不在那裏…至少身體上不在。
對我拜訪烏克蘭的想法，一位朋友對我說：“你最好快點來，不然我可能不在了。”另一位朋友則說：“你最好快點來，不然烏克蘭可能不在了。”
重要的是我們要記住，這1000天來發生了什麽變化。我現在多了幾根白頭發，壓力也越來越大。但另一方麵，我也結識了許多很棒的朋友、學生、導師和“自願夥伴”，我覺得自己比以往任何時候都更與他人緊密相連。我學到了很多，做了很多，而且我相信我們在 Balakun 創造了一些有價值的事物。有些時候，我覺得像個奇跡，但有些時候，這還遠遠不夠。
所以我以充滿決心和愛的心，迎接這第1000天。對我來說，如果說這場戰爭是關於善良、邪惡、自由、暴政、民主、尊嚴…那就太天真了。在我看來，這樣說太簡單了。這一切都是關於愛。這場戰爭中的一方，是為了他們所愛的人而戰，而另一方則不是。
