風華生日快樂！【囧囧有神】助興《小城畫師》by發飆 囧文by出世

折城北的花贈予城南的風華！風華生日快樂！年年十八！ 

我有歌但沒囧文，剛好出世同學發來友情讚助的囧文一篇要求搭車給活動助興（他有囧文卻沒有歌）。他也是英倫的小城畫師，就是折了城北的花贈錯了城南的她。

小城畫師  翻唱：發飆

紅塵客七七八 黃鸝嘰嘰喳 看小橋流水流到誰人家

聽琵琶咿咿呀 燕子密密麻 小城作畫又一輪冬夏

我折城北的花贈予城南的她 歎浮華不過一盞詩酒茶

我摘天外雲霞綰在伊人長發 描一彎月牙訴漫漫牽掛

 

納德的表白    文字：偶爾出世

 

海外求學那些年，有會錯的意，進錯的門，跨年晚會摸黑摟錯的肩膀，再到後來工作中把給 girl friend 的消息發去Slack；和客戶 zoom meeting 時私下和同事打字吐槽客戶的口音但是忘記自己正在share screen，看著所有人的臉生無可戀地變綠再一個個像非誠勿擾裏滅燈似的關掉了他們的攝像頭；參加同事的婚禮走錯了wedding hall 隻因為兩人 first name 一樣，等到我和賓客已經熟得恨不得拜天拜地才發現走出來的新郎我壓根不認識。。。

囧事如煙，酸甜苦辣鹹，some led you think, some made you stink, some brought you laughter, some reminded you of someone.  

就挑一個記憶還算深刻的囧事吧。時間倒退十幾年，回到那個純真年代，容我稍微費一點筆墨慢慢說來。

 

背景

讀書時候的好兄弟，是個 nerd，名 納德。 

納德的小甜心，名 艾美麗。

納德的妹妹也在同一學校，名 納英。性格乖張，是被她哥寵壞的主兒。

學校附近有一個 Riverbar Steakhouse & Grill, which was pretty much the go-to place for college kids to whisper sweet-nothings with their sweethearts or simply spend a gloomy afternoon.  The shop REALLY knew how to throw a party, especially the surprise party for young lovers.

 

風起

納德，as nerdy as a human possibly can be，在學校第五年終於認識了他的 sweetheart。納德愛到不行，準備趕在畢業季表白。我對於納德比戈壁還荒蕪的感情世界終於長出了一棵小草深感欣喜。於是策劃這場世紀表白的任務當仁不讓由我一手挑起。而 Riverbar 則是無二的選擇。

話說那天我先用自己的名義和艾美麗約定了幾天之後的時間。當天下午我去了餐廳，找到了熟識的經理，一番密謀，大功告成。主題主打 "浪漫"。  蛋糕，鮮花，confetti cannon 表白三大件一個也不能少。到時候三個服務生會隱蔽在餐廳的各處，隻要看見一個女生款款入座，然後我一舉手，他們就會如天神一般出現，把納德和艾美麗用三大件包圍起來。

"Let them drown in their love"，我和經理一邊 high five 一邊異口同聲地說。

回去的路上我想象著納德和艾美麗甜蜜的模樣，自己都先醉了。

 

雲湧

表白日那天有著英倫難得的好天氣。納德和我提前來到餐廳，經理和我默契地點頭，順著他努起的嘴唇，我隱約看見二樓loft，一樓的兩個房門處均有人影浮動，想必就是那埋伏下的驚喜。經理悄悄又提醒我行動暗號 "after the girl is seated, raise your hand, surprise will come."

納德緊張的看著我，我胸有成竹對他說 "everything goes as planned, pal, this is gonna be romantic, bloody romantic"。

趁著還有10來分鍾，我踱步出門去抽煙，迎麵卻碰上了麵色 grumpy 的納英。

"What are you doing here?" 我和納英同時發問。

"I had a bad day.  It's also my birthday, making that even worse"。 納英說完就要進門。In that fraction of a second, my heart sank even though I did not realize what could go wrong, or precisely, by how much.

納英奪門而入，一眼就看見了她哥。

"Hey, brother, why are you here? It's my birthday and I am all alone, don't you wanna buy me a cake or anything?" 

我趕緊向納德搖頭，and said to myself "oh dear God, do not let her sit, please do not".  Because 納德 did not know this was one of the signals that would trigger my perfect plan.

But, a nerd is a nerd。納德露出了他慈父一樣的笑容，讓納英坐下，說 "of course I remember your birthday, sis"

我抬頭往三處埋伏地點看去，我似乎看見了躍躍欲試的服務生馬上就要端著三大件衝了出來。如果熱鍋上真有螞蟻，在那個時刻我一定是最不幸的那一隻，因為。。。因為我舉起了手向他們擺了擺，僅僅是想讓他們稍安勿躁。

The action is ON.

 

花開

說時遲那時快，三個身穿華服精心打扮過的服務生踩著風火輪，在就餐客人的一片豔羨聲中出現在桌前。The timing could not be more accurate, exactly as planned.

猶如天宮賜福，三個服務生輪番掏出了法寶：

Waiter 1 – presented the cake to the table and said "this is the cake carefully chosen for you two".  Well, that's the cake I chose and I asked the cake maker to write "Today is about you" on the cake.

Waiter 2 – handed over the flower and said "this is the flower also carefully chosen for you". Well, that's the flower bouquet I chose for 艾美麗。

Waiter 3 – with the giant confetti cannon in hand and said "are you ready for the surprise? Let your party begin!" He then activated the confetti … Again, that's the confetti cannon I chose with my whole heart and half of 納德's saving.

Without hesitance, the confetti cannon set off a magnificent burst of mesmerizing streams. The explosion of color put up a dazzling and beautiful show. The pieces of confetti fluttered and swirled in the air in a lovely slow motion, reflecting the ambient light and creating such an elegant atmosphere. 

I had to admit that was romantic, bloody romantic as I promised.

納英和納德明顯被驚呆了，納德似乎意識到了這三大件是我為他和艾美麗安排的，however what you expect a nerd could do to fix this。納英則被感動到語無倫次，抓起了蛋糕糊在納德的臉上，當然也沒放過她自己。

第一次，麵對溫馨親情我卻心如死灰。

 

落英

納英還在興奮地繞著納德嬉戲，吃瓜群眾也群情激昂地把他倆圍在了C位。我下意識地往門口看去，艾美麗不知何時已經站在門口，一隻手扶著吧台似乎在抗衡她的體重，一隻手捂住了嘴巴，我想她的嘴一定成了O型；再回頭看場內，confetti pieces 正像四月的桃花兒一樣美麗炫目地綻放，旋轉著，慢慢繽紛落地。雖然我的大腦在飛速運轉思考著對策，可那依然阻止不了我想起了《葬花吟》-- "花謝花飛花滿天，紅消香斷有誰憐？"

我趕緊走上前，正待解釋，餐廳的經理不失時機地出現在吧台，笑意盈盈大聲說道："Isn't that romantic?  No lovebird leaves our shop disappointed !"

我奪路而逃。

 

餘香

轉眼經年，常因工作去往求學地，凡有可能則必與舊友相見。先是艾美麗和納德，後來多了小納德和小艾美麗。每每都會提及那個世紀表白。納德還分毫不差地記得當年我奪路而逃之後第一時間給他發的短信 "Tell your girl this is a sibling prank went haywire, deal with it pal, God bless".  我一直沒有追問納德後來到底是如何解釋的，a nerd is a nerd.

最後一次見到他們一家，隻有艾美麗和納德前來，舊日的默契裏被我看出了今日的異樣。納德開口說道："umm, we decided to let go of each other to find peace but we still are friends." 

What surprised me the most was, well, I was not surprised, perhaps in my heart I always thought only an angel would marry him but Emily was no angel, not even a fallen one. 

他倆在我麵前依然撒著不濃不淡的狗糧，如果我努力捕捉，還依稀看得見斑駁的愛戀。告別的時候和他倆擁抱，艾美麗在我耳邊說 "Thanks for planning that date for us."

可以不愛，未必相殺。感恩那場遇見，心底可留餘香。