My Little English Corner
A new accent is an adventure. Be bold! Exaggerate wildly!
老相好，I saw you beg for bricks in the forum earlier this week. This time, instead of giving you bricks, maybe I can share with you how to “fish for” bricks. I want to teach you how to churn out eyeball-catching, brick-drawing and rotten-egg-attracting essays like me. Haha, that sounds pretty arrogant. In a more humble way of saying it: here are my two cents (or three cents? Haha):
Time your posting
Properly time your post. In real estate, they say “location, location, location!”. Here in the forum, I would say “Timing, timing, timing!”. My observation is that the best time to post your writing is on workday afternoons (Pacific Time) when most of the forum-goers are not busting asses(if they ever do) at work. But don’t go too late into the night, because you would miss early sleepers like my Sis NewVoice. During the weekends, timing is not so crucial. The worst time I can think of is 1am, Monday morning, that’s when you posted your writing. Imagine you were your reader who, after an exhausting weekend, maybe with a hangover, or maybe after struggling with Hurricane Irene, wakes up in the morning, scans through the forum while eating breakfast, or sits down at his/her office desk, only to find your long essay to pick grammatical errors from. Would you want to work on it first thing in the morning? Would that be his/her top priority of the week? No. 老相好，as much as I love you, I am not going to risk getting laid reading your essay and missing my Monday one-on-one with my manager! (“off” is omitted intentionally. Haha).
Inspire, offend and provoke.
Think of something that interests your reader. Be opinionated. Carpediem’s writing on the train wreck, for example, was a powerful piece because it has a strong viewpoint that resonates with many overseas Chinese. You don’t have to really agree with what you write, if it is just a writing practice. Again, 老相好, in addition to writing your favorite hangouts which I (probably many others, too) already know of, maybe mention something controversial, to name a few: how social media websites are influencing the teenagers, are they good or bad? Is google making us more stupid? Squeeze in a little humor to make it entertaining. I know you can do it because you’re so funny in Chinese. Be arrogant, show off and offend, that way, people could get annoyed by your attitude and throw bricks at you.
Respond, acknowledge and defend.
Consider it a football game to write an essay and post it in the forum. After you receive the bricks, acknowledge them, or better yet, update your original essay if they are legit bricks, to avoid overlapping bricks among different brick-givers. If you don’t agree with the bricks, defend your writing. I remember in A Free Life, someone said, writing is a matter of life and death. Of course, we don’t go THAT far. But if you have given some serious thoughts to your writing, you should defend it. This is the part that gets a little hairy. But I believe, as we are here to learn, our subject matter is the language per se, not personal attack, or other ugly stuff. So, don’t shy away from confrontation. You have all the time of the world, maybe even pick up a fight with someone that equals your level, that way, you get to know the person better and even become good friends, like Lilac and me. Again, just make it interesting. Truth be told, I am not interested in just throwing bricks and not learning anything new myself. If you just accept my bricks, I will soon lose interest in throwing them at you because I don’t get anything in return.
Anyway, I have made my point: put yourself in your readers’ shoes and write things that will interest them, either please them or annoy them. Have your own persona. Just don’t be bland. Spice it up, lighten up and have fun writing!
I hope I haven’t lost you in my clearly-structured 五股文. I hope I have successfully demonstrated how to be arrogant and annoying, therefore have successfully offended you and other readers. Now, I am going to post it in the afternoon with a good timing and I am ready to defend it. Guys, throw your bricks at me! I know how much joy you get picking up on me.
