打油版亞裔家長廿七態

亞裔家長廿七態（27 Signs You Were Raised By Asian Immigrant Parents）




引子

美國社會熔爐哉，
世界各族移民來。
鋼鐵煉成子一代，
爭做中流砥柱材。

東亞巨變日戰敗，
韓戰冷戰越戰排。
戰爭和平陰晴改，
難擋移民蹈海來。

故國無寧浮桴海，
新邦容安須尋宅。
胼手砥足求survive，
打拚苦盡甘才來。

貧寒如我留學來，
學成歸化就業乖。
也有居家遷徙快，
更有逃身自怒海。

徒喚天下父母奈，
半世操勞頭都白。
更歎移民家長哉。
背井離鄉多為孩。

東西教育差異在，
西山放羊東灌溉。
虎媽藤媽出東海，
兔爹牛爸呲牙待。

孩子未來家未來，
老牛拉車盡力載。
護犢有勁休見怪，
不到成年豈放開。

人離祖國音不改，
故土習俗更捎帶。
待人接物土氣派，
子女教育常瞎掰。

己不覺察舊俗在，
狐狸尾巴露出來。
見怪不怪子女怪，
搞笑編此廿七態。


27 Signs You Were Raised By Asian Immigrant Parents  Specifically East Asian (Chinese, Korean, Vietnamese, etc.)


1.Before prom, your parents had stern words for your date:


1
高中畢業成人禮，
PROM晚會娃娃比。
家長資助專買衣，
二三百元訂晚禮。

男孩父母最在意，
晚會兒邀誰家女。
女孩家長懸口氣，
誰家兒郎帶女去。

兒請女友很秘密，
家長屢問竟口閉。
父母隻好小心翼，
設計跟蹤悄揭謎。

同學家長通消息，
交換情報各取需。
臉譜上麵尋蹤跡，
畢竟老爹老狐狸。

順藤摸瓜摸到底，
背景模樣匯報妻。
晚會圍校車轉急，
老爸請媽按相機。

謎解孩就沒脾氣，
父母趕緊表美意。
啥時邀她來家裏？
要不兩家吃飯去?

聽此兒更煩意起，
爹媽管事啥都及。
捕風捉影瞎著急，
其實邀舞純友誼。

2.On vacations, your parents took photos like this:


You laughed, rolled your eyes, but years later you realize you should've taken more photos of them.
Via: m.lolsnaps.com

2

孩子眼中父母另，
一起照相難為情。
動作誇張摁快門，
連擺pose笑煞人。



3.They did this at the fruit aisle:



3
東方父母智慧發，
最囧商場買西瓜。
一個一個拍聽掐，
常常生蔞抱回家。



4.And ordered hot water at restaurants.


Source: electricgale.tumblr.com


全家出門入餐館，
幾杯開水最先點。
餐館若隻備冰塊，
微波快熱花時間。


5.They coached  you on starving before a buffet and gorging only on rib eye and  lobsters. Seafood-phobes were deadweight in buffet Olympics.


躍躍欲試自助餐，
之前節食肚餓扁。
摩拳擦掌店裏見，
搖搖晃晃開始選。
專吃牛排燒熟爛，
更喜龍蝦貴海鮮，
比誰吃多腹便便，
簡直堪比奧運練。


6.When the bill came, older relatives fought, i.e., yelled and screamed in the middle of the restaurant, for the right to pay.


Via: justkiddingfilms.net


6
餐館聚餐將近完，
各家首腦吵翻天。
都是爭先搶埋單，
土豪大款俠氣顯。
老美看得直瞪眼，
以為搶錢要動拳。
差點報警桌下潛，
見此兒女愧連連。


7.Some distant  cousin or family friend's son/daughter is always being trotted out as a  paragon of perfection that you're falling short of.


Source: zazzle.com


7
爹媽煩人愛攀比，
總把親戚鄰居提。
設個榜樣好成績，
拐彎抹角激勵你。

他們在家搞刺激，
出門又都胡吹噓。
望子成龍鳳成女，
盡在刺激吹噓裏。


8.When you got sick, your parents fed you bitter herbal brews, or sent you to weird bruising traditional treatments:

It didn't actually hurt, but you were always afraid someone would report you to Child Services when you changed for gym.


Source: youtube.com

8
當你小病小災起，
優先中醫來治疾。
苦口良藥海碗提，
銀針火罐皮肉激。
害你GYM不敢去，
更不敢隨便脫衣。
斑痕累累隱血跡，
就怕有人報警急。

9.Your mom's always convinced it's too cold without a jacket outside.

And you would never, ever, leave the fan on when you're sleeping.

Via: youtube.com


9
家裏固然很暖宜，
娘覺外邊冷無比。
每次你出大門去，
她都立馬追送衣。
加你厚衣強迫披，
還硬扣帽趁頭低。
經常室外暖天氣，
害你半道汗兮兮。

10.Your relatives stuffed you with awesome food. And they didn't hesitate to comment when your waistline ballooned.

Expert food trolls, those Asian aunts.

Via: fucking-hyolyn.tumblr.com

10
父母移民非孤立，
多有七叔八大姨。
每次你到Ta家去，
所有好吃全喂你。

11.You ate savory breakfasts littered with jarred pickles. Rice was always involved.

Source: 4.bp.blogspot.com

11
早餐頓頓味道鹹，
鹹蛋鹵蛋加泡飯。
腐乳難聞嚐卻鮮，
各種泡菜大小盤。

12.When they visited you, they always crashed on some relative's couch, or kicked you out of your own bed.

They were convinced hotels were a rip-off.



12
遠道來訪不住店，
說店敲杠太費錢。
毫不客氣你床偏，
親戚親近啥不嫌。

13. The remote control is wrapped in plastic wrap.

Source: ressacjane.blogspot.com

13
愛惜東西非一般，
啥都包裹嚴又嚴。
遙控器外塑料纏，
手機小心貼膜麵。


14.For a  household that was low on luxury, there were a lot of foot massagers,  back massagers, massage hammers, and massage accessories.

Via: themetapicture.com


14
雖然身心俱操勞，
卻愛修身養性操。
太極八卦跆拳道，
假裝關公舞大刀。

按摩裝置家不少，
肩膀後背腿和腰。
也有木勺癢癢撓，
按摩木屐更硌腳。

15.Your mom put fluffy dried pork into your sandwiches, and your friends said it looked like hair.

Scarred for life.

Source: seriouseats.com


15
自製三明治難看，
肉脯肉鬆加個遍。
學校同學好奇觀，
說多黃發夾裏邊。

16.Your fridge was packed with jars whose labels never matched the food within.

You also saved every jar to store pickled stuff.

Source: bangkokgoplay.pixnet.net

16
冰箱從來裝滿滿，
大大小小瓶瓶罐。
罐裝個個錯標簽，
各種泡菜吃飯搬。


17.You only had bowls. No plates.

Source: pzed


17
家裏到處都是碗，
碟盤常常難找見。
筷子一撅就都斷，
不斷從來也不換。

18.The dishwasher was used only as a drying rack.

Source: 3.bp.blogspot.com


18
洗碗機的用處變，
隻做儲碗加風幹。
自動洗碗從不練，
號稱省水也省錢。

19.In the drawers were free napkins, cups, utensils, and mini shampoo bottles your parents hoarded from hotels.

Also shower caps, though no one in your family has ever used one before.

Source: pakermonkey.blogspot.com


19
抽屜雜物花樣顯，
很多順手自旅館。
肥皂牙膏洗頭液，
沒用也拿已花錢。


20.Saturdays,  you studied your parents' native tongues. Sundays, you practiced an  instrument. Your dad was rad if he let you pick the guitar.

Via: castnet.nctu.edu.tw

20
除了學校課程管，
課外活動逼你幹。
周六中文補習班，
周日鋼琴請教練。
如果你抱吉他談，
爹就跟你急紅眼。
看你沉溺遊戲玩，
怒不可遏娘網關。

21.Your friends were always wondering why your parents were arguing. That's just how they speak.

Via: shutterstock.com


21
父母說話聲音大，
讓人聽著疑吵架。
你在身邊很尷尬，
恨不找個地縫鑽。


22.Everyone was your aunt or uncle, but you had no idea if they were actually related to you.

Also your parents called each other Mom and Dad instead of their  first names. In fact, you didn't even know adults had first names.




22
叔叔阿姨到處見，
是啥血緣搞不掂。
隻叫姓氏混不堪，
名字從來忘腦邊。


23.You know what durians smell like.

Source: hungrytravels.com


23
多有雅習吃榴蓮，
你聞味道就鼻掩。
熱帶水果味奇變，
何止榴蓮聞與見。


24.People always assume that you're related to another Lee/Chung/Nguyen/Hong/Kim that they know.

Source: daves4

24
亞裔紮堆學校慘，
同姓氏者整個班。
李陳吳洪金張阮，
以為全有親血緣。



25.Nothing will stop your aunts from trying to set you up with royal bores with Ivy League degrees.

"Mom, we have nothing in common." "But she's a doctor from Harvard!"

Source:


25
見名同姓自藤校，
就當榜樣跟你嘮。
既然同族能達到，
你該盡力也去搞。


26.Every year, you got money in red envelopes on New Year's.

Source: kristinandkayla.com


26

親戚朋友過節到，
每年都給大紅包。
他們也不望回報，
長輩隻想晚輩好。


27.Finally: Your parents gave you everything they had and spent nothing on themselves.  They know firsthand the dangers of the world, and their work isn't done  until they see you settled and safe.

Their clothes are 20 years old, but they sent you to college. They  may be too stoic to say, "I love you," but you know they do, and you  wouldn't change anything! Thanks, Mom and Dad!




27

咱爹咱媽如此搞，
前麵已列廿六條。
當年赴美路迢迢，
憶此他們淚就飆。
所作一切為孩好，
毫無保留鋪兒道。
慘痛教訓故園消，
勤勉經驗新家找。
世界奇幻也危妙，
切身遭遇說與曉。
引咱上路他們笑，
等你平安父母老。


他們舊衣又舊袍，
廿年不買新褲襖。
送你大學去深造，
節儉家用掏腰包。


隻有母語呱呱叫，
他們英文待提高。
他們也不親情矯，
“I love you”心想難口道。
你知他們自人小，
養你教你從繈褓。
護你顧你陽關道，
行動遠勝言語表。


父母之恩平凡耀，
默記於心細微曉。
得此機會假搞笑，
實向他們謝意表！