南山鬆

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周末一笑: 猴年快樂! (轉載)

(2016-02-05 16:46:08) 下一個

1 有信仰的牛仔/Religious Cowboy

The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a monkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the monkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the monkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."

虔誠的牛仔在修補牧場的圍欄時丟了他最喜歡的聖經。三個星期後，一隻猴子用嘴叼著聖經走向他。牛仔簡直不敢相信自己的眼睛。他把寶典從猴子的嘴裏拿出來，抬起眼睛向著天，大聲說道，“這是一個奇跡！” “不是真的，”猴子說。 “你的名字在封麵內寫著呢。”

2 電影/Movies

A man in a movie theater notices what looks like a monkey sitting next to him. "Are you a monkey?" asked the man, surprised. "Yes." "What are you doing at the movies?" The monkey replied, "Well, I liked the book."

在電影院的一個人注意到坐在他旁邊的看起來像一隻猴子。 “你是猴子？”那人驚訝地問。“是。”“你在電影院做什麽？”猴子回答說：“嗯，我喜歡這本書。”

3 猴子和帽子/The Monkeys and the Hats

Once upon a time, there lived a poor hat seller in a small village in India. He earned his livelihood stitching hats and selling them in the neighboring villages. Once when going to another village through a forest, he fell asleep under a tree. When he woke up, he was surprised to find his basket empty and all the hats missing. Then he noticed a troop of monkeys sitting in the tree wearing his hats. He came up with a brilliant idea to retrieve his hats. He lifted the hat on his head and threw it to the ground. Out of their aping habits the monkeys followed suit. The hat seller then collected all the hats and triumphantly proceeded to the market.

As the years pass by, the hat seller has a grandson who too ends up being a hat seller. One day he has to pass through the same forest to sell hats in the village on the other side. As he is leaving, his grandpa tells him of the monkeys and how he outsmarted them and warns the grandson to be careful in the forest and remember his grandpa's trick if the monkeys cause any trouble.

So the grandson sets forth on his journey. While passing through the forest, he gets tired and falls asleep to wake up and find the basket empty and all the hats gone. Then he notices the monkeys on the tree wearing the hats. Smiling to himself he says, "Aha ! I know how to deal with this. I'll use my grandpa's trick ! So he hurls his hat to the ground expecting the monkeys to do the same. All this time, there is a young hatless monkey sitting in the tree. This monkey jumps down from the tree, quickly picks up the grandson's hat and puts it on his head. Then as he is scampering away, he says to the grandson sarcastically:

"HA! HA! DID YOU THINK ONLY HUMANS HAVE A GRANDPA!?"

從前有在印度的一個小村莊裏住著一個貧窮的賣帽子的人。他靠縫製帽子和在鄰村出售帽子過活。一次他去另一個村子穿過一片森林時，他在樹下睡著了。當他醒來時，他驚訝地發現他的籃子空了，所有的帽子都不見了。然後，他發現一群猴子戴著他的帽子坐在樹上。他想出了一個絕妙的主意來拿回他的帽子。他舉起了頭上的帽子扔在地上。由於猿猴的特性猴子們紛紛效仿。然後這個賣帽子的人就收起了所有的帽子，並得意洋洋地向集市走去。

許多年過去後，賣帽子的人有了一個孫子，他也最終成了賣帽子的。有一天，他必須穿過同一個樹林中到村子的另一邊賣帽子。當他離開時，他的爺爺告訴他那些猴子，他是如何智勝他們的，並警告孫子在森林裏要小心，如果猴子製造任何麻煩要記住爺爺用的辦法。

於是孫子開始了他的旅程。當他穿過森林時，他感到疲倦就睡著了，醒來時發現籃子空了，所有的帽子都沒了。然後，他注意到在樹上戴帽子的猴子。他獨自微笑，說：“啊哈！我知道如何處理這個問題。我會用我的爺爺的把戲！於是他用力把他的帽子扔在地上，期待猴子也這樣做。這段時間裏，有一個年輕的沒戴帽子的猴子坐在樹上。這隻猴子從樹上跳下來，連忙拿起孫子的帽子並把它放在他的頭上，然後當他跑開時，他對孫子譏諷地說：

“哈！哈！你以為隻有人類才有爺爺！？”

4 跨物種的營救/Cross-Species Rescue

A three-year-old boy fell eighteen feet into a zoo enclosure containing seven gorillas. He was immediately rescued, not by zookeepers, but by one of the animals. The 150 lb. female gorilla picked up the unconscious form of the boy and laid it at a door to be easily retrieved to by zookeepers. This cross-species rescue has resulted in thousands of dollars in donations to the zoo. It is perhaps because of these donations that zookeepers have kept quiet about one vital detail, a hastily scrawled note tucked in the boy's collar, "Thanks; but we prefer fruit."
一個三歲的男孩從18英尺高的關有7隻大猩猩的動物園的圍欄上掉了下來。他立即被救出，但不是被動物園管理員救出的，而是由動物中的一個救下的。一隻150磅的雌性大猩猩抱起無意識的男孩並把他放在門邊可讓動物園管理員輕鬆地得到。這種跨物種的搶救造成了數千美元的捐款至動物園。這些捐款也許是因為飼養員對一個重要的細節一直保持安靜，一個匆忙潦草的條子夾在男孩的衣領“謝謝，但我們更喜歡水果。”

5 猴子模仿者/The Monkey Mime

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zookeeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zookeeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!" but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

一天，一個失去工作的模仿者參觀動物園，並嚐試作為街頭藝人掙些錢。不幸的是，他剛開始吸引觀眾，一個飼養員抓住了他，把他拽進他的辦公室。

該動物園管理員向模仿者解釋說動物園裏最受歡迎的景點的大猩猩突然死了，飼養員擔心來動物園的人將會大幅度減少。他給模仿者提供裝扮成大猩猩的工作，直到他們可以得到另一隻大猩猩。這個模仿者接受了。

於是，第二天早上模仿者穿上大猩猩的衣服在人群到來之前走進籠子。他發現這是一個非常好的工作。他可以在他想要的時候睡覺，戲耍和捉弄人，他吸引了比以往他作為一個模仿者時更大的人群。不過，最終人們厭倦了他，他也厭倦了坐在輪胎上擺動。

他開始注意到人們更關注在他旁邊的獅子籠子。不想失去觀眾的注意，他爬到籠子的頂部，跨過分區，懸在獅子籠的頂部。當然，這使得獅子大怒，但觀眾喜歡。在一天結束時，動物園飼養員來了，給模仿者這麽吸引人的表演加了薪水。

於是，這樣表演了一段時間後，模仿者不斷嘲笑獅子，熙熙攘攘的人群越來越大，而他的工資不斷上升。然後，一個可怕的一天當他在憤怒的獅子上晃來晃去時，他滑倒了摔了下來。模仿者嚇壞了。獅子集結力量並準備猛撲。

這個模仿者是如此害怕，他在籠子裏一圈圈地跑，獅子緊隨其後。最後，模仿者開始尖叫，“救命，救救我！”但獅子很快撲向他。

這個模仿者很快發現自己背躺在地上仰視著憤怒的獅子，獅子說：“閉嘴，你這個白癡！你想要我們兩個都被解雇嗎？”

6 乘公車/Bus Ride

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized with her and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

一個抱著一個嬰兒的婦女上了一輛公共汽車。該公交車司機說，“這是我見過的最醜的孩子！”

一怒之下，該女子把她的車費摔到收費箱，坐在公交車後部一個靠過道的座位。她旁邊坐著的人感覺到她很激動，問她發生了什麽事。 “公交車司機侮辱了我，”她憤怒地說。

該名男子同情她，說：“為什麽，他是一個公務員，不應該說事來侮辱乘客。”

“你說得對，”她說。 “我想我回到他那裏，告訴他我的想法。”

“這是個好主意，”那人說。 “來，讓我抱著你的猴子。”

祝大家猴年快樂!