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周末一笑: 蓋住鳥(轉載)

(2016-03-18 16:23:22) 下一個

1 蓋住鳥/Covering the Bird

We visited our newly married daughter, who was preparing her first Thanksgiving dinner. I noticed the turkey thawing in the kitchen sink with a dish drainer inverted over the bird. I asked why a drainer covered the turkey.

Our daughter turned to my wife and said, “Mom, you always did it that way.” “Yes,” my wife replied, “but you don’t have a cat!”

我們去看了我們剛結婚的女兒，她正準備她的第一個感恩節晚餐。我注意到火雞放在廚房的水槽中解凍而一個盤碟晾幹架倒扣在鳥身上。我問為什麽用排水架蓋住火雞。

我們的女兒轉身對著我的妻子說：“媽媽，你總是那樣做。”“是的，”我的妻子答道，“但你家沒有一隻貓！”

2 瀕危物種/Endangered Species

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the man for killing an endangered species. In court, the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

“Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty,” says the judge. “But I have to ask—what did the eagle taste like?”

“Well, Your Honor,” the hiker replies, “it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

一個徒步旅行者在樹林裏迷路，兩天沒有食物吃四處流浪。最後，他發現一個禿頭鷹，他用一塊大石頭打死了鳥並吃了它。一個巡山員偶爾見到現場並以殺害瀕危物種逮捕了男子。在法庭上，徒步旅行者解釋說，他是在饑餓的邊緣，別無選擇。

“考慮到這種情況下，我發現你無罪，”法官說。 “但我要問，老鷹的味道怎麽樣？”

“好，尊敬的法官，” 徒步旅行者回答說，“它的味道像是美洲鶴和斑點貓頭鷹之間的雜交。”

3 魚的緊急事件/Fish Emergency

My friend’s husband, Ray, is a state trooper and enjoys sharing the excuses people use when stopped for speeding. One day, however, the tables were turned. Ray maintains an aquarium of exotic fish, and a prized specimen had threatened to turn belly up. The off-duty officer called a pet store, and they advised him to immediately purchase a special additive that would correct the water’s PH.

Ray and his wife jumped into the car and rushed to the store. A state trooper signaled them to pull over. “Go ahead,” Ray’s wife said. “Tell him you’ve got a sick fish!”

我朋友的丈夫雷是州警，他享受分享他截住的超速的人們用的借口。然而有一天，情況變了。雷維護外來魚類的魚缸, 一條珍貴的品種嚇人地翻起了肚皮。這個下崗的警員給一家寵物店打電話，他們叫他立即買一個特殊的添加劑來糾正水的PH值。

雷和他的妻子跳上車急忙去商店。一個州警示意他們靠邊停車。 “去吧，”雷的妻子說。 “告訴他你有一條生病的魚！”

4 食品呼叫器/Food Caller

I was at a yard sale one day and saw a box marked “Electronic cat and dog call—guaranteed to work.” I looked inside and was amused to see an electric can opener.

一天我在一個庭院舊貨出售攤上看到一個箱子上寫有“電子貓狗呼叫器--保證工作。”我看了看裏麵，愉快地看到一個電動開罐器。

5 在逃的倉鼠/Hamster on the Run

My niece bought her five-year-old daughter, Kayleigh, a hamster. One day he escaped from his cage. The family turned the house upside down and finally found him. Several weeks later, while Kayleigh was at school, he escaped from his cage again. My niece searched frantically but never found the critter. Hoping to make the loss less painful for Kayleigh, my niece took the cage out of her room.

When Kayleigh came home from school that afternoon, she climbed into her mother’s lap. “We’ve got a serious problem,” she announced. “Not only is my hamster gone again, but this time he took the cage.”

我侄女給她5歲的女兒凱麗買了一隻倉鼠。有一天，倉鼠從籠子裏逃走。一家人把房子翻了個遍終於找到了他。幾個星期後，當凱麗在學校時，倉鼠又從籠子裏逃走。我侄女瘋狂地搜索，但沒找到小動物。希望能讓凱麗減少痛苦，我的侄女把籠子拿出她的房間。

那天下午凱麗放學回家，她爬進她的母親的懷裏。“我們有一個嚴重的問題，”她宣布。“不僅我的倉鼠又逃走了，這次他把籠子也帶走了。”

6 如何獲得關注/How to get Attention

One of the highlights of the freshman biology class at New Mexico Highlands University was the monthly feeding of a caged rattlesnake kept in the laboratory. One time, the entire class gathered around the cage and, in complete silence, watched as the feeding took place.

"I’m jealous of the snake," the instructor said. "I never get the class’s undivided attention like this."

A student answered matter-of-factly, "You would if you could swallow a mouse."

一個在新墨西哥高地大學新生生物課的亮點之一，是每月關在實驗室裏一籠響尾蛇的喂養。一時間整個班級聚集在籠子邊，寂靜無聲地看著喂養發生。

“我嫉妒蛇，” 講師說。 “我從來沒有得到過全班像這樣的一心一意的關注。”

一個學生就事論事，實事求是地說，“你可以得到如果你能吞下一隻老鼠。”

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