1/11 Friday

Its 4am in the morning, but I cant fall asleep, I am in a deep emotional hole, need to be rescued. I am going to Shanghai this evening, but didnt do any packing yet, and I am supposed to fix some important part for the stupid system before I leaving for Shanghai, not done either.

I had a very bad day at work on Thursday, S asked me to fix some mess in 2 days, which Ben had spent months on. I was stressed out, and recently kinda in light depression. So 1am, I got out from a long hot bath, just felt a little better, then the new drama came. Its murphy's law, when you think everything couldnt get any worse, surprisingly, it could, always! Rob was online, we were having a talk, "hows life...blah blah..." He was kinda flirting with me, mentioned those days we being together. Then I asked, "Are you trying to ask me out?" Rob typed, "I cant." "Why?" Simple question. "Well, Jess, I am seeing someone else now." DANG! Tonight's biggest bomb here. "Oh... thats cool, congrats." "Really sorry", he said, did he really mean it? How the hell I know. "Its ok, she is better, that happens, and I am a big girl, I can live with that." I was lying, the update news got me so down right away, and made me wanna just throw my laptop on his head, if he was here in front of me, I swear, I would do that. Most time I could really take it easy, cos shit happens in life all the time, we have to survive and live with them. But this time, I wasnt fine, after one of the worst days in office, plus 10% depression from the goddamn winter days, I couldnt hold myself back, "Why??? Why not me? Give me one fucking reason!" Apparently he didnt expect this question, "Jess, I cant explain... she is not better, actually she is much older than you and..." I didnt let him finish those bullshit, cos I knew why, from the very beginning, I knew it. "Are you afraid that I would leave you someday if you decided to be with me? You just cant handle me, right?" This time, Rob decided to be honest, "Yes, that thought haunted me. You are pretty wild, fun, hot, exciting... I am afraid..." Ok, now being wild, fun, hot, exciting just became my fault to make him insecure, LOL! I was furious, Rob was such a chicken that he was just afraid to be dumped, exactly the coward guy, Rick in Casablanca, btw, I hate that movie. There was no meaning to keep this conversation going, I said, "Wish you happy, with the right lady." Its just another lie, what I really meant was, go screw yourself with that ugly old bitch!
 
Its not about how much I fell for Rob, its just a very bad timing to face this fact. Actually the one who is screwed is me, I am not in the mood to do either packing, or fixing bugs, and I know I have to, now I seriously wanna run away, leave all the mess behind me. I already start to hate 2008, so far I got nothing but mess. How many dramas I have to go through to get to the point??? Why its so fucking hard?