'say you love me, say you are my woman'

 


He whispers next to my ear.
"say you love me".
" I love you".
"say you are my woman"
"i am your woman".

but i am not your woman. i am my own woman.


From the depth of his eyes, i see the sparkle of tears. but he did not cry.all these years he only cried twice, for me, for us.
when i just met him, i was such a kid.
He said--" i never cry" and i said--"i will surely make you cry".He laughed hard, and remembered it as a joke( of me) .
Of course he cried for me. but i cried for him for so many times, i feel that my tears are dried out.


" you know, all these years, i saw your change, " he said--" before you make a big change, you always would experiance a long time of pain."
"yes, you are right. that pain was too long".
"then, once you change, you will never come back. and you will be happy."
"that's so right". a big smile comes up, i feel as if i am listening to my heart.
Who else would know me this well in this world?

Yes i am so happy now.
Somebody asked me, what on earth do i want ( from a man)??
what do i want? i asked myself.
I want love as a breeze of spring. no weight, no possession.
I will have no expectation from him, and he would have no expectation from me.
I only want happiness from love, no tears, no pain.

I know i am hurt deeply.
But i also had moved on and made the big change.
I am ready to find out about myself. i am ready to see the world again.

women tend to take man as their biggest decoration, without figuring out what they really want for themselves.
I use to believe men mean the door to the world. i envy their power, their intelligence. their cruity.
So i took a man of intelligence as my decoration.
it was when  i had taken his happiness as my happiness, his pain as my pain, i start to realize i lost myself.
then i lost him. then he lost me.

even now, we feel like family, we feel like friends, sometimes, we even feel like lovers like before,  i will never go back to my craziness to him and to a love affair.
until i got back my courage...to the world of passion.
right now i am so tired.

I know, for me,
it is hard to not wanting to pocess a man i like. but i try.

I will keep telling myself--
If you love somebody, set him free.