黃毛和俺的 瘋花謔月

最無恥的吃薯片者

老公的口號是減肥，俺的口號是增肥，老公對於薯片這種減肥大敵，向來嗤之以鼻，但是一旦有殺敵之心必然全殲。一日，俺看電視無味，找來薯片，哢哢哢，津津有味嗯……哢哢哢……。獨吞畢竟不是俺的作風，老公要不要？老公無視，且，德行！不一會老公悄悄伸出手，堅定而不屑的說，就一片。俺投以鄙視的目光。哢哢，一片殲滅。然後很自然的又伸過手來，撞上我火力強大的輕蔑而鄙視的目光，老公到理直氣壯，無恥的一揚臉，舉著第二片薯片指著茶幾上他的腳說，我是說一隻腳一片！別擔心老公，俺算你四隻好了！

隻捉弄我愛的人一

老公的一句名言就是 je n'embetais les gens que j'aime. 隻捉弄我愛的人。就是說他不愛的人才懶得去使壞呢。他作弄俺最多的是嚇唬俺。俺在車裏聚精會神地看書或發呆，他在外麵突然臉貼玻璃做鬼臉大聲吼叫。得逞了就開心的像個孩子。

有一次他的襪子破了個洞讓俺看，俺湊過去看，他就把他的破襪子往俺臉上一掃，俺氣的一把奪過襪子按在他嘴上。之後是一場混戰。他和俺鬧到是舍得力氣，好在俺小時候練過，還能和他支把幾個回合，到後來他幹脆把俺扛起來摔到沙發上，俺隻好用計謀了。發出殺豬般的嚎叫，"好痛啊！！！" 老公馬上慌掉，傻傻道歉，"pardon laopo，je suis désolé. " 從野獸變成紳士。真管用，俺忍著笑繼續裝，很嚴肅的訓斥他。看他白癡的樣子終於忍不住爆笑。老公回過神兒，又要反撲，俺馬上發嗲，"老公真的很痛啊。" 老公當時咽下了這口氣，說 "好, 我把襪子扔掉，睡覺了。" 俺在浴室又墨跡了會，也上了樓。剛進門，老公溫存的說，快上床。咦，不符合他一貫作風啊，是不是還心有愧意啊。俺的床阿，俺沒想太多就撲了過去。剛把燈關掉，一個黑影以迅雷不及掩耳之勢捂住了俺的嘴。天殺的，他的臭襪子！俺搬開他的手，搶襪子搶不到，一個轉身，把腳丫子放在他臉上，我踩我踩踩踩，他右手搬開俺的腳，把他的腳也往俺臉上放。俺躲，去擱肌他好放開俺的腳，然後彈他的腦嘣。他一手又抓住俺的手，一邊趁機擱肌俺。兩個人一邊紐成一團一邊笑得喘不過氣兒來。他倆個手抓住俺的手，然後用一隻手: 俺又是笑又是紐來扭去，徹底沒勁兒了，又想起那招，"老公痛死了。" 他倒是變聰明了"你裝的!" 但是手勁明顯鬆了很多，控製在俺掙不脫的力道。俺正躺在他身上一回頭用我的絕門武器，口水和舌頭去舔他的臉，俺惡心死你。他被激到，猛一翻身把俺亞在他身下。俺兩手上舉被他的爪子死死鉗著，腿也被他的腿壓得快不過血了，徹底連招架的士氣都沒了。他露出崢嶸的麵容，伸出美國大牛排似的舌頭在俺臉上狂掃。剛才洗臉都沒洗這麽徹底啊，啊惡心死俺啦。嗚嗚嗚

隻捉弄我愛的人二

半夜起夜，做夢都是馬桶像床一樣的，怕弄醒他，沒開燈，下床，下樓，路過廚房，看著窗外黑壓壓背後有點冒涼氣，進了洗手間。爽了。打開洗手間的門，關燈，出來，迷迷糊糊向前，向前。突然感到一隻手抓住了俺的小腿，鬼！小偷！頓覺氣衝百會，恐具遍布全身直達頭皮，爆發出慘絕人寰的叫聲啊！！！ 小腿一個反射一蹦三尺高。然後就聽到他那得意而且相當滿意的哈哈大笑。俺仍驚魂未定，那個挨千刀的！！！！他居然半夜跟我起來下樓, 然後貓在冰箱後麵嚇唬俺！！！

變成中國人

我拆掉唐裝上的一條黑色毛毛領，突發奇想，死磨硬泡盤在老公的黃毛上拍了幾張照片，得給我媽寄去看看你變成中國人的樣子啊，哈哈。欺負夠老公，然後去泡澡做麵膜，出來懶懶的靠在老公身上看電視。把那條黑毛毛忘得一幹二淨。突然老公很認真地說，我發現這段時間吃大米吃中餐，我的毛發變黑了。且，哪有。真的，不信你看看，他指了指小褲褲。我當然堅信那是不可能的，卻鬼使神差的冒出好奇心，拉開他的小褲褲，探過頭去。“啊！怎麽真變黑啦“ 我大腦一時休克竟然沒反應過來著實被嚇了一跳，他拉出黑毛毛哈哈大笑到沒氣！狂懊悔自己好豬頭啊！！

光頭老公

同學看到老公bloc上的照片，親切友好的讚到，你老公很酷啊，光頭啊。嗯！? 好好看看黃毛短寸，前麵中間是個發尖，兩邊比較禿但因為是油性皮膚所以常年鋥光瓦亮，他又挺胸昂頭，難怪不小心看成個禿子。老公曾難過得跟我說，他妹妹發現他前麵兩邊的頭發越來越少了。我安慰他說，是啊像個小兔子尾巴啦，沒關係咱把這點掉光安個假辮子就直接可以當清朝人啦。

飛行員老公

洗完澡換好睡衣，我窩回沙發看電視，老公還不出來，一會聽到他用奇怪的聲音叫我 老婆。

一回頭竟然看到他把我白天穿的棕色絲襪套在頭上，兩個絲襪筒在他耳朵邊耷拉下來，像兩個辮子，一副小醜模樣。看的我又好氣又好笑。命令他趕快拿掉。他到聽話，乖乖跑回浴室，不一會又出來，這回竟然把我的黑色海綿bra戴在他套著絲襪的頭上，在下巴底下剛好扣好掛鉤！頭套著絲襪，bra的老公神情莊重的挺胸抬頭正走過來，一個高抬腿立正，行反手軍禮，Madame 我是飛行員dom為您服務！ 暈

我要跟你媽媽告狀

我的老公細心的像個女人，而且會碎碎念。而我馬虎的像個男人，最討厭別人的嘮叨。好，我早上打開的窗戶沒有關，上床之前被老公發現了，抓到現行。

“我不喜歡這樣，你應該把窗戶關上，這樣浪費暖氣，浪費電……” 嘚嘚嘚然後又來一遍。我心裏好氣，氣得好笑，索性就咯咯的笑了起來。他更氣鼓鼓的“我不覺得這有什麽好笑，你應該把窗戶關上…… ”嘚嘚的 天啊 更覺得好笑了。我說 “老公阿窗戶沒關而已啊 值得生這麽大的氣嗎? 我就沒關了，怎麽啦，你要把我殺了嗎？告訴你我就這樣，我不是故意的，但是我一輩子都是這樣的，如果你為這點小事生氣，這輩子你氣不過來的。這麽點小事，看你沒完沒了地，可真是個大男人，小心眼！” 老公被偶嗆得半天沒說出來話，也嗆得沒了脾氣最後委屈的說 “我就是中文不好，我要跟你媽媽告狀，說你長個毒舌頭。我說不過你。” 哈哈心裏想老公砸這麽白癡的可愛泥。嘴上趁熱打火“有能耐你就說好中文告狀去，我看得等十年以後了。”

Chose first name

Lao gong send me a website, there is a list of chinese first names for girl. He was very exciting and told me that we could find a name for our baby here! He don't know chinese certainly but there is pinyin and explication. So he chosed severals names seriously and showed me : huiying "like my ante's generation", lin yao "perfect jade, not bad but after his pronciation yao1, so weird" , xiao hong " o non vulgar!" and then he gave me the lien to the website for boy, there is only    so called pinyin and then he chosed one, Guan Ti,關帝 i cannot guess out what is the meaning. And then he told me "he is a god, in charge of security." and he send me his pic!!! Ooooo my god, he want to call his son Guan gong關公!    "Hahahhaa lao gong, it is tooo early to chose the name for baby, i am not in pregenant and we are not marry yet! I will tell our baby that his parents were soooo crazy to do that for him! But lao gong YOU ARE SO CUTE!!!

Jinshihou

One day we watched TV together, and he said "see, the portuguese man, they have too much chest hairs, you know we called them monkey." "Heng! For our chinese, you are the monkey!" He looked not very happy. "lao gong, you are JIN SHI HOU, monkey with golden furs!" "No, I am not a monkey!" "Jin shi hou, it is our national treasure. We love them very much and we do lots of works to protect them. Wait!" I fond some photos from internet and showed to him, frankly those photos really shocked me that Jinshihou is such a beautiful animal! Golden almost orange color furs, big round eyes and their cheek is sky blue!! "Woaww, It is beautiful, like me!!!" So after that he is happy to hear that i called him my jinshihou as his chinese signe is monkey also! And he called me little pig because i am always sleepy when i with him.

Take photo

I told lao gong that Yann (a french guy) was welcomed warmly by chinese people when he visited china, many people asked him to have a photo with. He said proudly" I will ask money for taking the photo with me when i am in china." I gave a blow upon him "o non! If you are in the nude perhaps! I could sale the ticket for you!" " I can!! I am HOU the monkey with golden furs and with the blue eyes!!!" Hahahha I have no words!!

Break air

His mother told me that this afternoon throught SKYPe, they visited a water cave and as habitude lao gong made a stupid mistake when they were in the boat. Lao gong broke his mother and told me "When you make that stupid mistake, i replied with Hi! " "Oh non that is me said HI often to you! Oooo you did it! It is too louder? hahaha" His mother sais "No yan, on contract, ahh that smells terrible!!!" "HAAAAAHAA!!" I can imagie that everyone have to stay in the boat for tolering and laughing at him. Lao gong embarrassed and was serious intentionally "In fact, that was my mother who broke wind." That is the chance to give him a lessons "O NON, i dont believe you, you often do that when we are at home!!!" "hahhahha" happy laughing from his mother.

Littel red enveloppe

During the spring festival, we were shopping in the china town. He fond the small red enveloppe and asked me "what is this pretty enveloppe for? " "That is for Children, we put paper money inside and give it to chidren for bring good luke." "I would like to buy it for you!" He thinks always that I am a child! But if he gives money to me that is not bad hehhehe..... But then i saw him chose a bunch of fake chinese paper money from the goods shelf and cried to me "Do you like this one,lao po?" !!! "NO no no lao gong, that is for dead person!!" Faint!!!!

Speak chinese

I asked lao gong speak chinese to my mother throught telephone. I teached him "wo shi huang mao, da bi zhi 我是黃毛大鼻子" = i am with yellow hair and big nose. He repeated several times and said to my mother carefully. Then i asked my mother "Do you understand?" "Da bi zhi, yes understand, but why he said that he is a striate cat (hua mao花貓)?" fainted by laughts.

Lao gong is proud to learn a little chinese by himself, one day he told me "lao po, I know what should i say to your parents in chinese!" "Really?" Then with his 2kg tongue, "To your father i will say: Wo men he yi bei ba (let's have a drink)!" hehe he caters to my father's liking. "To your mother i will say:Hao chi ji li (Delicious)!" hahaha bootlicker!!

Ask me sth

Lao gong told me that he bought a gold bracele for my birthday. I was so surprise for its expensive price. So I wrote a email to hint to him: when you give it to me you may ask me sth and i could reply you sth! He replyed: oh yes I should ask you sth, ok could you cook red meat for Friday dinner, emmmm and then washe the dishes, wash the clothes, clean the house and iron clothes mmmm lao po i don't know that i asked engough or not?    I was angry and replied him: Foxy stupid!! LL had refused his boyfriends severals times but i had never been asked!! 5555555555    "Don't worry laopo, i will ask you one day!" said by him when he put it on my wrist with romantice music and candles.

Beat et be beaten

"lao gong, you know LL asked the password of his boyfriend's email, and he gave it to her at once!"

"I will tell her bf that he should not do that! Hayaya you chinese girl!!"

"Hah! That is not me, i dont care you will connect with other girls or not, you are so ugly! Anyway, He is glad to give it to LL. In chinese that is called one loves beat and another loves be beaten!"

"I will not ask your password neither because you are ugly also! And I love beat!!!"

"Me too!!! We should practice Gongfu then!"

"Hahahaha Yes!!"

China fans

Lao gong want to change his garden, he discussed a plan with his best friend JP a professional man in this field. Then I told him that I would like to have a moon gate for entering the garden, and the bamboo beside the moon gate. And separate the garden into 2 parts, one part for planting Chinese vegetables. As a china fans, lao gong was exiting to tell JP this new plan. The second day, lao gong received a message from JP " How does a white man turn into a yellow man?!" Lao gong replied him "Like me!"

Fragile gift

Lao gong's daughter is 4 years old. She is very cute and smart. Back form the holiday, lao gong brought me 2 gifts from him- a clothes and from his mother -a bone head ornaments. When only his daughter and I get together, his daughter took the 2 gifts and asked me "Do you like your gifts? One is papa, the other is mine, it is with bone it is fragile, you should be careful with it." Bang! "Her" gift dropped on the floor from her small hand. "Haahh be careful, my dear!" i said. She found that it was not broken and took it up and said to me "ohh, you know it is very sturdy. see" then she knocked the floor again and the table and the wall with "her" "fragile gift".

Difference between Japanese and chinese

In the party with Lao gong's friends, we talked about the difference between Japanses and chinese, lao gong said "it is easy, Japanese takes always their hat of hunting fish. And they are always small but you never know what are they thinking about!"

淒婉的屁

老公來看我﹐我借了朋友的房子。去一個朋友家吃飯，回來已經半夜1點了﹐下了車﹐他到後備箱拿行李﹐我的包包裝了電腦和書特沉﹐我賴他給我拿﹐他不肯﹐說﹕自己拿自己的東西. 我就硬塞到他手裏﹕誰讓你是男人﹐你肌肉比我發達﹗他就說﹕歐洲的女人都是自己拿. 我得意的說﹕我不是歐洲女人﹐活該你找我了﹐你就得拿﹗然後蹦蹦跳跳到他前麵走﹐他拎著我的包開始沉默抗議. 夜深人靜﹐突然一個悽怨的屁聲打破了寧靜. 我故作平靜的回頭說﹕我知道啦﹐你說你生氣啦﹗他被我氣得笑著掄起包追打我. 跑到了門口﹐我求饒﹕老公﹐以後不敢氣的你放屁了﹗ 他又惱又氣又忍不住笑﹐一把拽過我狂吻﹗﹗﹗