今天是我生命中最最sad的一天（寫於2009年5月14日）

這兩天腦子裏一直想著給大家講講在美國做醫生的辛苦和甜蜜，尤其對女孩子學醫來說，早上上班路上還在回憶幾個曾經共事過的女醫生包括住院醫生。每當回憶我在美國做住院醫或在美國工作的經曆，John 的音容笑貌總是最先跳進我腦海。。。 我來美國幾個月就參加了住院醫考試，期間有很多好人相助，沒有在美國工作一天就直接進了外科做住院醫。由於對美國工作和生活環境很不熟悉，突然進入外科住院醫訓練，可想困難有多大。我第一輪跟的是John。 John為人非常descent and graceful，天生的compassionate,humor and caring。在頭兩個月煉獄般的training期間，他給了我無數的關照和鼓勵。至今仍記得，最初的幾天，經過24小時外科on-call，第二天還要查房，處理病人，最後還要把完整病例經電話口述記錄。人那時累的如行屍走肉般連哭的力氣都沒了。一天John過來說我來給你作dictation吧,我咬咬牙說我能做（當時眼淚直在我眼圈裏打轉轉，隻好別過頭去），他走過來摸摸我的頭，深歎一口氣,什麽都沒說。就這一聲歎氣，一個輕輕的摸頭，讓我在極端困難的環境裏感到無限的溫暖。以後我們又在一起輪轉了幾次，讓我有機會從他那裏學到更多的東西。我經常給LG講John對我的幫助，我還知道了John的definition 就是God of gracious...... John是最好的team leader,輪轉trauma時，再危及的情況經他指揮都會變得井井有條。他wife是兒科醫生，他經常給我們講他wife,講他老家後麵有條鐵路，講他brother也考上了medical school. 後來還給我們看他第一個孩子的照片，真的很漂亮啊。 John 是trauma surgeon(他天生就有一種大義淩然，榮辱不驚，發自內心的compassionate,絕對是做trauma醫生的好材料),我後來做了專科。十幾年來，我時不時想起John，想起他對弱者的同情和關照，想起他對我的鼓勵和讚許。。。。(I am in tearing...) 不知為什麽我最近總是想起他，加上要給大家寫有關住院醫生的經曆，我今天利用一點空閑時間上網google他的名字。突然跳進我眼簾的是“John was killed in Iraq". 我當時一愣，死都不相信那是我認識的John 。 於是我避過那一條，點了John 的faculty profile. 這一頁展現的是我熟悉的似乎一點沒變的笑容，和讓我愣了很久的噩耗。。。。John, a trauma surgeon, was killed in iraq by enemy mortar, on Christmas day,  我眼淚一下就流出來了，follow the webside, 我找到了他和他家人建立的網站，一條條讀了他和他家人寫的所有blog...... 我為今生能認識John而感到自豪。 John， rest in peace, you will be missed forever! (in tearing......) 下麵是他第二次去Iraq前寫的，建議大家讀一下。 I had been dreading the conversation for weeks. I finally found the right time while my four year old was being captivated by a episode of wonderpets on Noggin. I called the older two kids into our sunroom far enough away from John John that he wouldn’t hear our conversation. I didn’t know how to begin, and with my intial studdering and delay the kids began to get concerned. As a trauma surgeon, I knew from years of breaking bad news to families that often the best way to start is with the painful facts. “Daddy is going back to Iraq” The words had an immediate impact, and Danielle, my 10 year-old daughter began to cry. Along with her, Frankie who is now 8, got up from the chair he was sitting in and came to the couch and we all collapsed into one big sobbing hug. My plan to contain the scene worked as far as John John did not hear the commotion in the sunroom. Forty-five seconds and only a few words to deliver, the message clearly changed the kids world in a deep way. My first deployment as an Army reserve Surgeon was a blurr.. The two years from the time I took the oath of office to become a reservist to the day I left for the first deployment seemed like a time warp. The only recollection I have of that time is the daily torrents from my wife Carmela about my decision to join the army, and her ongoing disbelief that I could intentionally put her and the children through this ordeal. Less emotional, but still personal, was the effect my leaving had on my colleagues at the Trauma center at the University of Pennsylvania. The surgeons I work with are more than colleagues they are my extended family. My leaving meant they would have to cover my responsibilities – which in many cases meant more time for them apart from their families. Some had to curtail vacations and give up some professional opportunities. In retrospect, I balanced all of these sacrifices with an overwhelming feeling of service and duty. I felt, and still do to an extent, that I had a skill set in trauma surgery that would help the soldiers, the army and by extension, the mission in Iraq. I have always had a great sense of patriotism, and felt that it was an obligation for me to serve, especially during a time of war. Without any real military experience to temper my altruism, I was excited to serve. I even felt a sense of adventure peppered with a healthy dose of male bravado. I wanted to go to war. This time is much different. Although I will never regret serving, and I am fully volunteering for this next deployment, I have having deep reservations. Although with the same sense of patriotism, I now feel that I am dragging my family into a commitment that they never agreed to join. Since returning from Iraq, I have come to realize that there are two types of Americans – those that understand duty, honor, country – and those who do not. It is not a measure of how good of a person they are, or even how good of a citizen they are. It is just that some people understand sacrifice for ones country, and some do not. My wife does not see the honor in serving, and instead she sees three children that need their father. My children may understand why there is a war, but they do not understand why I need to go to the war. By singing up to do this, I inadvertently drafted the people I love the most into a very serious commitment that they did not want to make. It was unfair, and I now regret that I am putting them through this for so long. Likewise, my professional colleagues have become fatigued and impatient with military deployments. I am one of several surgeons in my division that have been called into service. This has created significant hardships for our division of surgery and for the trauma center as a whole. With the unprecedented role of reserve units in all aspects of the war on terror, the continued call up of citizen soldiers is straining relationships in many workplaces. Although my team is always supportive and gracious externally, I know that there are feelings of frustration and anger under the surface. In the center of the swirling emotions I have about going back to Iraq is the cold hard realization that I need to go back to Iraq. Although the combat tempo continues to improve monthly, Iraq and Afghanistan remain extremely dangerous places. Perhaps being blinded by excitement, I completely under-estimated the danger of working in Iraq during my first tour. There is no safe haven in country, no “behind the lines.” The war is everywhere, all of the time. And beyond the actual threat of IEDs, mortars and snipers, there are thousands of ways to get hurt by accident. Helicopters crash, cars roll over in ditches, young soldiers accidentally discharge their weapons, building collapse, there are friendly fire mishaps- it is an endless OSHA nightmare. The culmination of all this is a deep depression about leaving in December. I also feel a great deal of anger – anger that the war s still gong on, frustration that young kids are still getting hurt and killed and that the brunt of suffering of the Iraqi people continues. Unlike the first time, when everything seemed clear and precise, I feel this tour is pushing my family, my colleagues and my luck over the edge. I concluded our talk in the sunroom with many hugs and kisses. My message to them, and to my wife, my to my mom and dad, and to everyone I work with is this - I am sorry that I have to go back to Iraq. I am sorry that you were all dragged into this commitment. To my colleagues I know you have my back and I will find a way to return the favor somehow in the future. To Danielle, Frankie and John, I pray that someday you understand why I joined the Army, why I had to go to Iraq. To Carmela, I love you more than anything in the world, and I am sorry I have put you through so much. To everyone, I hope that you forgive me for making you unwilling compatriots in this seemingly unending saga.