禮拜五

禮拜五。溫度很低，陽光卻很好。 坐在窗內往外看，有一個溫暖的假象。如果真的在外麵走動走動，冷風吹的你一路小跑要趕快回來。 剛剛開完會，吃了點中飯。 好像有別人在看我的blog。本來是想給自己一個空間，隨便寫下任何東西。 在網上有時好像戴一個假麵具。誰寫自己真正的痛苦哀愁？隻把閃光，快樂的一麵示人。但誰都知道，誰沒有真正麵對自己的時刻？一個鑽石有５８個切麵，眩目的光彩來自它們的交匯。 也許隻是這一陣。工作，簽證，景況的緣故，讓我不快樂。career book上說的，如果你不能在工作中找到樂趣，then you don't know happiness。很大部分是這樣的。 報紙上的career 欄目說，如果你覺得有split personality，在工作上的時候覺得自己得表現出另一個人的樣子，不能真正做自己，那麽你就知道這個job對你是個wrong fit。我太知道了。早就知道了。我不是多早前就complaint過，憂心仲仲過，angry過，我再去pursuit　painting我就要人格分裂？我怎麽接受，綜合我畫畫的個性部分和做programmer的現實？南轅北轍。五馬拉著分別往不同的方向跑。可不分屍？ 很多人沒有這個問題。他們是happy with their life, with what they do.去做金融，做統計，做工程，做醫藥，等等等等。我帶著畫板回來碰見這樣一群人裏麵的幾個，我是不是象somebody from another planet? Too out of their world.　No imagination, no appreciation for art, no passion for languages and literature...They are like well-made machines built for accurately solving intricate science, engineering problems. How do they understand me? What do I have in common with them? It's even painful to hear some of them speak English. They need other people to fill in the sentences. Also what happened to their soft communication skills? Ugh. Don't even get me started. What pains me is now I am one of them. At least I am considered to be. I have to say I do not enjoy talking to them. As I write, I feel this anger swell up inside my chest. Okay. This is Friday. Let's think about something nice, something more enjoyable.