| | | |  | There are lots of reasons why couples marry - even cross culturally.
1. Love
2. Convenience
3. Attraction
4. Infatuation gone wild and so on.
I would like to address some of the practical matters that will be faced - one way or another - if/when a couple of two nations decides to get married. If they are not discussed before marriage, they surely will be after the wedding.
These considerations are in no special order.
1. What will the relatives think? I know of one Asian/American couple who had the blessing of her (Asian) parents but when her father's older brother showed up at the wedding because he thought "Americans like to drink" he was sorely disappointed to find it was a Christian wedding. That he didn't get to drink himself into a stupor at the wedding was a longstanding sore point whenever the family got together. Another couple, he (American) was severely warned by an older sister "don't bring home any half yellow babies." It is not enough to get along yourselves, but many times you have to get along with uncles, aunts, sisters and brothers-in-law and so on. Is the international couple ready for this?
2. Where will they live? In her country or in his country? Will they go back and forth? How often? The answer to this question is the answer to who will have to deal with culture adjustments. It is no small thing to go from a town of 50,000 to a city of 5,000,000 or vice versa. Some people might need their favorite chocolate, movie program or whatever and find they cannot get it in their new country. I know men who simply could not find shoes in their new country and women who could hardly find size zero in theirs. Is one of the partners ready to give up a life they have known? Can one partner be sensitive to the adjustments the other will have to make when they move to a new country - even America. Is one or both couples ready to deal with discrimination?
3. What about the paperwork? Will the couple be married in one country or both? It's tough as dickens to sign papers you can't read/understand for some. Is the couple ready for some serious confrontations on this front? What happens when you get married in one country but the embassy of another country starts throwing up obstacles, doubts the sincerity of the union, becomes unreasonable? What if it becomes necessary to be married but separated until the paperwork catches up? No fun. What about fingerprinting and visa applications and such? And the costs - money/time involved?
4. How well do you really really know one another? Are the intentions of each of you indeed pure? Is he so old, fat and ugly he couldn't find someone at home? Is she intent on getting out of her country at all costs? Do you have unrealistic expectations of one another? Is she supposed to be 'submissive'? Is he supposed to be 'rich'? Have you taken a good look at her mother and his father? That's what they will look like in years to come. Are you prepared for this? Are there unspoken stereotypes at play? Ask yourselves these questions and then LISTEN to the answer. Your belly will tell you the truth if you have the courage and take the time to listen.
5. Are you ready for the naysayers? There are tons of people who will tell you why your marriage will not work, why you are no better than them, why you are foolish, why you should give up, why you should not try. There might be support from your friends and family but it won't be that way always or even most of the time. Ready or not, here it comes.
6. What about kids? Do both of you want them? What will the primary language be? Where will they be educated? I nearly killed my older son by trying to find the best way to raise him bilingually and bi-culturally. It wasn't pretty. I will write about it in a future posting.
7. What about age difference? Is it 2-4 years? 5-10 years? 12 years or more? Can you deal with one of you getting older sooner than the other? Can you keep up with the younger partner in all aspects - including sex? Age differences are no small matter and ought to be seriously considered BEFORE you make the trip to priest/preacher/city official/boat captain or town office?
8. And what about religion/faith? Can you reconcile differences in believing in God and believing in no god?
9. What about family? Will the in-laws live with you, retire with you, or die with you? Who's in-laws? Yours, his, or hers? What happens when the in-laws are literally on opposite sides of the planet!? Who's will you see and when and how often and for what holidays? Who is prepared to sacrifice the most and much sacrifice will there be?
Well, I was hoping to make it 10 considerations but that is all I could come up with for now.
Perhaps you all can add to this list, even tell the list how you worked out or did NOT work out some of the problems above.
No marriage is perfect and many of these considerations are the same even for couples of the same countries.
How about you and your marriage?
What practical matters have you had to face? How did you resolve or not resolve them?
What advice do you have to offer for the rest of us?
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