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周末一笑: 新手上班(轉載)

(2015-05-22 17:28:41) 下一個

1 新手上班

A rookie police officer was out for his first ride in a cruiser with an experienced partner. A call came in telling them to disperse some people who were loitering. The officers drove to the street and observed a small-crowed standing on a corner. The rookie rolled down his window and said, "Let’s get off the corner people.” A few glances, but no one moved, so he barked again, "Let’s get off that corner…NOW!” Intimidated, the group of people began to leave, casting puzzled stares in his direction. Proud of his first officer act, the young policeman turned to his partner and asked, "Well, how did I do?" "Pretty good,” chuckled the vet, "especially since this is a bus stop."

一位新警官和一位有經驗的搭檔坐在警車裏第一次去巡邏。一個電話打來說讓他們去驅散一些閑逛的人。兩個警官把警車開到那條街上，他們看見有一群人正站在街的拐角上。新警官搖下車窗喊道:“拐角上的人群快點散開。”人們看了幾眼，但是沒有人動。所以他又一次大喊:“那個拐角上的人們快點散開……馬上!”人們由於害怕開始離開那裏，並向他投來了不解的目光。年輕的警察很為自己的第一次執法行動而驕傲，轉頭向他的搭檔說:“看，我幹得怎麽樣?”“非常好，”老警察笑著說，“隻不過這裏是一個公共汽車站。”

2 隻聽上帝的安排

A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!

He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!

So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock.

The deep voice says: OPEN!

0k，the man thinks, let’s open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins.

The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO!

Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino.

The deep voice says: ROULETTE!

So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief.

The deep voice says: 27!

He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26.

Finally, the deep voice says: This is called BAD LUCK! My son!

一個男人孤獨的在海灘上散步。突然他聽到一個低沉的聲音:“挖!”

他環顧周圍一個人都沒有。他認為他一定是產生了幻覺。然後，他又聽到了那個聲音:“我說，挖!”

於是，他開始用雙手在沙地上挖，挖了幾英寸後他發現了一個小箱子，上麵還有一把生鏽的鎖。

那個低沉的聲音說:“打開!”

那個男人決定把那個箱子打開。他找到一塊石頭敲開了鎖。當箱子打開時他看到裏麵全是金幣。

那個低沉的聲音說:“去賭場!”

那個男人一想賭場隻有幾英裏遠，於是就帶著那個箱子去了賭場。

那個低沉的聲音說:“輪盤賭!”

他把所有的金幣都換成了輪盤賭的籌碼，當他走到一個輪盤賭的桌子前，所有的人都用懷疑的目光看著他。

那個低沉的聲音又說:“二十七!”

他把所有的籌碼都壓在了二十七上。那個賭桌都快放不下了。當那個球在輪盤賭上轉動時每個人都安靜了下來。最後，它停在了二十六上。

最終，那個低沉的聲音說:“我的孩子，這就叫做‘倒黴’!”

3 我的房間在哪？

A deaf couple checks into a motel very late at night. Upon moving into their assigned room, they go to bed. But in the middle of the night, the woman has a headache, so she goes into the bathroom for aspirin. But she finds none,and remembers that the bottle of aspirin is still in the car. Afraid to go out alone at night, she awakens her husband and asks him to go and get the aspirin from the car. The very groggy husband puts on his robe and toddles wearily outside. He finds the bottle of aspirin in the car's glove compartment, and gets ready to go back to the room when he realizes something: he can’t remember which room was his.

He thinks and thinks and then gets an idea. He opens the car again and honks the steering wheel horn several times. Within a minute, all the motel’s windows lighten up--except one window, and of course, he makes for the room with that window.

一對耳聾的夫婦在深夜住進了一間汽車旅館。一進了定好的房間他們就躺下睡了。但等到半夜，妻子覺得頭疼，於是就到衛生間找阿司匹林。可是她沒有找到，這時她想起來在車上還有一瓶。她不敢深夜獨自出去，於是就叫醒她的丈夫，讓他出去從車上拿那瓶阿司匹林。晃晃悠悠的丈夫穿上睡袍，東倒西歪地走出門外。他在汽車儀表盤的貯物箱裏找到了阿司匹林，當他準備回房間時，他想不起來到底哪間才是他的房間。

他想來想去，最後想出了一個主意。他打開車門然後按起了喇叭。不到一分鍾，整個汽車旅館裏除了一間還黑著燈，所有的窗戶都亮了。當然，因此他找到了自己的房間。

4 法官的手表

A judge was instructing the jury that a witness was not necessarily to be regarded as untruthful because he changed his statement after he gave it to the police. "For example," he said, "when I entered my chambers today I was positive that I had my gold watch in my pocket. But then I remembered that I left it on my desk in my bedroom."

When the judge returned home that evening, his wife asked him, "Why so much urgency for your watch? Isn’t sending three men to pick it up for you a bit extreme?"

"What?” said the judge, "I didn't send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?"

"I gave it to the first man,” said the wife, "he knew exactly where it was."

一個法官正告知陪審團，不必因為一個證人改變了他已經交給警察的證詞就認為他不可信。“比方說，”他說，“當今天我走進我的辦公室的時候，我以為我的金表在我的口袋裏。但隨後我想起來我把它放在我臥室的書桌上了。”

當法官那天晚上回到家時，他妻子問他:“為什麽那麽著急要你的表?還派三個人取你的表，是不是有一點過分了?”

“什麽?”法官說，“我沒派人來取表，更不用說三個人。你都幹了什麽?”

“我把手表給了第一個人，”妻子說，“因為他很清楚那表放在什麽地方。”

5 美女上班

A blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away.

The supervisor checked up at the end of the day and found that she had completed four miles on her first day, double the average! "Great,” he told her, "I think you are really going to work out.” The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only did two miles. The supervisor thought, "She is still above the average. I should not discourage her. I'd better keep silence first.” In the third day, the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.”

The boss talked to the new employee and said, "You were doing so great. The first day you did four miles, the second day two miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Is there a problem? What’s keeping you from meeting the two-mile minimum?" The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the paint bucket.”

一個已經幾個月沒有工作的金發女郎，找到了一份公共工程建設的工作。她要給一條鄉村公路的中央畫線。監工告訴她，在試用期她必須保證每天刷兩英裏或兩英裏以上才能保住工作。這個金發女郎同意馬上開始工作。

監工當天檢查時發現她第一天完成了四英裏，是平均量的兩倍!“很好!”監工告訴她，“我想你會幹得很出色。”但是第二天，他失望地發現女郎隻完成了兩英裏。監工想:“她還在平均量以上，我還不能打擊她，我先要保持沉默。”第三天，金發女郎隻刷了一英裏，老板想:“在她幹得更差之前我得跟她談談。”

老板對這個新雇員說:“第一天你幹得那麽好，刷了四英裏，第二天兩英裏，但昨天你隻刷了一英裏。有什麽問題嗎? 什麽讓你連兩英裏的限度也到不了?”女郎回答:“因為我離油漆桶一天比一天遠。”

6 寄給上帝的信

A little boy wanted one hundred dollar for a bicycle very badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the money. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a five bill. The President thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted wish the five-dollar bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read:

Dear Lord，

Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, DC and as usual, those jerks deducted ninety-five dollars.

Love, Roger

一個小男孩非常想要一百美元買一輛自行車，但是祈禱了兩個星期也沒有結果。於是，他決定給上帝寫一封信要這一百美元。當郵局收到這封收信人為“美國，上帝”的信後，他們決定把它寄給美國總統。總統很重視，也很感動。他命令他的秘書寄給個小男孩五美元紙鈔。總統認為這對於一個小男孩來說應該是一筆大錢了。這個小男孩收到這五美元後非常高興，又坐下來給上帝寫了一封感謝信，信中寫道:

親愛的上帝:

非常感謝你寄給我的錢。可是我發現，由於某種原因您通過華盛頓寄給我的錢，像往常一樣，那些奇怪的人扣走了九十五美元。

羅傑

(from Internet)

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