6/22, Summer solstice, montage of memory

it is quiet. only music is with me at this moment.


i saw something i was so frightened about.
i saw a girl that was crazy for him.i feel the desperation, i feel the long hopeless waiting. i saw the coldness from a man's heart. i was like that girl when i was 17. i was so in pain that i have such a deep sympathy for this kind of girl.
why i was so frightened? because i found myself liking him. even i know it is an illusion.even i know i should not.i am trying to refuse it. the more i refuse, the harder it is to resist.
"You know, i am really bad. I will have one girl after another."


1989, summer solstice.
i went to talk to teacher L.
I was so desperate. my parents hates me. He is with another girl. the city is a mess. i don't want to wake up in the morning because the sadness will overwhelm me.i look down from the 14th floor balcony and i don't know if i want to jump down.
maybe talking to L will help? at least she is an adult.


"I know everything" L told me, with a light smile on her face.
she told me he was with another girl. when i was waiting for him.
" I  know about you and him. And, if you want to know, he was with another girl in the class as well".
i was very quiet.
"this is what he said about you-- he was not serious about you." L said. how can she be this cold? why she tell me this? i don't want to know it!!
i remember at that moment, how my whole body turn into a piece of ice.


..." I like you" he said it in the darkness.
i closed my eyes. i felt the skin of a young boy's face for the first time in my life. it was amazingly soft, and gentle.
i see fireworks of sparkles blossom in front of my eyes.
maybe that huge amount of happiness worth any kind of pain afterwards?


i finally got over him after ten years. during those ten years i cannot mention his name. i hurt men, i got hurt by men. i play the games, the games was playing with me. i got settled, i uproot myself. China, US. sink into the deep shit of life, trying to get happy, then finally happy.


So today, i saw this poem. i heard the music. i remembered that summer solstice. was it that long time ago? in the river of time it is just a blink isn't it?


Summer solstice. from today, the day will get shorter, the night will get longer. it was always a day i would feel sad since i was little.


So you know what? who cares? anything goes, let's see what will happen next in my life.
" whatever lies ahead, it is worth to find out" my friend told me.

So let's find out.