【關於子女教育】zt伊敏

歧視事件的全過程，供白區父母參考


（一）


周一去field trip 時感覺孩子受到不公正待遇。在前台投訴被孩子同學聽見部分爭吵。回家後給負責人寫了封信，抄送學校老師，校長及教育局分管小學的領導。信中先描述孩子起了大早的興奮和盼望，在展廳裏的活動。再轉到後麵的故事，摘抄部分：

After finishing the project that the staff had required, the 18 kids sat on the long bench. They became very excited when the staff put the milk snake around her neck. Kids were eager to ask questions. My daughter was one of them. The staff answered all the kids' questions, even the one sat just beside my daughter, but never looked at my daughter. . My daughter kept raising her hand even though the arm was very tired. She insisted on raising her hand, hoping the staff would allow her to ask the question. One minute, two minutes, three, four...ten....I couldn't bear to look at the sad scene so I approached to the teacher and told her my daughter had been raising her hand for a long time, could she help to let the staff notice. After a while, the staff stood just in front of the teacher. The teacher said there was a student raising her hand...However, before the teacher could finish her words, the staff signaled another student 3 feet away from my daughter to ask a question. The staff paid no attention to the teacher, obviously. It went on and on, everybody noticed my daughter wanted to ask a question except this staff.

When the activity was over, I went to my daughter, what is your question? she said no, I don't have a question. I said "You raised your hand so long and now you tell me you don't have a question?"she said "no！I don't have a question!!!" But her eyes were full of tears.
I waited to be the last one in the room and asked the staff why she did not allow my daughter to ask a question. She pretended to be so surprised and said "oh, I am sorry, I did not see her." There was no sorry in her eyes, only willingly admitted sorry from her mouth.
She did not see, really? When the teacher saw, when other parents saw ( one parent comforted me later saying what I did was understandable and took it easy), the staff was not able to see? Is she blind or is my daughter too dark for the staff to detect?
I apologize being emotional at the front desk. But please tell me which mother, black, white or Asian, can tolerate her own child belittled under so many eyes? When her daughter felt hurt with tears, which mother can say it is Okay, the staff just does not want to answer your question? Under what judgement can the staff ignore a child's question?
I went to the reserve with the teacher's reminder to volunteer mothers deep in heart:
Thanks for agreeing to assist with this field trip. Our schedule is divided into four activities and lunch. You may have to resume the role of the teacher/responsible adult during our activities. I greatly appreciate your time today to enjoy this great resource.
1. While inside the building, your role will be to ensure the students are listening to the presentation, politely raising their hands, and staying on task with the activities. We are representing XX School, so helping make sure students are respectful and well-behaved as learners would be greatly appreciated.
During the session with the staff, I will ask you do make sure the students are being respectful of the staff for listening, following directions, and staying on task. Do NOT be afraid to step in and make sure the students are doing what they need to be doing. .
My daughter is polite, respectful and well-behaved, what did she get in return?......

I strongly feel this staff does not qualify to work with kids. She represents XX center but in a shameful way.

信發出去後，校長立刻給我打了電話，說她會盡快調查這件事，向她的上司匯報，兩天之內一定給我回信。

又過了一會，負責人，就是和我在前台爭吵的人，回了封信，抄送所有人並加了另一位同校教師，估計和他們經常有聯係。

I have spoken with the staff about this incident and we all feel very badly that you and your daughter did not enjoy your time at XXX. We work very hard to educate children about the natural world and to help them see themselves as participants in nature. We have for many years had the pleasure of having XX school visit.
The implication that we would not call on your daughter because of her skin color is incorrect. That attitude would have no place in our program. It would be antithetical to what we trying to accomplish. Many children raise their hands and because of time limitations we cannot call on everyone.
I would be happy to meet with you to talk further about this incident if you feel that would be helpful.


（二）

老公回家後，我們問孩子情況，她不肯說，堅持說都忘了。我們解釋這是幫助她，爭執不是丟臉的事。她擔心如果同學知道了，就都不理她了。我說如果同學知道她被unfairly treated, 他們應該支持她，而不是疏遠。她說她的問題在最後被回答了。我很驚訝，因為我沒有看見。老公說我做得太倉促，這下他們會有完全的理由說沒有歧視，因為回答她問題了。

這時老師給我單獨來了封信：

I am so sorry that you feel this way. I know XX was being very respectful and a wonderful representation of a XX student today. I feel badly that she did not have a positive experience.
I wanted to let you know that as the snake was brought out, XX did get a chance to ask her question right before we transitioned to the new activity. You can double-check with her, but I believe her question was regarding the scientific name of the snake (commenting if it was "Orangish Reptilia" or something along those lines). The staff member said that she could find the actual scientific name on the plaque next to the snake's container/aquarium. This happened as students were getting a chance to pet the snake, so there was a lot happening all at once.
Once again, I deeply apologize for your concerns. XX is fortunate to have a parent who cares so deeply. I greatly appreciate that you took the time to come and help today, and I hope you come to volunteer again in the future.

在被動的情況下，老公寫了一封信。如果說我的是炸彈，他的就是導彈了：

Dear Mr. XX,

First, thank you very much for your quick email response.

However, after checking with my wife and my daughter about the whole procedure for the incident, I feel that it is too hasty to draw the conclusion now that “ The implication that we would not call on your daughter because of her skin color is incorrect.”

Here is the information I have obtained from my wife and my daughter (Please correct me if any part of the information is not accurate.):

省去重複細節加補充孩子提供的情節，並更正孩子問題被回答。

他把情況類比到大學教室。

。。。 there are minority students and it is a common case that multiple students want to ask questions at the same time. However, I cannot imagine such scenario will happen in a classroom:

The only black student among 18 students raised his hand and wanted to ask a question, the instructor kept ignoring him, called other students, and answered their questions. Some of those students raised their hands after the black student raised his hand, and some students were called twice. The instructor never looked at the black student, and the black student kept raising his hand and hoped that the instructor will allow him to ask the question. Such situation lasted a long time and everybody noticed that the black student wanted to ask a question except the instructor.

When no any other student had a question to ask and some students started to leave the classroom, the staff called the black student finally and answered his question.

If such incident does happen, I am quite sure how the black student will think about the instructor: “he did not call me because of…”

For sure both my wife and me are willing to meet you to talk further about this incident. In order to help us understand the incident better and get more third-party opinions, I suggest to add more people into the meeting. Everyone in the mail list should be invited to attend the meeting. If necessary, we can also invite humanity professors at XX university to attend the meeting and get professional advice from them. As a scientist and researcher, I believe that open discussion is the best way to help us approach the truth and draw correct conclusions.

Thank you for your time to read my email and I am looking forward to hearing from you about our meeting soon.

（三）

周二，負責人單獨給我老公回了封信，簡短地說同意見麵。

老公說看來他們軟了，想收縮了。說不如我們也退一步，問我怎麽想。我說好，如果隻有我們去見他，我要攝像，留會議記錄。老公說估計你攝像他們就不談了。我們商定，先看看，如果感覺不好就要求錄像。

見麵時間定在周四上午。

下午接孩子回來，她說有四個半同學問，what happened to your mom?

我說他們怎麽知道的？They heard you at the frond desk.

你怎麽跟他們說的？I denied everything.

為什麽還有半個？Well, he tried to ask,but I hushed him.

我一直試圖和她探討這件事，感覺她完全封閉自己。

晚上練琴時，她突然跑過來說，Mom，I have a strong feeling, XX center will never allow XX school 4th graders to visit again.

那一刻，我非常難過。這孩子把一切都攬到自己身上，覺得都是自己的錯。想起在離婚過程中，孩子往往覺得父母離婚是因為自己不夠乖。這件事對孩子的傷害一定很大，我擔心在以後類似情景中，她還敢不敢舉手，雖然她告訴我她還是會的。

想了一個晚上，決定和心理醫生約時間。

周三，放學，問孩子還有人問沒有，沒有了。看來事件開始淡化。

晚上，校長來電話，說知道我們第二天的見麵。我告訴她，我們準備低調對待這件事，我們是peaceful people.事件鬧大對誰都沒好處。校長說周二，她和 孩子單獨談話。她問，你的問題回答了嗎，孩子說是。再問，聽說你舉了很久的手？孩子說，I have nothing to say.I have a spelling test. I have to go. 然後就跑了。

孩子完全沒有告訴我校長找她談話了。又開始悲憤。覺得學校有責任給孩子心理輔導。老公說，千萬別和學校鬧。現在他們知道家長有牙，會小心對待我們，一旦開咬，雖然不說什麽，將來一定有無數機會給孩子穿小鞋，難受的是孩子。好，我忍了。自己出錢找心理醫生讓孩子能夠順利度過難關。


（後續）

昨晚讓老公給負責人發了感謝信，具體內容不詳。

我給校長和老師發信感謝他們的幫助，讓此事件由開始的sadness 變成最後的happy ending. 並告知今天讓孩子把syrup 帶到教室，讓大家分享。

有一些教訓，比如不該在前台過於激動，應該不聲張，回來寫信抗議，這樣對孩子的傷害會小很多。雖然此事不是因我而起，但是畢竟因我的強烈反應讓孩子在全班麵前感到媽媽不cool.

對於是否要求道歉和懲罰，那都是虛的，他們知道錯了，會有改進。你對他們讓一步,他們會配合我的要求。

對我而言最重要的是，孩子在全班同學麵前丟的麵子，我讓他們在全班麵前給我孩子撿回來了。

孩子在學校一直是聽老師話的好學生，性格太溫和，不知道或不敢鬧事。

等事情平靜一些，我會跟她談談再有類似情況如何對應，比如不必一直舉手，可以搖晃引起注意等等。

補充昨天會上我說的幾句話，當他們強調中心對孩子們學習科學知識的重要性時我說yes, kids are her to learn nature, the truth of nature, not the truth of some unpleasant HUMAN nature.他們點頭無言。

還有，I understand the world is not perfect,but we adults have our complete view of the world, but kids are in the developing stage,we need extra care.他們繼續點頭。

我出頭是因為我不希望孩子受到不公平待遇忍忍就算了，這對她的人格發展非常不好。但是我不鬧大也是為了她在學校的處境。讓學校知道家長是合作的，不是挑事的，但是我們有能量。如果以後有什麽事發生，會多想一想我們的反應。

今天早上，孩子心情很好，我們知道她在學校會開心。

（伊敏是我的好朋友，他們一家人包括可愛的女兒我都見過，今天在子女壇看到了這麽大，也可以說是可大可小的事情發生在他們的家庭，我也很擔心，還好最後看到的是happy ending，也就放心。。但是整個事情是很值得父母同仁思考的，如何保護好自己的孩子，麵對明顯的歧視，該怎麽做,其實也是很茫然的，種族歧視是一直存在，我們亞裔一直就是汪洋中飄蕩的小船，weak。。這就是why我明知道小林球打得還不是那麽的好，但是同為亞裔華人我就是要狠誇他，死挺他，不要林瘋狂，要的是林長久，長久的給我們華裔長臉爭氣。。如果可以不上升到榮神益人的高度，單憑一個母親的平常心，希望林書豪等優秀小孩交出的一份份漂亮考卷，能震撼這個歧視無處不在的世界，給亞裔的小孩，每個小孩，一個同台競爭，平等的機會。。。）