拒絕回憶
Living in the now. And the best is yet to come.
(I was cleaning through my PC when I found the following - some of my random thoughts camouflaged as a quasi-story. My shabby broom. Anyway.)
Today is the day - she said to herself - today I'm going to tell him that I like him and I'd like to go out with him.
Empowered, determined, even a bit gallant; she smiled to herself in the mirror, decidedly.
She had been watching him for some time now. She almost imprinted in her mind the way he walked, the hand gestures he used when he talked. She had a mental image of his handsome face, the curve of his chin and the smile in his eyes. She felt envious of the friends he talked to, and she wanted to be one of them. As a matter of fact, she wanted to be his only, his best, friend.
Yet she knew next to nothing about him. She knew that he's in the same building as she was, that his office was on a higher floor. Sometimes she saw him going to the cafe for lunch, other times she saw him in the garage. But is he a nice person, a gentle person, a lovable person? She had no idea.
Nonetheless she wanted to say Hi. She wanted him to notice her.
Maybe he did already notice her, the way she did him? Sometimes when she looked his way, she thought she saw an acknowledging gaze from him. Or was that her imagination?
This is silly - she said to herself - he could be a total pervert. And what if I don't like him after I get to know him?
Then again what if he's everything that I ever wanted? Whenever this thought crossed her mind, she resented her censorious, or more precisely, cowardice nature.
You know what? I don't care if I make a perfect fool out of myself - she decided. I wanted to know more about him and that's all there is to it.
And today is going to be the day, she promised to herself. Today I will end this agonizing.
As if getting the nod from the Almighty, on her way to the elevators this morning, she saw him standing there waiting for the lifts, by himself. Her heart pounded like it's going to pop out of her mouth. She felt dizzy, like walking on cotton candies.
Then he saw her and he smiled.
Just as she opened her mouth to say hi, out of blue, she realized that there’s something she never thought through. What if all this fantasizing is just some kind of infatuation? What if it's not him that I like, rather it's the process of admiring somebody that I fall in love with. Maybe at the end of the day, not knowing for sure brews greater prospect for romance?
Time freezes, her surroundings churn and churn, and she’s lost in this particular time and space.
I dont know what "she" would do (since she's totally fabricated) - but if it were me, i'd rather fall on my face than regretting for eternity about what could have happened. So I think we are on the same page! ; )
thanks for directing me to this new site. glad you didn't "disappear." i agree with you, sometimes we just enjoy the feeling of falling in love. i wish the woman in this story eventually told that man she was infatuated with. life is too short to miss anything. take care.
at the same time i think it can be hard to tell apart:
a. love someone and
b. love the feeling of loving someone
of course the perfect scenario is that loving someone and enjoying the process of being in love with that same one.
xixi, i know very confusing...
There is no guy in this world has everything you want from him.:) I learned it hard way. So the best is not to expect anything and follow the flow. That is how I find my happiness.:)
cheers