With What Eyes
The very act of writing was one of vanity.- Paul Valéry
繞了大半個中國，終於又回到北美。在敦煌莫高狠狠愛了一把，知道了什麽叫情有獨衷。那樣的一個地方，你不可能不愛它。Chanel 說 “There is time for work. And time forlove. That leaves no other time.”而敦煌正是那麽樣的一個地方，藍天白雲黃沙綠樹，你將放下生活中一切不必要的人與事，去享受工作與愛情的奢侈。那是絕對的奢侈，絕對的舒心與快樂，即便有挫折，即便每日必須在烈日下黃沙上行走，在掩埋白骨、滿是塵土的洞窟裏爬來爬去，也覺得那根本算不了什麽。說到奢侈，luxury must be comfortable，comfortable as if you are nake，否則就談不上是 luxury. So is love.所謂愛情的折磨，其實隻不過是因為不愛。我所尋找的那種舒適，其實是一種歸屬感 (belongingness). This is where I belong: I belong to something that is worthy of my time. Something greater. 現在想來，最適合一個人的事業與愛情必然是能夠讓你感到最舒心、最快樂的，就像赤裸了腳，穿一雙 DJPliner的小牛皮鞋，走在Bloomington落了紅葉子黃葉子的石板路上，或是傍晚在莫高窟遺址前，紅著臉，安安靜靜看太陽下山，看沙漠與山丘的脊背裸露在夜幕下，看現代人修複古跡的燈火逐漸打開了幽暗的窟門，又遮掩了去。
十日之後，離了那裏，一路流水如下：在 Princeton看貓，看花，替朋友伴唱“When I am laid in earth”。歌唱完，她告訴我打算轉行念法學院，讓我好一陣鬱悶，鬱悶完一笑，其實又何必？有些東西，無論你做些什麽，永遠不可能改變。今年是 Juilliard百年校慶，替Dr. Yessin 緬懷了師祖 Ms. Lhevinne，順帶在 Met Opera House看了Bolshoi Ballet的三幕舞劇Spartacus，有些失望，Vorobiev的舞是好的，Vedernikov指導的音樂卻少了羅馬民族特色，聽起來不外是俄羅斯作曲家擅長的浪漫主義弦樂，有黑管的地方還勉強能應付過去，其他則全靠服裝布景撐場麵，群舞編得也有些過了火，總覺得不當。Met Museum二樓的中國展廳內原有我喜歡的鄭板橋的竹，現被傅山的一幅狂草所代，異曲同工，仍是對我胃口。Chanel的紀念展覽在一樓一個小小的角落，藏在一個個黑色屏風裏的是蕾絲、No.5，和舉止幽雅的老太太，不遠處，是古代埃及公主們的服飾。懂得享受時代氣息的女人，懂得適度拒絕的女人是可愛的，不是麽？
It has been a revealing summer. My best to everybody.
It is time for me to go back again. to see the stars in the desert, in the open sky, where none but my own eyes are there to refelct the images of distance in light. I love this life of mine. I bless my parents for allowing me to pursue what I am born to do.
And someone ask if I understand the human nature to appreciate love and lust; and I said, for those that understand the nature of man - the true nature and its power, they will appreciate love and lust greatly. Yet for those who cannot understand the nature of man nor our relationship within this world, they will see nothing but love and lust.
