Mona's Mind

This is a collection of thoughts, on the all too not important events in everyday's life, events, news and observations.
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Debate on 'never finding the right guy'---(not myself though)

(2006-09-28 09:05:49) 下一個
Debate on “never find the right guy”

I saw an article recently, a 30-year old single lady had a string of failed matching making activities in Shanghai, there were about 10 different guys that she dated and disgusted, some incidents are quite funny, some I could even related to the people around myself. Many people read the article and reply to her that it must be “her own problem” that she has not met someone decent; if she never find a decent guy then it must be her own fault; some people even call her “vanity”, look down on people that are “stingy”.

I have some thoughts, but on her side unfortunately….

1). A girl who is not lucky enough to have met “the one”, is it her own fault? No! given that if there should only be 1 person is “the one”, the chance to meet them is not very easy. It may take time. Lots people has this pressure to be married at a certain age, they often marry wrong and will suffer later on, but of course, doors closed, no body knows, as long as she/he is married, people will think that’s normal… Most of the eligible Chinese men marry early, they have not even get a chance to grow up to be a man who understand themselves, just married their school lovers, sweet hearts etc, then divorce later when they become more aware of who they are, what do they want in life. This leave high self regarded girls very limited choice. In the sense, western guys will go through a colourful single period, independent but grow to be themselves, strongly opinionated about whom they are and what do they want to do. It is strange to blame a girl for she has not met the right person and insist on not to compromise, I think this is something people should learn from her that “to be married” is not the objective! But a simple outcome.

2). Vanity in excess is wrong and a sign of lack of proper education, shallow and materialism, that is pretty stupid since you are restraining your views and sights…however, without proper amount of vanity, a person will be without a shame, a pride, a self esteem and regard! A girl demanded to be treated lovely and regarded with respect has all the reason to demand so. This only shows that the girl has lots self respect and know her own worth, that only the decent will do. It is by all means a virtue, know yourself and know what you want, don’t sacrifice for the poor education some men had and give in to accept the “second best”! The moment you decide you can compromise on their unacceptable behaviour, is the moment you start to cheap sell yourself, of course you’ll not be treated well, because there is no need!

3). People can argue that girl’s youth pass quickly; one shall make the most of it by marrying young. Agree! We cannot be greedy and always want better….But only if she has met “the one”, even if not the prince charming, at least someone that makes her comfortable and happy, makes her effortlessly be herself and feel loved, so she wants to love back at the least. If all the guys she have met not only disgusts her and contrast most of her values and habits, why should she settle for any of those or think it must be her own fault? And give up the hope of being someone that makes her comfortable!

4). Too many people marry for the wrong reason and too many people don’t’ even understand themselves. Chinese education system and family education make people mentally dependent on parents, peers, friends etc; have very little sense of self! This is not a firm foundation for marriage! I think young people should be given enough time to be on their own, explore the life, society, and understand themselves and others, then make the choice that could make them happier for longer. Let it be having a family for the good or be single for the good.

5). Men’s behaviours! Ahhhhhhhh….why the hell Chinese school does not teach men how to date, how to treat opposite sex properly, how to be polite and well mannered, cultured and decent! It is an important social skill! Not just dating, but even working, social, in everyday’s life! If you behave with good manner, it will earn you respect, friendship, trust and respect! It’s all in little things, your manner, your taste….it’s not that we cares if we have to pay for a dinner, but offering is always sweet; it’s not that we cannot go home alone, but offer to give a lift is always sweet; girls are girls, should be tenderly treated and appreciated. If you want to date an “equally macho minded”, “non fuss”, “anything-could-get-by”, “thinking just like you”, my suggestion is to try to date your same sex, be a gay, you will be much happier!

I think to love one woman is not enough! Men should learn to love women in general and treat them nicely, decently, all of them! Only when you treat lady like a lady, you will feel like a man! Trust me that make your life happier!
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評論
ywz2008 回複 悄悄話 I partly agree with you. You are very strong and think a lot more about respect woman. But, it's mutual. Man needs respect too. It's like shopping. You may choose whatever you like, but you have to pay first. Love is not an exception.
bigbigfish 回複 悄悄話 Hehe, your points are well taken.
To sum up:
1. girls have right to decide when and whom to marry.
2. vanity is the valuation of a girl by herself. High quality girl deserve better man1 (maybe you ^^)
3. Eventhough the value declines over time, girls should still take time to wait for her good match.
4.marriage has to be two independent matured people.
5.Chinese education (actually the culture and society) fail to teach a man how to entertain a woman.
Perfectly, after I date ten women, I will come to you *_*
Longhorns 回複 悄悄話 "those who has good genes should definitely continue the human race." Wow, how about those who have bad genes? :)
Besides, the standards to measure the “good” or “bad” genes are very subjective. For example, not long ago, someone once believe that Jews were a tiny, insignificant, completely unnecessary bunch of misfits with all kinds of physical problems, others think black are retards because their brains are a bit larger than gorilla but much smaller than these regular human and therefore whole race was condemned by God so that they were only qualified as slavers. Using any physical characteristic as evidence in argument is dangerous business :)

Cheer.
Mona 回複 悄悄話 i still value marriage very much and don't think people should be single, but i think people should be on their own for enough time to figure out themselves, before taking responsibilities and get married.

of course people should marry, i have good genes, that deserve to pass on, but it all comes after i could settle down with myself.

so i don't agree people should all be single forever, those who has good genes should definitely continue the human race.
北京來的朋友 回複 悄悄話 對於婚姻這座圍城,仁者見仁智者見智,不同的人會有這他不同的觀念,對於有些人來講,它意味著一個份安定,結婚是他的人生目的之一,但這樣為了結婚因而結婚的人,他們的婚姻未必長久,因為多半婚姻基礎不牢固,隨著時間的推移,可能有一天這哥們或姐們一覺醒來,會忽然問自己我身邊睡的這是誰呀??…也有另一種人,他知道什麽是他想要的,他(她)會耐心的等待她(她)的出現,寧缺毋濫是他(她)的信念,死等,死磕,大有除卻巫山不是雲的架勢。第三種人介於兩者之間,原先也抱著死等死磕的態度,可到了後來,漸漸的失去了耐性,漸漸的開始了妥協,要麽幸運的找到個和自己理想中有點相近的,結了;運氣背的走上了第一種人的那條路。第一種和第三種人的結果也有兩種:,好的兩人越走越近,背的則始終是兩條平行線,筆直再筆直,筆直到永遠,永無相交的那一天。所以,婚姻如賭博,勝算幾率不大的情況下,還是做單身貴族的好,與人與己都好。事實上,社會是我們最好的課堂,它能教會我們很多我們在學校所學不到的寶貴知識.(這隻是我自己粗淺的看法,與大家分享,並不代表他人)
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