《林貝卡》

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Follow Your Heart

(2008-07-29 05:56:16) 下一個

　　　　　　　　　　　　Follow Your Heart Author：Sherry Baker

　　I am an ocean person, though I have lived most of my life away from the sea I love so much.

　　When I was forty-two, I had been longing for it for so many years, I began to feel my soul was dying. I had been a single mother of four, it felt like, forever, since the youngest was an infant. I raised my children entirely on my own, through poverty and struggle, but with lots of laughter, kite-flying and hiking in the hills above our town - lots of grit and determination to do the best I could for these four people entrusted to my care.

　　I was working at a job I hated, waiting for the older three to be finished with high school, feeling like I was marking time while the precious years flew by. I looked around me at the scenery of the Okanagan everyone else thought so beautiful. But for me it was the wrong scenery. Placid lake instead of frothing waves; brown hillsides instead of wild and verdant forest. I was in the wrong place and felt like I existed only to haul brown paper bags of groceries through the front door.

　　That birthday, my sister gave me a late autumn trip to see the gray whale migration outside of Tofino on the wild, West Coast I longed for. Though I had never seen it, I just knew that there the waves would be wild and nature would be at its unfettered best, untamable by man. It was as perfect an experience as it could possibly be: We were in a Zodiac, the ocean was serene, there were whales everywhere, the day was clear and sharply etched and, when we turned off the motor and drifted, we were on the same level as the whales. In fact, they were so unconcerned with our presence that one whooshed up close beside the boat, thrilling me to my toes. We passed by rocks covered with sea lions, who barked imperiously at our passage with a strange growly sound that delighted me; we sat beneath a huge eagle's nest and stared at the resident eagle, who stared diffidently back at us; little orange-beaked puffins bobbed serenely on neighboring waves; we investigated little forested inlets and found a waterfall. And to top it off, as we headed back to shore, sunset spread its palette of color before us. It was perfection.

　　The guides who owned the boat were environmentalists; there was talk of saving this last precious ecosystem, this last stand of old growth. Everything I loved, longed for and believed in was here, and I wondered: Why am I not here too? Time for one fast stop at the beach heading out and then the day was gone and I went back to my home in the Okanagan, to my hated job, and to a persistent depression as winter closed in. 　　

　　I wrote a letter, after a few weeks, telling the woman who had taken me to see the whales how lucky she was to be living her dream, and how long the West Coast had been my own dream. I had heard her mention she had never been able to find anyone who could take over her duties as well as she did them, so she could have more leisure time. I ventured in that letter to wonder if I might be that person, if there might be a place for me there. There was no reply; the winter went on. The light in my eyes deadened, the walls closed in. I felt trapped - by the need to earn a living and support the kids, and by my aloneness (I had waited a long time for Mr. Right to come along and help me change my life; it was too hard and scary to do alone).

　　I won recognition from an aware employer that my spirit was faltering; she encouraged me to take supervisory training and apply for the position of supervisor, to get me out of the job and shift work I hated and into another department - and management. I passed the training, won the position and for the first time was earning enough money to not have to worry on a daily basis about food and bills.

　　It was right then that the universe, in the form of a letter from Tofino, offered me the choice it has given me several times in my life: continued "security" (a huge issue for a single mother accustomed to poverty) or the life of my dreams: part-time work at six dollars an hour, but in Tofino where I most longed to be. I wrestled a bit with the uncertainties, the hugeness of the choice, but there was little doubt. Though terrified and needing assurances that simply were not there, I knew this choice was between following my heart, or giving up my dream for financial reasons and staying where my spirit was dying. And I knew I couldn't live without a dream.

　　It is good I didn't know then what that choice entailed: the scarcity of rental housing of any kind, never mind affordable; the need to work two and three part-time, low-paying jobs at a time to survive; the exhaustion; the constant struggle; the first few years of continual moving. What I did know is that, from the moment I set foot on the beach, that longing voice inside me was stilled. I was at home, the home of my spirit, the place in the world that was right for me. The night I rounded the corner at Long Beach in the rented moving truck, a gigantic orange ball of sun was dipping below the horizon, and the sky was a Gauguin canvas. Taking a moment from unloading boxes to stand on the front porch, I saw a whale in the bay - a whale in my front yard! The universe was saying: Hello! One dream, come true.

　　For ten years, I have walked ecstatically through some of the most spectacularly beautiful landscapes on the planet. Each and every day, joy and gratitude have resonated in my heart at the beauty upon which I feast. There is a fullness in me that means more now than any amount of money. It took enormous courage, but I followed my heart and made my dream come true. I also learned that there is no security, other than what we carry within us. There is an inner voice that will guide us each and every step of the way when we slow down and choose to listen. When we heed this inner wisdom, our lives are enriched immensely. The road map for our journey can - indeed, mustbe charted by our inner guide and the fulfillment of our dreams. 　　