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1 花 Flowers
A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card, "Rest in Place." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I am really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location!' "
有一家公司開張,老板的一位朋友為了這件事要送他花。他們到達了新的公司地點，老板讀了卡片的內容:“安息吧”。老板非常生氣就打電話給花店抱怨。就在他告訴花店這項明顯的錯誤，以及他有多麽生氣之後,花店卻回答說：“先生,我真的對於這項錯誤感到十分抱歉,但是與其生氣,你還不如應當想象以下這個情況：今天有一個地方在舉行葬禮，他們收到了花，還附上一張紙條說：‘恭喜新居落成!’”
2 實驗室檢查 Laboratory Tests
Two children were sitting outside a clinic. One of them was crying very loudly.
2nd Child: Why are you crying?
1st Child:I came here for blood test.
2nd Child: So？Are you afraid?
1st Child: No. Not that. For the blood test, they cut my finger.
At this, the second one started crying. The first one was astonished.
1st Child: Why are you crying now?
2nd Child: I have come for my urine test!
有兩個小孩子坐在一間診療室外麵。其中一個小孩子哭得非常大聲。
第二位小孩子說：“你為什麽哭呀？”
第一位小孩子說：“我來這裏驗血呀”
第二位小孩子說：“那又怎樣？你害怕呀？”
第一位小孩子說：“不怕呀，又不是那樣啦。因為驗血的話，他們要割我的手指頭啦。”
一聽到這麽說，第二位小孩子就開始哭了，第一位小孩子就非常驚訝。
第一位小孩子說：“你現在為什幺哭呀？”
第二位小孩子說：“我來這裏做尿液檢驗的啦！”
3 烹飪課 Cooking Class
One day during cooking class, our teacher, Mrs. Brown was extolling her secrets for preparing perfect sauces. When she ordered us to the stoves to prepare our assignments, she said, "Don't forget to use wooden spoons." As I stirred my sauce, I contemplated the physics behind the mystery of the wooden spoon and decided it must have something to do with heat conduction. I approached Mrs. Brown to test my theory. "Why wooden spoons?"I asked. "Because," she replied, "If I have to sit here listening to all your metal spoons banging against metal pots,I will go nuts!"
一天在上烹飪課的時候，我們的老師布朗太太正在頌揚她：準備完美醬料的秘訣。當她把我們叫到爐子邊作準備工作時，她說：“別忘了要用木製的湯匙”。當我在攪拌醬料時，我一直苦思木製湯匙奧秘的背後所隱含的物理原理，然後認定它一定與熱傳導有關係。
我走向布朗太太來測試我的理論。我問：“為什麽要用木製湯匙呢？”她回答：“因為，如果我必須坐在這裏聽你們全部的金屬湯匙砰砰敲著金屬的鍋子，我會發瘋的”。
4 都在這一家 All in the family
Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good mostly. A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom, "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault, she talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the bad habit." Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back, "Please let me know if your idea work on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."
八歲大的莎莉從學校把她的成績報告卡帶回家。她的成績不錯，大部分都是A，還有幾個B。可是，她的老師在卡片下方寫道：“莎莉是個聰明的小女孩，但是她有一個毛病。她在學校太愛講話。我有一個想法我要來試試看，我認為．這個方法可能會讓她改掉這個壞習慣。”莎莉的爸爸簽了她的學習報告卡，並在卡片背麵寫道：“如果你的想法對莎莉很有效，請你讓我知道，因為我想要把它試用在她媽媽身上。”
5 拜訪醫師 The visit to the doctor
A Man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"
"No," he replied, "I have never done either."
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with woman?" inquired the doctor.
"No, I have never done any of those things either."
"Well then," said the doctor," what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"
一個男人問他的醫師是否認為他會活到一百歲。
醫師問這個男人：“你抽煙或喝酒嗎？”
他回答說：“不，我從不抽煙喝酒。”
醫師問說：“你賭博、開快車、玩女人嗎？”
“不，我也從不幹那些事情。”
醫師說：“那你幹嗎要活到一百歲呀？”
6 聯邦調查局的案件 A case for the FBI
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. "Hello?"
"Hello, is this FBI?"
"Yes, what do you want?"
"I am calling to report my neighbor Tom. He is hiding marijuana in his firewood."
"This will be noted." Next day, the FBI comes over to Tom's house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept, break every piece of wood, find no marijuana, swear at Tom and leave.
The phone rings at Tom's house.
"Hey, Tom! Did the FBI come?"
"Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?"
"Yeah, they did."
"OK, now it's your turn to call. I need my garden plowed."
聯邦調查局總部的電話響了。“喂？”
“喂，是聯邦調查局嗎？”
“是的，有何需要嗎？”
“我打電話是要檢舉我的鄰居湯姆。他在他的木柴中藏匿大麻。”
“我們會嚴加注意的。”次日，聯邦調查局來到湯姆的家。
他們搜查了存放木柴的庫房，把木柴劈成一塊一塊，沒有找到大麻，就對著湯姆口出穢言，然後離去。
湯姆家的電話響了。
“喂，湯姆，聯邦調查局有來你家嗎？”
“有呀”“他們有劈你們家的木柴嗎？”
“有呀，他們劈了呀。”
“好了，現在換你打電話了，我的菜園需要犁一下啦。”
( From Internet)
問好一幀! 新周快樂!
哈哈,canhe,千萬不要去嚐試那個訣竅~~~
canhe,周末快樂!
問好fengdaming!
謝謝點評,周末快樂!
南南好!
祝南南周末快樂!
哈哈,閑閑客,難道你也想偷懶~~~
閑閑客,周末快樂!
哈哈,問好娃娃樂! 有時小朋友的翻譯別具風味~
娃娃樂,周末快樂!
周末愉快！
問好晴!
晴,周末快樂!
鬆鬆周末愉快！
點點好! 幹家務敢找調查局的,那膽子也不是一般的大~ 花店的夥計也夠幽默的.即使白活,人們也願意長壽~ 你家早就不奏鍋碗瓢盆交響曲了呀~~~
點點,周末快樂!
哈哈,小小,就算我有賊心,也沒賊膽啊~~~
小小,周末快樂!
問好尼斯! 希望你不再心煩:)
尼斯,周末快樂!
第6個好玩，鬆鬆，我家需要挖幾個大坑種樹，你幫我打電話給FBI吧 ^o^
鬆鬆，周末快樂！
嗯,雪花,什麽銀都有~
雪花,,周末快樂!
問好貝卡! 很高興你喜歡這幾個:)
3)誰也沒想到老師怕吵.
4)這是遺傳啊.
6)估計FBI再不會上當了~
貝卡,周末快樂!
#3.Cooking Class: wooden spoons vs. metal spoons;
#4.All in the family: Like mother, like daughter;
#6.A case for the FBI: chop the wood & plow the garden.
問好nycman! 人活百年，自然不是為“賭博、開快車、玩女人”,隻是不知道那位醫生是怎樣想的:)
nycman,周末快樂!
人活百年，不應該為“賭博、開快車、玩女人”吧？