Kramer vs Kramer French Toast

BILLY
When is mommy coming back?

TED
(lying)
Soon.  Very soon.

By now they are inside the kitchen, Ted looks around.


27    HIS P.O.V.: There, on the kitchen cabinet is a
box of "natural grain" cereal, a jar of honey, some
wheat germ, and a banana, with carefully written
instructions from Joanna underneath.

ON TED--He takes one look at the note, crumples it
up and tosses it in the wastebasket.

TED
(the camp counselor)
I'll tell you what, kiddo--why
don't I fix us some French toast?

BILLY
(impressed)
Wow!  French toast, really?

TED
(the camp counselor)
Sure.  Didn't I ever tell you
French toast was my specialty?
I'll bet I never told you that.
Now then, the first thing we
need is...
(trying desperately
to remember)
... eggs!  Right?

Billy nods.  Ted opens the refrigerator and takes some
eggs.

TED
This is terrific ... isn't this
terrific?

As Ted begins the process of making French toast, it
soon becomes obvious that he has no idea of what he is
doing.  What follows is a symphony in incompetence on
Ted's part.  He breaks the eggs into a bowl and ends up
with most of the shell mixed up with the egg.  Then he
takes a piece of bread and drops it into bowl.

TED
(saying it will
make it so)
I'm having a good time...Are you
having a good time?

ON BILLY--watching all of this with increasing
apprehension.

BILLY
You forgot the milk.

TED
(still the camp
counselor)
That's right.  You're absolutely
right...It's been a long time
since I made French toast.

Ted takes a container of milk, pours it into the bowl
so that it is filled to the brim.  Then he sloshes the
bread around until it is half-dissolved.

TED
Look at this, isn't this
something?!

He lops off a huge hunk of butter, drops it into an
omelet pan and turns up the flame.

ON BILLY--watching.  He looks as though he is about to
throw up.

BILLY
What about my orange juice?

TED
(the counterman)
Right.  One O.J. coming up.

He opens the refrigerator and starts to get the orange
juice.  As he does, black smoke begins to billow
ominously from the frying pan.

BILLY
(scared)
Daddy!!!

Ted turns, spots the smoke.

TED
Don't worry.. .Everything's

fine...

He lunges for the handle of the frying pan, which by
now is very hot.  He grabs it, lets out a howl of pain
and the whole mess, frying pan, butter, bread, goes
crashing to the floor.

CLOSE ON TED--Suddenly all the rage comes pouring out.

TED
Goddam! Son of a bitch!

 
  REACTION, BILLY--terrified.

WIDE SHOT--as Ted kneels down and begins to clean up
the mess.

TED
(to himself as much as
to Billy)
It's okay.  It's gonna be okay...
Everything's going to be all
right.