1. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurting you. But it’s still on the list.
3. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
4. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
5. War doest not determine who is right—only who is left.
6. I asked God for a bike, but I know God does not work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening.” And then proceed to tell you why it is not.
9. To steal idea from one person is plagiarism. To steal form many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops, my desk is a work station.
11. How it is one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just wanted paychecks.
13. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “In an emergency, notify:” I put “ A DOCTOR.”
14. I did not say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
15. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
16. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
17. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
18. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
19. I used to be indecisive, now I am not sure.
20. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon and a shot of tequila.
21. You are never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
