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1 你現在能聽到我嗎?/Can you hear me now?
(This one is provided by womaninhome. Thanks womaninhome！)
An old lady had a hearing-aid fitted, hidden underneath her hair. A week later she returned to the doctor for her check-up.
"It's wonderful，I can hear everything now." She reported very happily to the doctor.
"And is your family pleased, too?" asked the doctor.
"Oh, I have not told them yet," said the old lady, "And I have changed my will twice already."
一位老太太裝了一個助聽器，隱藏在她的頭發下麵。 一周後，她回到醫生那裏做檢查。
“太棒了，我現在可以聽到一切了。”她高興地向醫生報告。
“你的家人也很高興嗎？”醫生問。
“哦，我還沒有告訴他們，”老太太說，“我已經改了我的遺囑兩回了。”
2 三聲口哨/Three Whistles
I promised my girlfriend a gold necklace for her birthday, but when the jeweler quoted a price for one we liked, I let out a long, low whistle.
"And how much are they then? "I asked, pointing to another tray.
"You, sir, "replied the jeweler, "about three whistles."
我答應過我的女朋友過生日時送她一條金項鏈。可是當珠寶商報出我們看中的那條項鏈的價格時，我低低地打了個長口哨。
“那這條項鏈多少錢呢?”我指著另一個盤子裏的項鏈問。
“先生，對你來說，”珠寶商答道，“大約值三聲口哨。”
3 早報/Morning Paper
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night, she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?"
"Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously.
Deadpanned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car."
母親和父親剛剛給了他們十幾歲的女兒開家庭汽車的權力。星期六晚上，她很晚從一個聚會回到家裏。
第二天早上，她的父親出門走到車道上拿報紙，皺起眉頭回到家裏。
上午11:30，女孩睡眼惺忪地走進廚房，她父親問她：“親愛的，你昨天晚上什麽時候回來的？”
“不是太晚，爸爸。”她緊張地回答。
她的父親麵無表情地說，“那麽，我的寶貝，我必須和送報人談談把我的報紙放在汽車的前輪下的事。”
4 醉酒測試
A man is driving home, when he is pulled over by a patrolman for a broken blinker. The cop looks into the guys’ car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.
“Sir,” the cop says. “Why do you have all those knives?”
“They’re for my juggling act,” the man says.
“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the man gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives. At the same time, a car with two guys in it drives by.
“Man,” says the first guy. “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”
一個男人正在開車回家時，因一個壞的指示燈他被一名巡警攔住了。 警察看了看那人的車裏，看到後座上有一堆刀具。
“先生，”警察說。 “你為什麽有這些刀？”
“他們是用來表演雜耍的。”男人說。
“我不相信，”警察說。“證明一下。”於是這個男人下了車，開始耍刀子。 同時，坐著兩個人的一輛汽車經過。
“夥計，”第一個人說，“我很高興我戒酒了。 這些新的清醒測試很難啊。”
5 婚姻谘詢/Marital counseling
A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
一對夫妻在結婚20年後前來谘詢。當被問到是什麽問題時，太太便充滿激情，痛苦地長篇大論地列出了他們結婚20年中的每個問題。
她不停地說啊說：忽視、缺少親密、空虛、孤獨，覺得沒人愛和不可愛，一整個的在他們的婚姻中她忍受的未滿足她需求的流水賬。
最後，在允許她講了足夠長的時間後，治療師站了起來，繞過桌子，請妻子站起來，他在丈夫揚著眉的注視下熱情地擁抱並親吻了她。那女人閉上了嘴，靜靜地坐著，好像在發呆。
治療師轉向丈夫說：“這是你妻子每周至少需要三次的。你能做到嗎？“
丈夫想了一會兒，回答說：“好吧，我可以在星期一和星期三把她送到這裏，但星期五我去釣魚。”
6 老年失憶症/ Senior Moment
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
They were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money--and it's fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knock on the door. "Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"
Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning."
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . . "
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
沒有人相信老年人。 。 。每個人都認為他們是老糊塗。
他們慶祝六十周年。這對夫婦因青梅竹馬結婚，退休後又搬回了他們的老鄰裏。
手牽著手他們回到他們的老學校。學校沒有鎖門，所以他們走了進去，找到他們共享的舊桌子，安迪在那裏刻著，“我愛你，薩莉”。
在回家的路上，一袋錢從一輛裝甲車上掉下來，幾乎落到了他們的腳下。莎莉很快撿起來，但不知道該怎麽辦，他們把它帶回家。在那裏，她數了錢 – 那是五萬美元。
安迪說：“我們必須送回去。”
薩莉說，“誰撿到就是誰的。”她將錢放回袋子裏，藏在閣樓上。
第二天，兩名聯邦調查局的人在居民區調查尋找錢，敲了門。 “對不起，你們兩個昨天有沒有發現一個從裝甲車裏掉出來的袋子？”
莎莉說，“沒有。”
安迪說：“她在撒謊，她把它藏在閣樓裏。”
薩莉說：“不要相信他，他已經老了。”
特工們轉向安迪並開始質疑他。一個說：“從頭給我們講講這個故事。”
安迪說：“嗯，當莎莉和我昨天從學校回家的時候......”
第一個聯邦調查局的人轉向他的夥伴說：“我們走吧。”
婉妮好！也祝你節日快樂！
夢兒好！真是聰明的老太太：）
夢兒，新周快樂！
花甲老翁好！新周快樂！
橄欖樹好，喝酒真的不能開車。
橄欖樹，新周快樂！
盒子好！新周快樂！
水沫好！很高興你喜歡，好喜歡你的影評：）
水沫，周末快樂！
蓮蓮好！嗯，估計夠嗆啊：）
蓮蓮，周末快樂！
圓圓好！是啊，這醉酒測試，真是太難了~~~
圓圓，周末快樂！
東東好！是啊，非常精明的老太太：）
東東，周末快樂！
菲兒好！笑一笑，頭就不痛了：）
菲兒，周末快樂！
Blue-Crab好！很高興你喜歡，周末快樂！
小婷好！就怕他真沒那麽多的錢啊：）
小婷，周末快樂！
哈哈，小小好！祝你走運啊：）
小小，周末快樂！
鬆鬆周末快樂！
醉酒測試畫麵感很強啊，very funny!
歡樂鬆周末快樂！
鬆鬆周末快樂！
還有家家的，也好玩！
鬆鬆周末快樂，我們也一起開開心！正好頭疼需要笑：）
周末愉快，鬆鬆！
鬆鬆周末快樂！
健康好！#1讓我想起以前看過的故事，有人以為外國人不懂中國話，就隨意評價人家，後來發現人家都聽懂了，好尷尬。所以說話要小心哈，別以為別人聽不到或聽不懂：）嗯，價格可以由口哨的多少決定，早報的位置告訴回家的時間，而誤會的測試確實搞笑：）
健康，周末快樂！
點點好！嗯，裝聾的好處是知道了一些真實的想法。吹口哨是個好辦法哈，婚姻的話題真是說不完：）
點點，周末快樂！
給沙發上的家家上茶：）
謝謝熱心的家家提供笑話。嗯，我也喜歡那個智慧的爸爸和誤會的醉酒測試：）
家家，周末快樂！