musical words？

好像當代詩歌裏一個時髦的理念是詩歌應該 musical ，俺不懂，覺得是故弄玄虛，尤其英文。 好像意大利語，電影裏看到，倒是感覺他們說話像唱歌。俺喜歡餘秀華的， 翻譯過一首，倒是有人說 musical ，很是驚訝。也許餘秀華是 musical 的高手。

 

橫店村的下午 

 

餘秀華

 

恰巧陽光正好，照到坡上的屋脊，照到一排白楊 

照到一方方小水塘，照到水塘邊的水草 

照到匍匐的蕨類植物。照到油菜，小麥 

光陰不夠平整，被那麽多的植物分取 

被一頭牛分取，被水中央的鴨子分取 

被一個個手勢分取 

同時，也被我分取 

我用分取的光陰湊足了半輩子 

母親用這些零碎湊足了一頭白發 

隻有萬物歡騰 

——它們又湊足了一個春天 

我們在這樣的春天裏 

不過是把橫店村重新捂熱一遍

 

One afternoon in the village Hengdian

 

The sun shines exactly as needed, on the roofs on the hill, on a row of aspen trees

Shines on many square ponds, on the aquatic grass in the edge of the ponds

Shines on the crawling ferns. Shines on canola, wheat

The alternating light and darkness aren’t fair or regular, shared by many plants

One share for a cow, one share for the ducks in the water

Shared by many hand gestures

At the same time, shared by me

I piece together my share of light and darkness into half a life

Mother pieces together her trivial share into all white hairs on her head

Only all other creatures frolic

—They piece together another spring

We reside in this spring 

Nothing more than envelope Hengdian into warmth again        

 

Likes: kevin, Mariovitale227, Owain, Hosein shafiei, Cal Smith, rcampbell13

 

Owain - I love that 'sun shines exactly as needed'. It emphasises to me that nature does what it sees best and not what we want it to do but that generally our needs/desires match what nature is willing to provide. This poem describes one of those times.

3 years ago   x

 

Cal Smith - A very nice picture of a little village. A little too much word repetition though.
It might be better, for example, to write:

"The sun shines exactly as needed,
on the roofs on the hill,
with its row of aspen trees.
And on the many square ponds
with aquatic grasses on  their edges.

It shines on crawling ferns
and on canola wheat.
The alternating light and darkness
isn't fair or regular,
because it's shared by many plants."

 

這是一位教 poetry 的回複，也許他能感覺到 musical 

 

“I admire greatly your translations from the Chinese, most especially the one by Xiuhua Yu. The idea, very well handled in your translation, of light unequally shared among the creatures, is an arresting one. It's astonishing that you have found a way to render the poem in such smooth and musical English.“