南山鬆
陽光明媚清風起，微波蕩漾碧藍天。
正文
1 優秀象棋手 A good Chess Player
A man went to visit his friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" He explained, "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen!"
"No, he's not so smart." The friend replied," I've beat him three games out of five"
一男士去拜訪一位朋友，令他驚訝的是，他朋友竟然在和他的狗下象棋。他驚訝地看了會棋局，“我幾乎無法相信自己的眼睛! ”他叫道，“這是我見過的最聰明的狗了。”
“不，他沒那麽聰明，”朋友回答說：“五盤裏麵我贏了三盤。”
2 唯物主義的人 A Materialistic Man
A man opened the door of his BMW,when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.
When the police arrived at the scene, the man was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer,look what they've done to my BMW", he whined.
"You are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer,
"You're so worried about your stupid BMW that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my God!" replied the man, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!"
有一位人打開他的 BMW 座車車門，當時剛好有一輛車子突然駛來撞上車門，而且把它完全給扯了下來。
當警察到達現場的時候，這人正在對他的昂貴BMW座車所受到的損害，痛苦地抱怨不已。他滿腹牢騷的向警察嘀咕說：
“警官，你瞧瞧他們對我的 BMW所幹的好事啦！”
這名警官卻回嘴說，“你這人實在太唯物主義了，你真讓我覺得惡心！”
“你竟然這麽擔心你的笨BMW車子，卻沒注意到你的左手臂被扯斷了”這人最後注意到流著血的左肩膀，也就是他的手臂原先所在之處，他回答說：“哦，我的天哪！我的勞動士手表在哪裏呀？”
3 醉漢 A drunk
A police officer pulls over a guy who has been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Ok, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I am sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I am too drunk to do that."
有一位警官把一個在車道上穿進穿出，迂回蛇行的男子攔到路邊。
他走到這名男子的車窗旁邊說：“先生，我要你對著這個酒精測試管吹一口氣。”
這名男子說：“對不起呀，警官，我不能吹呀。我是個氣喘病患者呀。如果我吹的話，我就會真的患很嚴重的氣喘病。”
“好， 好。我要你到警察局進行血液檢驗。”
“我不能抽血檢驗呀。我是個血友病患呀。如果我抽血檢驗，我就會流血過多而死呀。”
“嗯，那我們就要你進行尿液檢驗吧。”
“對不起呀 ，警官，我也不能驗尿呀。我也是一個糖尿病患者呀。如果我驗尿的話，我的血糖就真的會變得很低。”
“好吧，那我要你出來到這邊，走這條白線。”
“警官，我辦不到呀。”
“為什麽辦不到？”
“因為我喝得太醉了，所以做不了呀。”
4 致命的錯誤！ Fatal Mistake!
Fred had been a faithful husband and father. He was now in the hospital, near death. His family called their pastor to be with them at the hospital. As the preacher stood next to his bed, Fred's condition seemed to suddenly deteriorate and he motioned frantically that he wanted to write something. The pastor tenderly handed him a pen and a piece of paper. Fred seemed to use his last bit of energy to scribble something before he had a final spasm and died. The pastor thought it best not to look at Fred's note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. The same pastor officiated at Fred's funeral a couple days later. As he was finishing the service, he realized he was wearing the same jacket he had been wearing when Fred died. He said, "You know, Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm quite sure there's a word of inspiration there for all of us." He opened the note, and read, "MOVE . . . you're standing on my oxygen tube!"
弗雷德一直是忠實的丈夫和父親。他現在在醫院，臨近死亡。他的家人叫了他們的牧師與他們一起在醫院。當傳道士站在他的床邊，弗雷德的病情似乎突然惡化，他瘋狂地示意，他想寫東西。牧師溫柔地遞給他一支筆和一張紙。在他最後一個痙攣而死之前,弗雷德似乎用盡了最後的力氣寫了有點潦草的東西。在那個時候牧師認為最好不要看弗雷德的字條，所以他將它放在上衣口袋裏。兩天後相同的牧師主持了弗雷德的葬禮。當他完成了葬禮程序，他意識到他一直穿著同樣的弗雷德死時他穿的外套。他說，“你知道，弗雷德死前遞給我一張紙條。我還沒有看過，但我知道弗雷德，我敢肯定那是對我們所有人都有激勵作用的詞。”他打開紙條，念道，“移開。你踩到了我的氧氣管！”
5 導遊 A Tourist Guide
A young Dublin university student with a distinctive Dublin accent - which I wish I could reproduce! was acting as a guide in Anne Hathaway's cottage in Stratford-on-Avon; his job was to show people Shakespeare's personal effects. The student did with great reverence: he would say "Here, ladies and gentlemen, is the bed of Mr. William Shakespeare!" The group of people he was conducting took photos and were suitably deferential; the student took them to the kitchen, picked up a pot and in a similarly reverential voice announced: ladies and gentlemen - the pot in which Mr. Shakespeare made his porridge. More photos, more appropriate deference. Leading his group into Shakespeare's study the student picked up a tiny skull; he held it as any sacred relic should be held and in a hushed voice said: "Ladies and gentlemen - the skull of William Shakespeare!" You could hear a feather drop such was the reverence and awe until a snotty nosed, plummy voiced Etonian adolescent brat pompously dismissed the skull: "Rubbish! - that couldn't possibly be the head of Shakespeare - it's far too small". The Dublin student, sniffed scornfully and in the most measured voice retorted: "Excu u - u - u - se me - that is the skull of Mr. William Shakespeare when he was twelve".
在安妮·海瑟薇的小屋，一位年輕的具有鮮明的都柏林口音的都柏林大學的學生是埃文河畔斯特拉特福的導遊,他的工作主題是- 我希望我能重現！他的工作是向人們展示了莎士比亞的私人物品。這個學生帶著非常的尊重做事：他會說“女士們，先生們，這是威廉·莎士比亞先生的床！”他導遊的一群人就恰如其分地恭敬地進行拍照;學生帶著他們到廚房，拿起鍋並用一個同樣虔誠的聲音宣布：女士們，先生們 - 莎士比亞先生用這個鍋做粥。更多的照片，更得體的尊重。帶領他的小組繼續莎士比亞的研究中，這個學生拿起一個小小的骷髏;他認為這是非常神聖的遺物，應舉著用安靜的聲音說：“女士們，先生們 - 威廉·莎士比亞的頭骨”你可以聽到一根羽毛落下的聲音那樣的尊重和敬畏，直到有人用鼻子哼了一聲，伊頓公學的青年小夥子傲慢地駁回了骷髏：“垃圾 - 這不可能是莎士比亞的頭 - 這太小了。”都柏林的學生，輕蔑地嗤之以鼻，並用最有威力的聲音反駁道：“請原-諒-我 - 這是威廉·莎士比亞先生的頭骨，他那時12歲”。
6 5歲的回答 An Answer by a Five-year-old
Five-year-old Becky answers the door when the census-taker knocks. He asks, "Is your daddy at home?" She says, "No, he's performing an appendectomy." "That's a big word for someone so young. Do you know what it means?" "Sure, it means $1,500, not including the anesthesiologist."
當普查調查員來敲門的時候五歲的貝基開了門。他問，“你爸爸在家嗎？”她說，“不，他在進行闌尾切除術。”“對你這麽年輕的一個人來說這是一個很大詞。你知道這是什麽意思？”“當然，這意味著1,500美元還不包括麻醉師。”
(from internet)
忘了說了,謝謝canhe百忙中來訪:)
哈哈,喜歡canhe的坦誠:)
問好!
問好fengdaming! 醉漢的問題很多啊:)
fengdaming,周末快樂!
是啊,小小,好悲劇!
小小,周末快樂!
醉漢什麽洋相都可能出：））
謝謝鬆鬆分享，周末快樂！
問好雪花,周末愉快!
哈哈,圓圓,你的快樂很有感染力~
圓圓,周末快樂!
我補看了以前的，一個人在那兒傻笑，我家老D以為我瘋了。。。
問好點點! 哈哈,唯物主義者都是十分堅強的人,欣賞點點高見:)
也祝點點周末快樂,元宵節快樂!