5/23 Tuesday

3am in the morning, I am depressed, cant sleep.

This is not one of my favorite days, lots of work, and not going well, cos of the horrible package conflict in develop environment. It took much more time than I thought, I was almost 2 days late behind the schedule, according to one of my jp coworkers, that moron. I hate the way he talking, almost wanted to pull him out from the phone, and punch him on the face. The conference call always being harsh time, I was trying so hard to hold myself from blowing cursing words, its depressing.

Afternoon, my friend George was talking to me online, trying to give me a lecture on how important for me to find a perfect husband now. George is on his 30s, has his own business, married, knows a few of friends who have good quality life. He says, I am young, pretty, and smart, life should come much more easily for me, and asks me to go down to LA, he wanna introduce his doctor friend to me, who is a church-going boy, might not be as wild as those guys I usually have fun with, but definitely would be a perfect husband and able to offer a qualified life. I was laughing at what he said at the moment, he sounded like my mum, but he was quite serious, and said, "girl, you are 26, your time is limited, guys always want young girls. When you still well qualified, go to get what you want, later just enjoy life, its time for you to settle down, marriage wouldnt change much, dont be so afraid." I know George still seeing other girls, even though he is married, and he supposes that his wife doesnt know. I asked with ironic attitude, "Do you think your wife is really happy?" "Yeah, of cos, she is happy, all she cares is the new fashion of LV bags," he said. But honestly, I didnt see the point of any happiness in this case, I wasnt sure if I would be happy with that kinda situation. I told George I would think over about his suggestion.

Later night, 9pm, Kei and I driving to dinner, in darkness with all lights outside, and a sad song from radio, I couldnt hold back my tears, I felt very tired. For the very first time, I started to doubt what I had been working on hard so far, its not only about work, but the life style, the thought, the pride...everything, maybe I was wrong, I should have made everything much easier. Kei sensed that I was in a very low mood, and tried to give me some advice on work, I appreciated it, but its not a simple work issue, I felt kinda disappointed about the current situation, and about myself. Stayed in office until 12 o'clock, on my way back to the hotel, I was thinking about George's words, maybe he's right, I should book a ticket to LA next time.

 

[G.C.]

why try another road when you know it's a dead end? of course nothing stops you from taking a scenic ride on a different road, just don't change direction because some bumps in your old road.

[jgey]

Its more like, I was on a wrong way, and lost directions. So before I go further and have no chance to turn back, maybe I should give a try to another way...just a thought.

[G.C.]

Wow, talking about an emotional rollercoaster, your mood went from upset to elated to depressed in just three posts. Come on, cheer up, you are just having a bad day. One of those days when everything pisses you off and nothing in your life is going right, or at least it feels that way. It’s at those weak moments when we are prone to bad decisions, for example, flying to another city in a foreign country to go on a blind date with a financially-secured Asian doctor who you know is boring. Somehow the word “stereotypical” is not enough to describe this situation. Don’t give into the temptation, don’t choose the easy way out, everything will be all right. A week later, or even a day later, you will read this post and laugh. It’s not easy being an independent woman, let along an “independent Chinese woman”, somehow those three words just don’t seem to belong together. But I think in one of your earlier post you once wrote something like this: I will live a happy life even if there’s nobody around me. Now that’s the jgey we know.