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1 瘋人院
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”
Another one said, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "God told me!”
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!”
一天深夜, 在瘋人院裏一個患者大喊: “我是拿破侖。”
另一個病人說: “你是怎麽知道的?”
“是上帝告訴我的。”
這時隔壁的一個聲音說: “我可沒有告訴他!”
2 會說話的青蛙
A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said: "If you kiss me, I’1l turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said: "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "1f you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'11 stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want.” Again, the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, that I’1l stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I’m an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool.”
一天, 一個男人走在路上。這時一隻青蛙喊住他說:“如果你吻我, 那我就會變成一個漂亮的公主。”他蹲了下來, 撿起了青蛙並把他放到了口袋裏。青蛙大聲地說:“如果你吻我, 那我就會變成一個漂亮的公主。我會告訴每一個人, 你是多麽的聰明, 多麽得勇敢以及你是怎麽成為我的英雄的。”男人把青蛙從口袋裏掏了出來, 對它笑了笑, 又把它放了回去。
青蛙又大聲地說:“如果你吻我, 那我就會變成一個漂亮的公主, 而且我會成為你最愛的同伴, 並陪你度過整個一周。”男人把青蛙從口袋裏掏了出來, 對它笑了笑, 又把它放了回去。青蛙再次大聲喊道:“如果你吻我, 那我就會變成一個漂亮的公主, 而且我會陪伴你一年, 做任何你希望的事情。”男人把青蛙從口袋裏掏了出來, 對它笑了笑, 又把它放了回去。
最後, 青蛙問:“怎麽了?我已經告訴你, 我是一個漂亮的公主, 並且我會陪伴你一年, 做任何你希望的事情, 你為什麽不吻我呢?”男人說:“我是一個工程師, 我沒有時間陪女朋友, 但是, 陪一隻會說話的青蛙就太棒了。”
3 誰自私?
My husband and I were discussing the options available on the new car we planned to buy. The standard equipment included a driver's side air bag, but the passenger air bag was an optional purchase. I thought this was a bit odd and asked, “What would a wife say if her husband bought a car with only one air bag?"
"That's easy, "my husband responded. "She'd say, 'I'll drive.'"
我和我丈夫正在討論我們計劃要買的新車上應帶有哪些設備。標準設備包括在車上配備給司機座位上的空氣袋，但乘客席上的空氣袋就可有可無了。對於這點，我覺得有點滑稽，於是就問丈夫:"如果丈夫隻買了一個空氣袋，他老婆會說什麽呢?"
我丈夫回答說:“這很容易猜，她會說:‘我來開車吧!'."
4 預約
A man called his doctor's office for an appointment, “I am sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can't fit you in for at least two weeks. "
"But I could be dead by then!”
"No problem. If your wife lets us know, we'll cancel the appointment. "
一位男士給大夫的辦公室打電話，他想預約看病的時間。接待員說:“對不起，至少在兩周內，我們是無法把你安排進來的。”
“等輪到我的時候，我恐怕已經死了。”
“你就不用為這個擔心了，如果你老婆通知我們一聲，我們會取消這個預約的.”
5 稱職
“What makes you think you're qualified to be a night watchman?” asked the personnel director.
"Well, for one thing,” replied the job applicant, "I'm a real light sleeper.”
一位人事經理問一位求職者:“你怎麽就覺得你能勝任值夜班的工作呢?”
求職者說:“噢，有一點我敢肯定，我睡覺很徑。”
6 金發美女和她的馬
There once was a really dumb blonde who had two horses. Now this blonde couldn’t tell her two horses apart so she decided to ask her neighbor to help her out. She said to her neighbor, "I have two horses that I can't tell apart, can you help me?"
“Sure,” said her neighbor, "maybe you should nick one of their ears, then you could tell them apart.”
So, the blonde went home and did that. The next day the blonde went to check up on her horses but saw that she could not tell them apart for the other horse had nicked it’ s ear also. So, she went back over to her neighbor.
"My other horse has a nicked ear now too.” she said, “Do you have any other ideas how to tell them apart? They are both girls.”
"Hmmmm.” thought her neighbor, "Cut one's tail shorter than the other!”
So, the blonde went home and did that. The next day, though, both horses had the same length of tail! So, the blonde, tired of walking to her neighbor's house decided to call instead.
“I see,” said the neighbor after the blonde told her about how both of the tails were the same, "Try measuring them, maybe one is taller than the other.”
So the blonde did that, then rushed back into her house, phoned her neighbor and said to her" You were right!! The black horse is taller than the white one.”
從前有一個非常傻的金發美女，她有兩匹馬。但是她不能分辨她那兩匹馬，所以就去請她的鄰居幫忙。她對鄰居說:“我有兩匹馬，但是我總分不清，你能幫我嗎?”
“當然可以，”她的鄰居說，“你也許可以在一匹的耳朵上做個標記，那樣你就能分清了。”
就這樣，她回家照著鄰居的話做了。第二天她檢查她的馬時，發現還是區別不了，因為另一匹馬的耳朵上也有標記。所以，她又去找她的鄰居。
“我的兩匹馬的耳朵上都有記號了，”她說，“你有什麽其它的辦法能把它們分開嗎?它們都是母馬。”
“嗯”，她的鄰居想了想說，“把一匹馬的尾巴剪短一些，”
那個金發女郎又按照鄰居的話回家那麽做了。第二天，兩隻馬的尾巴還是一樣長!她懶得走了，於是就打電話給她的鄰居。
“我知道了，”當她的鄰居得知兩匹馬的尾巴一樣長以後說:“試著量量它們，也許一匹高一些，一匹矮一些。”
她又按鄰居的話做了一次，然後跑回屋裏給她的鄰居打電話說:“你是對的!那匹黑色的馬要比那匹白色的馬高。”
Rebecca, I am glad you like these jokes:)
You have a great 4th of July weekend, too:)
I could not help laughing after I read the blonde joke. She went through all the trouble to find the differences between the two horses. Yet it was right in front of her eyes. One was a black horse. The other was a white horse.
Songsong, thanks for sharing all these hilarious jokes. Have a great 4th of July weekend.
葉子, I'm glad you like them:)
葉子,have a nice week!
Thanks, Songsong!
fengdaming好! #4讓人啼笑皆非~ #6金發美女又成了別人嫉妒取笑的對象了~
fengdaming,周末快樂!
美眉好! 夫妻鬥嘴也是別有趣味的~ 好像多人都喜歡那個有童話色彩的:)
美眉,周末快樂!
水沫好!那個還有動人的童話色彩:)
水沫,周末快樂！
點點好!是啊,急病可不等人啊.我也是頭一次聽說新車隻裝一個空氣囊的:)
點點,周末快樂!
哈哈,尼斯,你的情報太有趣了~~~
尼斯,周末快樂!
君子好! 天下可憐的人好像不止是工程師啊,需要同情的人真是太多了~~~
君子,周末快樂!
哈哈,抱抱小小:)
小小,周末快樂!
鬆鬆周末快樂！
鬆鬆周末快樂！：））