正文
Dear you,
After all these arguments and conflicts, we are still together, tied, tired, tried, and trying, and see what life can offer.
You said there are parts that we do not like each other, and we can never change (essentially) these bits. To some extend, I agree with you (but I tend not to say 'never'). This seems true for everyone, every couple. Actually this is the very thing that makes life bravo.
The foundamental principle is that we try to discuss and understand, and try not to turn these parts into unsolvable disagreements.
The ultimate goal is to seek happiness for us, and for other people we love.
To put the above general goal into our daily practice, we may want to clarify our preferences, starting with mine, and please feel free to add yours
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
1. A tidy and clean home
2. A healthy life style
For example: fitness and exercises, balance of work and play, healthy diet and drinking, non-smoking, etc.
3. Personal development:
For example: career perspectives, interests such as dancing, music, slef-education, social network, friends, family, etc
4. Financial wel-being
For example: saving, investment, budget management
5. A dynamic learning environment in a relationship, including Communicating, Reasoning, Sharing, and Learning
There must be reasons, good or bad, logical or illogical, for doing anything, and these reasons can be explained and communicated.
Honesty is always the best policy, especially for those issues that can generate great tensions. If we lied to each other at some point, we know this lie will not go far, so try to confess at a conveninent time when both are calm. And we can work on the reasons behind and solutions beyond.
We trust each other and can learn from our achievements and pitfalls. We share our innest feelings, emotions, and life experiences.
We teach, inspire, and learn more about each other everyday, in an ever-changing environment that involves internal (ourselves) and external (other people) interactions.
6. Interdependent, Open-minded, Judgemental-free, and Passionate relationship.
It is the best way to prevent us from any damaging effects of a relationship, such as becoming slaves of jealousy, prejudice, possession, selfishness, distrust, revenge, anger, and fear, etc
7. Put each others' needs and demands at the centre of our life, and in doing so to develop a feeling of unitedness, belongingness, and fulfillment.
If any conflicts involved, communication and understanding should be sought for, based on the above principles
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
However, we do realise that there are many things in life, e.g. our behaviours, do not come out as we planned. Risks, errors, mysteries, and uncertainty, no matter how much we prefer the opposite, are omnipresent. After all, Life is Art, not Science.
With incomplete information and bounded rationality in decision making, we do not only make mistakes owing to unknown consequences ('try and err' strategy in risk management), we also do things with known bad consequences (irrational responses driven by impluses). Let me give two examples: 'Instant Mind Shutdown', and 'Convenient Lies'
For example, I burst into anger when you lied to me about your smoking, and then made an unthinkable decision, but regretted soon. This is a phenomena that one's brain has been controlled by the instant emtional temper that arose the secret of a certain chemical which prevents brain from going through normal thinking process; This happens to you often as well, say, when you heard that parents are coming over and may stay a bit longer time, your first response is to shout out 'NO', instead of discussing through and trying to understand my feelings towards my parents and where I am from. This instant 'shut-down' of minds occurs more often in narrow-minded, less educated, strong willed, and short tempered people.
When we have different opinions, we tend to accuse others being severely biased and insane, but actually we are no better if we have any opinions on anything at all. There is no right or wrong in one's opinion, as long as one does not force his/her opinion on others. Afterall, We are made and living in this society, social norms, customs, and perceptions penetrate our minds and behaviours.
Another example of irrational decision making is: you chose purposefully not telling me that you were married, or you were going to a festival with a woman that I am not comfortable with, and this happened at a critical time of moving home, leaving me alone to sort things out. Your reasonings are: 1) I may get upset if you tell me earlier, 2) I may prevent you from going, 3) I may have more arguments with you. Even you knew that it is bad to lie to the loved one, you still stepped into the situation to be a liar. It is obviously more 'convenient' for you to lie to me, but by doing so, you also put us into a situation to rethink this relationship: whether this relationship needs and can be built on lies? whether we can trust each other? and whether we are right persons for each other? Your behaviour can result in a disaster if we go back to the 'Instand Mind Shutdown' stage, which I did for a moment, and you sure felt the tension. Eventually I applied the above principles, and still trust you as a sensible and wise person, who would not normally deal things in this way, and would excert much self-control.
Uncertainty also means that even we are gifted with complete information and rationality, there are circumstances out of our control, good intention can end up in a trauma. When things go wrong, we are upset and under pressure, and tend to seek scapegoats. Ideally we would try to find the reasons behind, and work towards the solutions. Since at the moment, we are not very good at dealing with things at the spot, maybe it is more appropriate that exchange our opinions in written forms. Even we are not in trouble, we can still express our feelings, e.g. love, gratefulness, etc, by writing. It can be a note, a letter, an email, a drawing, basically, use anything to write anything.
This may be a bit pains-taking and time-consuming, however, it will reward us with an ever-lasting healthy relationship, and the utmost happiness we are seeking for in this life.
To put this long essay in short, two main points stand out:
Honesty is the best policy
Communication, especially in written forms, is important
Me
After all these arguments and conflicts, we are still together, tied, tired, tried, and trying, and see what life can offer.
You said there are parts that we do not like each other, and we can never change (essentially) these bits. To some extend, I agree with you (but I tend not to say 'never'). This seems true for everyone, every couple. Actually this is the very thing that makes life bravo.
The foundamental principle is that we try to discuss and understand, and try not to turn these parts into unsolvable disagreements.
The ultimate goal is to seek happiness for us, and for other people we love.
To put the above general goal into our daily practice, we may want to clarify our preferences, starting with mine, and please feel free to add yours
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
1. A tidy and clean home
2. A healthy life style
For example: fitness and exercises, balance of work and play, healthy diet and drinking, non-smoking, etc.
3. Personal development:
For example: career perspectives, interests such as dancing, music, slef-education, social network, friends, family, etc
4. Financial wel-being
For example: saving, investment, budget management
5. A dynamic learning environment in a relationship, including Communicating, Reasoning, Sharing, and Learning
There must be reasons, good or bad, logical or illogical, for doing anything, and these reasons can be explained and communicated.
Honesty is always the best policy, especially for those issues that can generate great tensions. If we lied to each other at some point, we know this lie will not go far, so try to confess at a conveninent time when both are calm. And we can work on the reasons behind and solutions beyond.
We trust each other and can learn from our achievements and pitfalls. We share our innest feelings, emotions, and life experiences.
We teach, inspire, and learn more about each other everyday, in an ever-changing environment that involves internal (ourselves) and external (other people) interactions.
6. Interdependent, Open-minded, Judgemental-free, and Passionate relationship.
It is the best way to prevent us from any damaging effects of a relationship, such as becoming slaves of jealousy, prejudice, possession, selfishness, distrust, revenge, anger, and fear, etc
7. Put each others' needs and demands at the centre of our life, and in doing so to develop a feeling of unitedness, belongingness, and fulfillment.
If any conflicts involved, communication and understanding should be sought for, based on the above principles
**** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** **** ****
However, we do realise that there are many things in life, e.g. our behaviours, do not come out as we planned. Risks, errors, mysteries, and uncertainty, no matter how much we prefer the opposite, are omnipresent. After all, Life is Art, not Science.
With incomplete information and bounded rationality in decision making, we do not only make mistakes owing to unknown consequences ('try and err' strategy in risk management), we also do things with known bad consequences (irrational responses driven by impluses). Let me give two examples: 'Instant Mind Shutdown', and 'Convenient Lies'
For example, I burst into anger when you lied to me about your smoking, and then made an unthinkable decision, but regretted soon. This is a phenomena that one's brain has been controlled by the instant emtional temper that arose the secret of a certain chemical which prevents brain from going through normal thinking process; This happens to you often as well, say, when you heard that parents are coming over and may stay a bit longer time, your first response is to shout out 'NO', instead of discussing through and trying to understand my feelings towards my parents and where I am from. This instant 'shut-down' of minds occurs more often in narrow-minded, less educated, strong willed, and short tempered people.
When we have different opinions, we tend to accuse others being severely biased and insane, but actually we are no better if we have any opinions on anything at all. There is no right or wrong in one's opinion, as long as one does not force his/her opinion on others. Afterall, We are made and living in this society, social norms, customs, and perceptions penetrate our minds and behaviours.
Another example of irrational decision making is: you chose purposefully not telling me that you were married, or you were going to a festival with a woman that I am not comfortable with, and this happened at a critical time of moving home, leaving me alone to sort things out. Your reasonings are: 1) I may get upset if you tell me earlier, 2) I may prevent you from going, 3) I may have more arguments with you. Even you knew that it is bad to lie to the loved one, you still stepped into the situation to be a liar. It is obviously more 'convenient' for you to lie to me, but by doing so, you also put us into a situation to rethink this relationship: whether this relationship needs and can be built on lies? whether we can trust each other? and whether we are right persons for each other? Your behaviour can result in a disaster if we go back to the 'Instand Mind Shutdown' stage, which I did for a moment, and you sure felt the tension. Eventually I applied the above principles, and still trust you as a sensible and wise person, who would not normally deal things in this way, and would excert much self-control.
Uncertainty also means that even we are gifted with complete information and rationality, there are circumstances out of our control, good intention can end up in a trauma. When things go wrong, we are upset and under pressure, and tend to seek scapegoats. Ideally we would try to find the reasons behind, and work towards the solutions. Since at the moment, we are not very good at dealing with things at the spot, maybe it is more appropriate that exchange our opinions in written forms. Even we are not in trouble, we can still express our feelings, e.g. love, gratefulness, etc, by writing. It can be a note, a letter, an email, a drawing, basically, use anything to write anything.
This may be a bit pains-taking and time-consuming, however, it will reward us with an ever-lasting healthy relationship, and the utmost happiness we are seeking for in this life.
To put this long essay in short, two main points stand out:
Honesty is the best policy
Communication, especially in written forms, is important
Me
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