Exercise 4

在美國的困惑：回國還是不回？(ZT)


2005年6月12日13:46 寄托天下


　　在美國呆的時間長了，你會發現，幾乎你所遇見的每一個中國人，都是一個祥林.嫂。
他們喋喋不休地反反複複地披星戴月地不斷追問你追問自己：以後想不想回國？以後想不想回國？以後想不想回國？……

　　回還是不回，這真是一道算也算不清的多元方程題。

　　曾經，出國留學讀學位，畢業留美找工作，娶妻生子買house，是一個水到渠成毋庸置疑的選擇。但突然有一天，“市場經濟的春風吹遍了祖國的大地”，一直在美國的實驗室、公司小隔間裏默默耕耘著的中國人猛地抬頭，發現太平洋彼岸，祖國的大地上已千樹萬樹梨花開了。

　　緊接著，“壞消息”接踵而來。留學生開始聽說以前住他隔壁的張三已經是國內某某大公司的經理了；還有那個人不怎麽地的李四，聽說他小蜜已經換了半打了；

　　然後，在一次回國的旅途中，他發現自己在美國吃的、穿的、玩的、樂的，隻能望國內朋友們的項背了；還發現自己在為一個小數據的打印錯誤而向自己的部門經理頻頻道歉點頭哈腰的同時，他的老同學，那個以前遠遠不如他的王二，此刻正坐在KTV包間裏打著手機，說“那個房地產的項目貸款，我們還可以再協商協商……”

　　他也免不了察覺，自己的全部精神生活——如果他年少時候的“憤.青”氣息還沒有被美國的陽光徹底曬化的話——就是窩在某個中文論壇，發兩句明天就要被版主當作垃圾清理掉的牢騷而已，而與此同時，他的某某朋友已經成了國內媒體上的“專家學者”，在那些激動人心的關於“轉型”的辯論中頻頻發言……

　　不錯，他的確，或最終會，住上美麗的房子。在經過那麽多年辛辛苦苦地讀書、膽戰心驚地找工作之後，“美國夢”實現了。買了大房子，門外有草坪、草坪外有柵欄、柵欄裏有花叢。可是，說到底，有一天，他在院子裏澆花的時候，突然沮喪地意識到，這樣的生活，不過是那曾經被他恥笑的農民理想“麵朝黃土背朝天，老婆孩子熱炕頭”的美國版本而已。

　　那麽，他到底還要些什麽呢？生活裏到底還有些什麽比“麵朝黃土背朝天，老婆孩子熱炕頭”更偉大更性.感更美麗呢？更大的房子？他現在的房子已經大得可以鬧鬼了。 更正宗的夫妻.肺.片？說實話，出國這麽多年，他已經對辣的不那麽感冒了。更多的工資？那是當然，不過他下次漲工資的日子其實也不遠了……

　　說到底，他內心的隱隱作疼，與這一切“物質生活”都沒有什麽關係，他所不能忍受的，是“曆史的終結”，是那種生活的“盡頭感”，是曾經奔湧向前的時間突然慢下來、停下來、無處可去，在他家那美麗的院子裏，漸漸化為一潭寂靜的死水。窗外的草坪，那麽綠，綠得那麽持之以恒，那麽兢兢業業，那麽克盡職守，那麽幾十年如一日，簡直就像是……死亡。

　　而國內的生活呢？雖然據說有很多腐.敗，有很多貧富差距，小孩子有做不完的作業，農民有跑不完的上訪，工人在不停下崗，甚至據說還曾經有人在路上走著走著就給逮進去打死了，可是，對於有誌青年，中國這個大漩渦，是一個多麽大的“可能性”的礦藏：憤.青有那麽多東西可戰鬥，資青有那麽多鈔票可以賺，文青有那麽多感情可以抒發——曆史還遠遠沒有抵達它的盡頭，未來還坐在紅蓋頭裏麵激發他的想象力，他還可以那麽全力以赴地向它奔跑，並且從這全力以赴中感受到“意義”凜冽的吹拂。

　　如果是這樣，幹嘛不回國算了？難言之痛，一回了之。

　　這時候，他又開始囁嚅。他開始懷疑自己對國內的種種向往，也許隻是“距離產生的美感”。他開始擔心如果湊近了觀察，會看到祖國臉上的麻子和粉刺。“畢竟，在中國創業，是要靠關係的，我又沒有什麽關係，回去也白回去。”他說。“美國再怎麽不好，基本上還是一個憑本事和能力吃飯的地方，至少還有公平可言，不用平白無故受很多氣。”他又說。

　　接著，他想到國內走到哪裏人們都是一擁而上沒人排隊隨地吐痰環境汙染嚴重，他感到頭疼。又想到國內那些衣衫襤褸的民工一天工作12個小時到年底竟然可能拿不到工資，他感到齒冷。還想到那些個被假藥假酒假奶粉毒.害的人們，因此又不可避免地感到胃疼。他越想越多，越想越疼，越想越害怕，最後不可避免地抵達了“文.明”、“民.主”、“法.治”等光芒四射的高度。

　　於是他陷入了僵局。他一會兒想到國內張三李四王二的刺激生活，一會兒又想到了國外王二李四張三的安穩命運。國內的生活，他看不到上限，因而充滿希望，但也看不到下限，因而特別危險；國外的生活，他看得到下限，因而感到安全，但也看得到上限，所以特別乏味。國內的生活像是買股票，可能升得快，也可能跌得快；而國外的生活像是定期存款，掙不到哪裏去，卻也虧不到哪裏去。啊，海外的遊子，一個個高學曆、高收入、高素質的三高“白骨精”，就這樣被逼成了成天喋喋不休自言自語的“祥林嫂”。

　　有一次回國，我和幾個朋友吃飯，其中一個說“你回國吧，中國多複雜啊……”複雜，嗯，就是這個詞，恰切，精確。對於一個有胃口的靈魂來說，“複雜”是多麽基本的一種需要，而康州陽光下的郊區，美得那麽純粹，那麽安靜，對於習慣惹是生非的人來說，說到底是一種災荒。

　　對“複.雜”的向往，讓我暗暗希望，自己能過一輩子東跑西竄、顛沛流離的生活。這個願望，使我覺得，自己是多麽貪婪的一個人。貪圖安穩，又貪戀刺激，有了Mr. China，還要Mr. USA。不，回不回國，不僅僅是一個“創業”的問題，甚至不僅僅是一個“文化”的問題，如果說這種貪婪是一種“犯.賤”的話，我堅持要把它推卸到“娜拉的悲劇”這個哲學命題上去：

　　在曆史的道路上，人們披荊斬棘、奮勇前進，可是到達了曆史的終點之後，啊，站在美利堅五月的美麗風景裏，我驚恐而又傷感地想，人們對那坎坷不平然而激蕩人心的道路，又犯起了“思鄉病”。

[GuoLuke2]

Dilemma in the United States: Go back or not?
Once you've been in the United States for a long period of time, you'll find that almost every Chinese you met was a Sister-in-law Xianling. They repeatedly ask themselves day and night without stopping the same question: Have you thought about going back to China in the near future? Have you? Have you?...
Go back or not? This is a multidimensional math problem that sometimes seems entirely beyond us.

Not many years ago, all these are natural decisions: go abroad to obtain a degree, stay in the US to get a job after graduation, get married and buy a house. However, someday, all of a sudden, "The spring wind of market economy blows all over the mainland China". Those Chinese who were working in laboratories or company's small cubes without being noticed in the US, looked up someday and found on the other side of the pacific ocean, pear flowers are blooming all over the mainland already.
And "bad news" followed. People started to be informed that his former next-door neighbor had already been a senior manager of a big company in China; that low-level Dick had already changed his young female secretaries for half-a-dozen times.
And in a travel back to the motherland followed, he found the foods he was eating, the clothing he was wearing, the games he was playing, and the entertainment he was enjoying in the US all became nothing compared to what his friends were having in China. He also found, while he was apologizing to his department manager because of a small typo of some insignificant data, his old classmate, that Wang Er who was not as good as him and not even close to him in every respects, was sitting in some private luxury KTV room making cell-phone calls--"Regarding to the loan of that real estate project, there is still some space left for our discussing..."
He unavoidably found that all his spiritual live--if his rebelling character that could be traced to his early childhood had not been dried out by the US sunshine--was to perch in some Chinese BBS, grumbling some comments that certainly would be cleaned by the admin as garbage tomorrow. In the mean time, his friend John Doe had become famous as an "expert" according to the media in China and were giving speeches frequently here and there in those exciting discussions about the "reforms of the country-owned enterprises".

Sure, he does live in or will be able to live in a beautiful house. After so many years of diligent study at school and frightful journey of job-hunting, his "American Dream" has been realized. He bought a big house that has front yards covered with grass and a back yard planted with flowers and secured by fences. However, all in all, one day, when he was watering his flowers in his back yard, he suddenly felt that such a life was just the American version of a Chinese peasant's dream--"Facing the brown dirt and pointing his back to the sky, wife and children all resting on the heated bed" and that was what he laughed at.
Then, what does he want really? What else in life is greater, sexier, and prettier then the Chinese peasant's dream? A bigger house? His current house is bigger enough to be haunted by ghosts already. A more genuine dish of Couple Lung Slices? To be honest, after so many year abroad, he was not that interested in hot dishes anymore. More salary? That's for sure and the day of his next salary raise was not far away.
All in all, his heart hurts deeply inside, which has nothing to do with all these mentioned aspects of the "material life". What he cannot withstand is the "historical ending", is the sense of the end of such a life, is the time that was flying just slowed down, stopped, has nowhere to go, and just transformed into a tranquilized pool of water in his beautiful yard. Outside of the window, the grass is still green, so green as it ever was, so green as it ever could be, so green as if it has not changed in the past two decades, and almost as like--death.

How about the life back in China? Even though there is a lot of corruption, there is huge difference between the poor and the rich, there is too much homework for your children to do, there are numerous complaints for peasants to file, there are more and more unemployed workers, and it is heard that somebody working on the road was taken into custody and beaten to death, for ambitious youth like us, China is a big swirl and a mine with unlimited potential. Unsatisfied youths have so many resources to fight on, capitalized youths have so much wealth to be able to earn, and cultural youths have so many emotions to express—history is still far, far away from its end point and the future is still sitting covered by the red scarf to stretch his imagination. He can still run forward in his full speed, benefit from it, and in the mean time realize some sophisticated meaning.

If things are like this, why don't you go back? All these unsayable hurts can be cured with one single act -- go back.
At this time, he started to hesitate again. He started doubting his desire to go back. The beauty might be contributed by the distance. He started worrying that if he checks out his homeland really close, he may see the pocks and acnes on her face. "After all, to do business in China, relationships are indispensable. Because I don't have any relationships in China, going back won't do me any good." he said. "The U.S. is bad but at least it is a place that you can make a living with your capability and caliber. At least there is fairness in the U.S. and you don't have to suffer a lot without any valid reason." he continued.
The next, he thought of the scenes of people surrounding up suddenly and nobody will care to line up, the scenes of people spitting everywhere, and the contaminated environment. His head started to hurt. Thinking of the fact that those poor peasant workers work 12 hours a day and cannot get the salary they were promised to get, he could not repress a shiver. Thinking of those ordinary people suffered from fake medicine, fake spirit, and even fake milk powders, his stomach inevitably aches. The more he thinks, the more it aches. The more he thinks, the more he is frightened. At last, he inevitably reaches the sparkling high level of "civilization", "democracy", and "law".

Upon that he stuck there. One minute he thought of the spicy lives of John and Jane in China, and the next minute he thought of the stable lives of Jack and Jill in the U.S. As for the lives in China, he cannot see the upper limit and thus it is exciting. However, he cannot see the lower limit also, and this is where the danger is. As for the lives in the U.S., he can see the lower limit and thus feel safe. In the meantime, he can also see the upper limit and it makes him bored. The lives in China are like buying stocks whose prices can surge and can also slump while the lives in the U.S. are like depositing money in a savings account where your money cannot appreciate very much and cannot depreciate either. Ah, overseas students and scholars who has high education, high earnings, and high quality, are driven crazy to become a sister-in-law Xingling who talks to herself without stopping.
In the trip back to China, I was having dinner with several friends. One of them said: "Come back! China is so sophisticated…" Yes, "sophisticated", this is the word I was looking for. It is so accurate and precise. For a soul that has desires, "sophisticated" is such a basic need. In contrast, the pure and tranquilized sunshine of suburban Connecticut is such a famine for those who get used to causing troubles.

The desire toward "sophisticated" makes me wish silently to have a life of living here and there and making home everywhere. Such a wish makes me feel that I'm such a greedy person. Greed for security and greed for excitement in the meantime! I have Mr. China and want to have Mr. USA too. No, going back or not going back is not just a question of "starting a new business". It is not just a "cultural" question also. If such a greed is kind of "begging for disgrace", I insist to shift it to the philosophy problem of "Tragedy of Nora".
On the road of history, human beings hack their way through difficulties without looking back. However, when they reach the finish line as what I'm doing now, standing in the beautiful scene of May in the U.S., I am scared to find that I start to "homesick" for those uneven and exciting roads I just went though.