stuff some more

醍醐灌頂：

我總是對自己作出一付很節約的嘴臉

與此同時報著無比內疚的心情拚命浪費

這叫做不和諧地平衡著

《以下與以上無關》

typically i dont do nightmares, even though i scare very easily. i think this is a practice of self-preservation. on a sub-conscious level of course.

for example, when i saw the japanese/american movie grudge, i was frightened out of my hair i had to sleep with light on for almost a week. since i couldnt really sleep with the lights on (because the pressure from the light, apparently) i had to wear an eye mask. it's pretty comic, come to think of it. but my point is, when i finally did fall into sleep on those nights, i didnt have nightmare, not one bit.

so it's important to note that i nightmared last night.

i didnt feel so good yesterday evening, so i went to bad bright and early. then i woke up 1 am, extremely energized. so i started to read the book i have been reading for quite a few days. it's called the professor and the madman. basically, it's about the making of Oxford English Dictionary. it so happened that the segment i read at that time contained a depiction of one of the dictionary contributors, aka the mad man, cutting off his penis. i fell into sleep shortly after i read that. then i dreamt of a quite nasty story that contains body part - i wasnt told what that body part was, although my dream was very clear that it's definitely a body part.

sometimes, when i dream a bad - not nightmarish - dream, i'm able to remind myself, during the dream, that this is only a dream and i can wake up at will. for example, when i dream about having to write an exam that i know nothing about.

last night's dream disabled this most useful feature of my being. i woke up when i woke up. it was brutal.

i think, maybe this nightmare was allowed to happen because i didnt realize i would be scared.