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周末一笑: 真正的勇氣 (轉載)

(2015-05-30 05:19:07) 下一個

1 真正的勇氣

An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on the deck of a ship watching war exercises. The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts“Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!"

Upon which the American challenges him: "Oh YEAH?"

The Russian says, "Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing Atlantic) and swim around the ship!" Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns around and says: "See, there's an example of courage!"

The American has to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives him the order: "Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship seven times!"

Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The American General says: "Now top that for courage!"

So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around watching these antics silently. They ask him: “What about your people?"

So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: "Trevor, jump off the mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?"

Trevor stares at his general.

"Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast."

"Yes."

"And swim under the keel."

"Yes."

"You must be daft!"

And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British General turns to the other two and says, "Now there’s an example of TRUE courage!"

一位美國將軍、一位俄羅斯將軍和一位英國將軍站在一艘船的甲板上看著軍事演習他們談論著人的勇氣, 這時俄羅斯將軍吹噓道:“俄羅斯的士兵是世界上最勇敢的人!”

對此, 美國將軍反問道:“哦?真的嗎?”

俄羅斯將軍說:“當然, 不信看著。尤芮, 從甲板上跳下去繞著船遊一圈。”(下麵就是冰冷的大西洋)尤芮二話沒說就按命令跳了下去。俄羅斯將軍轉過頭說:“看見了嗎?這就是勇氣的例子。”

美國將軍不服氣,所以就叫來他的一個部下命令道:“傑克, 從桅杆上跳下去, 然後繞著船遊七圈。”可憐的傑克沒吭一聲地服從了命令。然後, 美國將軍說:“這才叫做勇氣。”

接著他們都轉向了一直站在旁邊靜靜觀看的英國將軍,然後他們問他:“你們的人怎麽樣?”

英國將軍叫來了一個人說:“特雷弗,從桅杆上跳下去,然後從船底下遊過去,聽見了嗎,老家夥?”

特雷弗瞪著他的將軍。

“你的意思是說讓我從桅杆上跳下去。”

“對。”

“然後從船底下遊過去。”

“對。”“你一定是發瘋了！”

說著,特雷弗轉過身去,閑庭漫步般走去。於是英國將軍轉過來對那兩個人說:“現在這才叫真正的勇氣呢!”

2 優缺點

"This house,” said the realestate salesman, "has both its good points and bad points. To show you I’m honest, I’m going to tell you about the disadvantage-there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse one block north.”

"What are the advantages?” inquired the prospective buyer.

"The good thing about it,” said the agent, "is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing.”

“這幢房子,”房地產推銷商說, “既有優點也有缺點。為了說明我是誠實的, 我將告訴你們它的缺點—往南麵一個街區是一家化工廠, 往北麵一個街區是一家屠宰場。”

“那麽它的長處呢?”預備購買房子的人問道。

“它的好處,”代理商說道, “就是, 你總能分清風是從哪邊吹過來的。”

3 發生在院子裏的怪事

A woman with a broken ankle was gingerly hobbling along on crutches as she attempted to walk her dog. Because of her handicap, however, she was having a lot of trouble keeping the dog under control. Finally, the dog lunged forward, the leash slipped out of her hand, and the dog went running down the street. She called and called, but the dog wouldn't come back. Since she couldn’t chase after it, she eventually gave up and went home.

A couple of hours later she heard something scratching at the door. When she went to the door she found her dog standing there with a dead rabbit in its mouth. Upon closer inspection, she realized it was the neighbors' pet rabbit. She knew she would never be able to tell them what happened, and since they were out of town for the weekend, she hit upon a plan.

She took the rabbit into the bathroom, washed it off, and blew its fur dry. Then she took the rabbit back to the neighbor’s backyard and put the rabbit back in its cage. She thought the neighbors would discover the rabbit dead and think it died in the cage. They would never suspect what really happened.

On Monday, there was a knock at the door, and when she answered, there was her neighbor standing there. He asked her if she had seen anyone in their backyard over the weekend. She said no. He said, "Did you see anything strange going on around our house or yard?" Again, she denied seeing anything suspicious. She said, "Why are you asking me these questions? What happened?" He said, "Well, something really strange is going on in my backyard. On Friday our rabbit died, so we buried it in the backyard. But when we came back from the weekend, it was back in the cage!”

一個跛腳的女人手裏拄著一根拐杖，跟在她的狗後麵一瘸一拐地往前走。因為她的腿腳不方便所以很難控製住她的狗，這時牽著狗的鏈子從這個女人手中脫落了，這條狗沿著馬路跑了下去。不管她喊什麽，這條狗都不理睬，她也知道自己根本不可能追上，於是她也就放棄了努力，獨自一人回家了。

幾個小時後她聽到有什麽東西在敲門的聲音。打開門一看，她的那隻狗正站在門外，嘴裏還叼著一隻死兔子。仔細一看，正是在鄰居家養的那隻兔子。她知道決不能讓那家人知道這件事。因為，他們都出城度周末去了，於是她想出了一個好主意。

她把死兔子放進浴缸裏洗幹淨，用吹風機把它身上的毛吹幹，然後又把它重新放回鄰居後院的兔籠裏。她想鄰居回來以後一定會認為兔子是自己死在籠子裏的，決不會想到這裏發生的一切。

星期一的早上，這個女人的鄰居敲開了她的房門。他問這個女人在周末有沒有看到什麽人去過他家的後院。女人回答說沒有。“那你有沒有看到什麽奇怪的事情發生在房中或者院子裏?”這個女人仍回答沒有。然後她問: “為什麽你要問我這些問題?發生什麽事了?”那個鄰居回答: “我家的後院出了件怪事。上周五我家的兔子死了，我們把它埋在後院裏，可是當我們度完周末回到家後，卻發現它又重新回到籠子裏了。”

4 醫院公告欄上的留言

Colloquium announcement:

Research shows the first five minutes of life can be the most risky.

Hand-written note underneath:

The last five minutes aren't so hot either.

討論會公告:

研究結果表明一個人來到世上的最初五分鍾是最危險的。

下麵卻有一行手寫的便條:

一個人在這世上的最後五分鍾也不好受。

5 翅膀

The fried chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, a quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."

一天，我工作的炸雞店在關門前出現了一陣搶購狂潮，結果除了雞翅外所有的東西都賣完了。當我正準備鎖門時，一名喝醉了的旅客進來要進餐。我問他翅膀行不行，他從拒台上靠過身子來，回答道:“女士，我到這兒來是吃東西的，不是要飛!”

6 金色的酒吧

One night, a man comes home slightly drunk and his wife (who is suspecting he’s cheating on her) questions his whereabouts…

Wife: "Where were you?"

Man: "I was at this new bar called the Golden Bar. Everything is golden.”

Wife: "Sure you were. There’s no such place”

Man: "There is! They have huge golden doors, a golden floors, and even golden urinals!”

Wife: "Oh, I BELEIVE you 100%.”

So, the next day the wife looks through the phone book for this golden bar. She’s surprised when she finds a Golden Bar located across town. She decides to call up and check this out for herself…

Wife: "Is this the Golden Bar?"

Bartender: "Yes it is.”

Wife: "Do you have huge golden doors?"

Bartender: "Yes we do…”

Wife: "Do you have golden floors?"

Bartender: "We have them, too…”

Wife: "What about golden urinals?"

Bartender (speaking away from phone):"Hey Max, I think we have a clue about the guy that peed on your alto-sax.”

一天深夜，一個男人稍有醉意回到家中。他的妻子問他去哪了(她有些懷疑他的話)。

妻子:“你去哪了?”

丈夫:“我去了一個叫金色酒吧的新開張的酒吧。裏麵的一切都是金的。”

妻子:“你真去了嗎? 根本沒有這種地方!”