南山鬆
陽光明媚清風起，微波蕩漾碧藍天。
1 魔鬼的血/The Blood of the Devil
Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day，enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is the blood of the devil!”
Now Arthur gets annoyed about this，and goes on the offensive. "How do you know Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so.”
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don’t be ridiculous，of course I have never taken alcohol myself.”
"Then let me buy you a drink，if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life.”
"How could I，a Nun，sit outside this public house drinking?!”
"I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you , then no one will know.”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a vodka,” then he lowers his voice and says to the barman，"and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It’s not that bloody Nun again，is it?"
一天，亞瑟正坐在當地酒吧的外麵，享受著啤酒的美味，逍遙自得。這時一個修女突然出現在他的桌前，開始譴責飲酒所帶來的罪惡。
“年輕人。你應該為你自己而感到恥辱!喝酒是一種罪過!酒精就像是魔鬼的鮮血!”
這時亞瑟感到有些厭煩就開始辯解:“大姐你是怎麽知道的?”
“我們修道院的院長這麽告訴我的。”
“但是你自己從來沒有喝過，你怎麽就知道你說的是正確的呢?”
“別開玩笑了，我自己當然沒有沾過酒了。”
“那麽我請你喝一杯吧。如果你嚐過之後還是那麽認為，我就一生不再飲酒。”
“我，一個修女，怎麽能這樣做?坐在酒吧外麵喝酒?!”
“我會叫服務員把酒倒在茶杯裏的，沒有人會知道。”
那個修女極其不情願地同意了。然後亞瑟走進了酒吧。
“再給我來一杯啤酒和一杯伏特加”，他壓低他的嗓音對服務員說，“你能不能把伏特加酒倒在一個茶杯裏?”
“噢，天哪!是不是那個‘魔鬼之血’的修女又來騙酒喝了?”
2 講出故事的結尾
The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city. When she returned，her little boy greeted her by saying, "Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and Daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and them…”
Sonny’s mother held up his hand. "Not another word. Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me. " The father came home. As he walked into the house，his wife said，"I' m leaving you. I' m packing now and I' m leaving you.”
"But why--"asked the startled father.
"Go ahead，Sonny. Tell Daddy just what you told me.”
"Well, " Sonny said，"I was playing in your bedroom closet and Daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and then they did just what you did with Uncle John when Daddy was away last summer."
一個女人離開家兩天，到另一個城市去看望一個生病的朋友。當她回來的時候，她的小兒子見到她就說:“媽媽，你猜怎麽著?昨天我在你臥室的衣櫃裏玩，爸爸和隔壁的阿姨走進了臥室，他們脫了衣服上了你的床……”
小家夥的媽媽抓住他的手說:“不要講了，等到你爸爸回家了，你就把和我講的全部講給他聽。”孩子的爸爸回來了。當他走近房間的時候他的妻子說:“我要離開你。我現在就收拾行李，我要走了。”
“但是，這是為什麽?”父親吃驚地問。
“講給他聽，兒子，把你告訴我的講給他聽聽。”
“好吧，”那個小家夥說，“我正在你臥室的衣櫃裏玩的時候，爸爸和隔壁的阿姨上樓來，然後他們脫了衣服上了床。然後，他們就像是去年夏天爸爸不在家時你和約翰叔叔一樣。”
3 上天堂還是下地獄
Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to look around first, and to their surprise, it was. First, they went to Heaven. All nice guys were there, dressed in white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought our heroes.
"Let' s go to Hell，”they said to each other.
Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars, casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of people having a real good time. Back from Hell，the guys were asked to choose between Heaven and Hell. They both chose Hell.
Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a subsurface car and driven to a coalmine. Someone gave them a shovel each and told them to start working.
"What' s this? The last time we were here the place was entirely different. "
"Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants. "
兩個家夥死了之後，被允許選擇是願意呆在天堂還是地獄。他們提出能否到兩個地方先觀光一下，他們被允許了。首先他們來到了天堂。這裏都是穿著白衣服看上去很正派的人，他們坐在白雲上彈奏著豎琴。他們想:這是個多無聊的地方呀。
“讓我們下地獄吧，”他們互相商量著。
他們來到了地獄，這裏簡直是一番完全不同的景色。那裏有酒吧、賭場和遊樂園。每個人都可以免費喝酒，所有的人都享受著他們真正的快樂時光。當他們從地獄回來以後，他們不得不在天堂和地獄之間做出選擇。最後，他們都選擇了下地獄。
回到了地獄之後，他們立即被送進了一輛礦井車的後座，然後駛向了一個煤礦井。有人給他們每人一個鏟子，叫他們開始工作。
“這是怎麽回事?上次我們在這裏的時候完全不是這樣的。”
“是的，但是那時你們是遊客，現在你們是移民。”
4 童話故事/Fairy tale
After watching the movie Cinderella, my five-year-old daughter started using her pinwheel as a magic wand, pretending she was fairy godmother. "Make three wishes." She told me, "and I'll grant them." I first asked world peace. She swung her wand and proclaimed my request fulfilled. My next wish was to cure all the sick children. Again, with a sweep of the pinwheel, she obliged. Since I am a somewhat large woman, my third wish was not a surprise. "I wish to have a trim figure again," I announced. My 'fairy godmother' started waving her wand madly. "I'll need more power for this!" she exclaimed.
看了《灰姑娘》的電影後，我那5歲的女兒開始用玩具風車當魔棍，扮演起童話中的教母來。“許下三個願望吧，”她對我說：“我會讓你如願以償的。” 我先是許下了世界和平的願望，她搖晃著魔棍，然後對我說祈求如願了。 我的下一個願望是讓所有生病的兒童都康複，她像上次那樣搖晃著魔棍，然後讓我說出最後一個願望。因為我現在發了福，所以我的第三個願望也是不足為奇的。“我希望我能重新有個苗條的身材。” 我那童話教母開始用力的搖晃著她的魔術棍，嘴上還振振有詞地說：“要想實現這個願望我需要更大的魔力。”
5 你會怎麽辦？
Son： Mum, if someone broke your best vase, what would you do?
Mum： I'd spank him and send him to bed without any supper!
Son： Well, you' d better get the slipper. Dad's just broken it!
兒子：媽媽，如果有人打碎了你最好的花瓶，你會怎麽辦?
媽媽：我要揍他，還不讓他吃晚飯就去睡覺!
兒子：好了，你準備好拖鞋吧，爸爸剛把那隻花瓶摔碎了。
6 真正的算命先生/A Real Fortune-teller
While Milgrom waited at the airport to board his plane, he noticed a computer scale that would give your weight and a fortune.
He dropped a quarter in the slot, and the computer screen displayed: "You weigh 195 pounds, you're married and you're on your way to San Diego." Milgrom stood there dumbfounded.
Another man put in a quarter and the computer read："You weigh 184 pounds, you're divorced and you're on your way to Chicago."
Milgrom was amazed. Then he rushed to the men's room, changed his clothes and put on dark glasses. He went to the machine again. The computer read: "You still weigh 195 pounds, you're still married, and you just missed your plane to San Diego!"
米爾格魯姆在機場等待登機的時候，注意到了一個電腦秤，它既能稱體重又能算命。
他把一個兩毛五的硬幣丟進電腦秤的一個小孔裏，電腦屏幕上顯示出這樣一行字：“你的體重是195磅，你已經結婚，你將要去往聖地亞哥。”米爾格魯姆頓時站在那裏發起了愣。
又有一個人過來了， 他也把硬幣丟進電腦秤裏，屏幕上顯示：“你的體重是184磅，你已經離婚了，你將要去往芝加哥。”
米爾格魯姆很是驚訝。於是，他衝進洗手間，換了一套衣服，戴上了墨鏡，又一次走到電腦稱前。這次屏幕上顯示：“你的體重依然是195磅，你依然是個結了婚的人。隻是你剛剛錯過飛往聖地亞哥的飛機。”
問好花甲老翁，不用謝，新周快樂！
哈哈，石美眉好！我也想知道最後結果怎樣了~~~
石美眉，周中快樂！
婉妮好！如果能讓你開心，我真高興：）
婉妮，周中快樂！
小婷好！歡迎常來樂呀：）
小婷，新周快樂！
山韭菜好！聽你這樣說真高興：）
山韭菜，新周快樂！
夢兒好！很高興你喜歡：）
夢兒，新周快樂！
問好菲兒，新周快樂！
橄欖樹好！修女的清修確實與出汙泥而不染完全不同，有人就是喜歡清修，喜歡相對寧靜的環境吧。
橄欖樹，新周快樂！
曉青好！新周快樂！
哈哈，東東好！好像我是開算命攤子的：）
東東，新周快樂！
健康好！我以前也用電子秤算過掛，它根據被算人的身高和體重跟一個身材相似的著名影星聯係起來，說的都是好話：）
健康，新周快樂！
家家好！很高興你喜歡：）
家家，新周快樂！
小小好！嗯，用神奇的算命算一掛不錯：）
小小，新周快樂！
鬆鬆周末快樂！
鬆鬆周末快樂！
水沫好！嗯，神奇的算命：）
水沫，周末快樂！
給沙發上的點點上茶：）
哈哈，其實沒有多少人看，我剛一發完貼，就有了800多計數，不知是誰送的大禮~~~
在機場真是不能質疑算命人。還是去天堂吧，彈琴比幹活舒服。減肥不容易啊：）
問好點點，周末快樂！