jgey的單身日記
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周日計劃改變，我最終還是和Dave一起，天氣好得不得了，我們一起去上野公園散步。看到公園的人工湖裏有人在劃船，我說，我記不得最後一次劃船是什麽時候了，Dave說，那我們去劃船吧。於是，我成年以來的第一次劃船，和Dave，在陽光明媚的午後，我一直覺得劃船是比較cheesy的約會項目，很意外的感覺很好。我們把船靠在一片樹蔭下，Dave躺在船的一邊，我慢慢爬到他身上，看著他的眼睛，吻他；他看著我的眼睛，說，“Jess, I need to tell you something...”我知道這一刻早晚會來，隻是沒想到會是在這樣的情況下，Dave說他和他前妻談過了，他們決定嚐試重新彌補他們的關係。我聽見自己心裏輕輕的一聲“哢”，好像什麽東西裂開一樣，但臉上仍然保持住迷人的笑容，對他說，“good luck”，陽光突然變得有些刺眼。我大概可以掛牌占卜了，前一天的預感即時轉變成現實，應該慶幸，早報現早托生。
晚上我們分開的時候，我突然哭了出來。I didnt cry when Mario vanishing in my life, I didnt cry when I was in a tough situation that I had to quit the job, I didnt cry when I feel frustrated during job hunting...and now, I was crying. Actually it wasnt all about Dave, I guess I have built up a lot of pressure and depression inside when I going through all those dramas recently, finally the emotional crash came out. Dave was holding me, he said he felt bad, but thats not what I wanted, its not his fault at all. I just felt kinda frustrated and depressed, so couldnt hold the tears back, its not like he broke my heart, not at all. Today when I thinking of the matter again, I feel so embarrassed, and I shouldnt have taken my emotional crash out on Dave, now he would think that I am so emotionally attached to him, no, that is not right, damn.
This few days, I have thought a lot about life, but more I think more I get confused. I dont have any goal in life now, there is nothing that I really enjoy and wanna do, everything is quite much meaningless for me. I dont know how this happened to me, I am trying to figure out how I got to this stage from the beginning, but there is no answer. Why I cant have a job and feel happy like everybody else? Why I cant just commit to a guy, get married, have family and feel happy like everybody else? Whats wrong with me??? I used to be a normal kid, never got into any trouble, enjoyed school life, got good scores in every subject, I was doing very well on the normal routine...Then all of a sudden, I am out! I cant fit in the normal routine any more, and I cant find out a new routine for myself either, I am lost.
Later night I got on MSN, wanted to have some talk with dad, he always knows something I dont know about life. Offline messages popped out, by mom, they gonna take a bicycle trip to another city for a few days, lol, it seems they are having good time, I better not bother them with my shit. Everybody is happy, except me. Gosh, this is really hurtful, when I cant help feeling miserable... But, I dont wanna compromise yet, even though its tough, I know I need to keep going with all hopes, everything will be fine, I will be fine.
晚上我們分開的時候，我突然哭了出來。I didnt cry when Mario vanishing in my life, I didnt cry when I was in a tough situation that I had to quit the job, I didnt cry when I feel frustrated during job hunting...and now, I was crying. Actually it wasnt all about Dave, I guess I have built up a lot of pressure and depression inside when I going through all those dramas recently, finally the emotional crash came out. Dave was holding me, he said he felt bad, but thats not what I wanted, its not his fault at all. I just felt kinda frustrated and depressed, so couldnt hold the tears back, its not like he broke my heart, not at all. Today when I thinking of the matter again, I feel so embarrassed, and I shouldnt have taken my emotional crash out on Dave, now he would think that I am so emotionally attached to him, no, that is not right, damn.
This few days, I have thought a lot about life, but more I think more I get confused. I dont have any goal in life now, there is nothing that I really enjoy and wanna do, everything is quite much meaningless for me. I dont know how this happened to me, I am trying to figure out how I got to this stage from the beginning, but there is no answer. Why I cant have a job and feel happy like everybody else? Why I cant just commit to a guy, get married, have family and feel happy like everybody else? Whats wrong with me??? I used to be a normal kid, never got into any trouble, enjoyed school life, got good scores in every subject, I was doing very well on the normal routine...Then all of a sudden, I am out! I cant fit in the normal routine any more, and I cant find out a new routine for myself either, I am lost.
Later night I got on MSN, wanted to have some talk with dad, he always knows something I dont know about life. Offline messages popped out, by mom, they gonna take a bicycle trip to another city for a few days, lol, it seems they are having good time, I better not bother them with my shit. Everybody is happy, except me. Gosh, this is really hurtful, when I cant help feeling miserable... But, I dont wanna compromise yet, even though its tough, I know I need to keep going with all hopes, everything will be fine, I will be fine.
G.C.同學，最近這裏是GOLDENWEEK，所有公司都休假，我著急也沒辦法，隻好順便“搞點兒副業”，哈，韋小寶常說的“小賭宜情”。
再堅持一下，估計很快就會有結果了。
我從前不順時也曾有同感， 可現在覺得真的是“家家有一本難念的經”。 每個人都努力的掩飾自己的煩惱，顯示給世界的都是閃亮的一麵。可美國每年那麽多人都服用反憂鬱症的藥， 不到每個人的家裏的medicine cabinet裏去翻一翻根本看不出平時那些“成功”“快樂”的人士原來並不怎麽令人羨慕。
你現在工作還未定，我建議還是在感情方麵少活動一點。你現在頭等大事是找工作，情人晚個幾天沒關係， 頂多你家laundry的老爺爺少賺點錢； 飯碗如果晚了問題就大了， 你現在剛剛辭職不久還沒有太大的壓力，覺得時間還多， 可是找工作momentum非常重要， 與前一個工作的間隔的時間越長越麻煩，雇主的顧慮就會越多，就像滾雪球一樣, baggage 越滾越多。我勸你還是趁熱打鐵， 分清priority， 把工作的事早日定下來， 再說了，沒人喜歡一個迷戀Jimmy Choo 卻又不能掙錢的女友:)
一人在外不容易，我記得我走前我媽丟給我的一句話就是“富貴不癲狂， 貧困不潦倒。”通俗的一點講就是再開心的日子不會天天， 而再困難的日子也不會長久，堅持一下就會挺過去了。而事實也的確證明了如此。媽媽的話同勉吧。
一向喜歡你的博克是應為喜歡你堅強獨立的性格，和國內許多嬌女孩不同。 記得你曾經寫過一句話，“一個人也要開開心心的活著。”這話給我這個男兒一個人在外麵闖蕩時都有所鼓勵。希望你能早日恢複狀態，從低穀裏走出來。
操，又寫成國內的周記的口吻了。。。保重
come on, its not that bad, David didnt break my heart or hurt my feelings, its just bad timing, I feel frustrated, but I fully understand, so move on, very simple.
and he is still my friend, we still hanging out for coffee or talk, its cool.
見下麵的一月前的評論,我真有預見性:
songwaimai 評論於：2007-04-05 13:12:11 [回複評論]
我沒把意思說清楚,我的意思是你該主動些,你自己該決定進或退.
jgey 評論於：2007-04-04 17:10:30 [回複評論]
那我得趕快準備件防彈衣什麽的。。。哈！
dont worry, I am not that fragile, 最多是有些遺憾，悵然，不會太嚴重的。I enjoy all this drama, the result doesnt matter much really.
songwaimai 評論於：2007-04-04 13:12:11 [回複評論]
看起來你獨立和有主見,但和DAVE的關係上你卻是被動的.你會被帶到某個地方,受不受傷你根本決定不了.
well, self-pitying? i would rather consider it emotional hole, up-down happens sometimes, you know, i am not fully stable in any sense :)
I appreciate your concerns.
If you want the best, you need to be the best. What do you have to offer to a good company or to a relationship? From what I see, all you have is the youth and maybe some cleverness. But it is really nothing in the long run. You are wasting your youthful time away getting involved with unworthy guys. Your English is good, but you are looking for technical jobs, isn't it? What do you have to offer to a good company?
I like it that you never wanted to sell yourself for money or easy life. But, you need to stop your self-pitying and do something. Of course,if you think you still got time,and you are prettier, smarter or luckier than other people,so you don't need to work hard, then forget what I said.