9 青中年 Middle Age

目錄 Catalog：9.0 序言 Preface；9.1 拓疆房地產公司 TJ Real Estate Ltd；9.2 岩土顧問公司 Soil Engineers Ltd；9.3 黑社會幫我 Mafia Helps Me；9.4 我抑鬱了 I'm Depressed；9.5 桫欏給我改性格 Sal Changes my Personality；9.6 迷惑 Muddles；9.7 社會環境 Social Environment； 9.8 把工程作壞 Job Rip；9.9 覺思失調 Schizophrenia

9.0 序言 Preface

1998年4月，我東北大學碩士畢業了，也失業了。我擔心劉團長在背後壞我，到新的工作單位後找不到女朋友，就不願意去國家機關，學校等國營的企事業單位，認為在私人企業他很難使壞。我喜歡搞房地產，可我是色盲，不願意練習計算機繪圖，使我找工作遇到了困難。我在家裏，平時上個英語口語學習班，也參加了GRE的學習班，但我發現GRE對我太難了，學不了。

In April 1998, I graduated with a master's degree from Northeastern University and became unemployed. I was worried that Liu was doing something bad to me behind my back and that I would not be able to find a girlfriend at my new workplace. So, I was unwilling to work in state-owned enterprises and institutions such as government agencies and schools, thinking that it would be difficult for him to do something bad in private enterprises. I like real estate, but I am color blind and unwilling to practice computer graphics, which made it difficult for me to find a job. At home, I usually took an English-speaking class and participated in a GRE class, but I found that GRE was too difficult for me, and I could not learn it.

 

9.1 拓疆房地產公司TJ Real Estate Ltd

1999年春，遼寧拓疆房地產公司的董事長，劉總找到了我，說他們在沈陽人才市場發現了我的個人簡曆，讓我做這個公司的經理。工作中，劉總讓自己找項目，自己做方案，計劃成熟了再向他匯報。劉總是1960、70年代在沈陽軍區大院裏長大的；我接觸的人也多是沈陽軍區的高幹子女。同事們開始給我介紹女朋友了；我把以前的不開心事全忘了。

劉總是會計出身，沒什麽複雜的經曆，可他寫了回憶錄，而且準備出版（注1）。

我常常對我的工作中弄虛作假的事而煩惱，而且因為工作中所做的虧心事，常常感到恐懼。我申請了移民加拿大，決定如果我在這裏工作得不好，就到國外去開辟新天地。

注9.1，劉總寫回憶錄的行為對我的影響很大。我寫回憶錄就是因為他的熏染。

In the spring of 1999, Mr. Liu, the chairman of Liaoning Tuo’jiang Real Estate Company, found me and said that they found my resume in the Shenyang Human Resource Market and asked me to be the manager of the company. At work, Mr. Liu asked me to find projects and make plans by myself, to report to him when the plans were mature. Mr. Liu grew up in the compound of the Shenyang Military Region in the 1960s and 1970s; most of the people I met were children of high-ranking officials in the Shenyang Military Region. My colleagues began to introduce girlfriends to me; I forgot all the unhappy affairs in the past.

Mr. Liu was an accountant by profession and had no complicated experience, but he wrote a memoir and was preparing to publish it (note 1).

I was often troubled by the fraud in my work, and I was often afraid because of the bad things I did at work. I applied to immigrate to Canada and decided that if I couldn't work well here, I would go abroad to open a new world.

Note 9.1, Mr. Liu's act of writing a memoir had a great influence on me. I wrote my memoir because of his influence.

 

9.2 岩土工程師公司 Soil Engineers Ltd

2001年4月，我移民到了加拿大的多倫多，一邊學英語，一邊在肯德基打工。不久後，我結婚了，開始了新的生活。2002年3月，一家岩土工程師有限公司找到了我，作工程質量檢測的技術員。麵試我的人說是在人才交流中心發現了我找工作的簡曆。

我上班沒多久，就有同事們議論我說，我在中國是個大家族的孩子，和父親吵架，就自己跑到加拿大了；我父親委托這家公司的所有者Victor，幫我安排了這份工作。有人對我說：加拿大可不是你這種人該來的地方，你該明白了，回去吧！或者說，你什麽時候回國呀！？我對這說法沒什麽感覺，就認為是他們搞錯人了。

In April 2001, I immigrated to Toronto, Canada, and worked at KFC while learning English. Shortly afterward, I got married and started a new life. In March 2002, I was approached by Soil Engineers Ltd, a geotechnical engineering company, to work as an engineering quality inspection technician. The person who interviewed me said that he had found my resume in a job exchange center looking for a job.

I hadn't been at work for long when some of my coworkers were talking about me saying that I was a child of a big family in China, and that I had run away to Canada on my own after a fight with my father; that my father had commissioned Victor, the owner of this company, to help me arrange this job. Someone said to me: Canada is not a place for people like you, it's time for you to realize that and go back! Or when are you going back to your country! I didn't feel anything about this statement and assumed that they had the wrong person.

9.2-2 謠言 Rumors

同事劉加力（Garry Liu），是一位來自台灣的工程師，幾次跟我說父子吵架不應該這樣。我回答，在大陸，我隻是個普通農民家的孩子。

一次，劉加力對我生氣了，指責我不給爸爸打電話，還說：“你爸給你找工作，就表示他已經後悔了。怎麽地？你還想讓你爸給你道歉呐！那工作給你找的，你滿意不滿意的可不是問題所在。你爸他一個大陸人，在加拿大辦事能有多大能量！怎麽就這點事兒，我就跟你說不明白呢！”

My colleague Garry Liu, an engineer from Taiwan, told me several times that father-son quarrels should not be like this. I replied that in mainland China, I am just a child of an ordinary farmer's family.

Once, Garry CC. Liu got angry with me, accusing me of not calling my dad and saying, "The fact that your dad got you a job means that he already regrets it. What's wrong with that? You still want your dad to apologize to you! The job is for you, whether you are satisfied or not is not the issue. Your dad is a mainlander, he can't do much in Canada! That's the only thing I can't get through to you!"

我開始明白了，這是劉團長指使人在背後製造的謠言，對他說： “我回家就給他打電話。”

事後我想，這老頭子終於後悔了。可讓我難受的是，劉團長知道我喜歡劉健君，是因為不喜歡他，所以我不願意和劉健君交往。老頭子心裏明白，他得多難過！

I began to understand that this was a rumor created behind the scenes by Troupe Leader Liu's instructions, and said to him, “I'll call him when I get home.”

Afterwards I thought, this old man finally regretted it. But what makes me feel bad is that Troupe Leader Liu knows that I like his daughter Eve Liu, because I don't like him, so I don't want to go out with Eve Liu. The old man understood in his heart; how sad he had to be!

9.2-3 竊聽 Eavesdropping

一次，公司在每個員工工資支票的信封裏放了一個通知，說有人監聽我們公司技術人員的電話，讓所有的員工不要使用公司的電話作為媒體來交流測量數據和商談質量評定。隨後經理在公司開會時說，我們也琢磨不出為什麽有人監聽我們技術人員的電話，但是總公司發現了這個問題。

當時，對此我沒在意。後來，我懷疑我家的電話被竊聽了。電話的聲音小，聲音不清晰，像似被串聯了許多電話。我更換了電話公司。開始還好，可不久後，電話的音質又變差了。隨後十來年，這一問題都糾纏著我。我沒辦法，隻是心裏想，“我沒有秘密，讓你們聽去吧”。可是，我總感覺個人隱私被泄露了；這事對我覺思失調症（Schizophrenia）的形成和爆發有很大的作用。

At one point, the company put a notice in the envelope of each employee's paycheck saying that someone was listening in on our company's technicians' phone calls and that all employees should refrain from using the company's phones as a medium for exchanging measurement data and negotiating quality ratings. The manager then said at a company meeting that we couldn't figure out why someone was tapping our technicians' phones, but the home office found out about it.

At the time, this didn't bother me. Later, I suspected that my home phone was tapped. The phone's voice was small and unclear, like it was strung up for many calls. I changed phone companies. It was fine at first, but soon after, the sound quality of the phone got worse again. This problem haunted me for the next ten years or so. I had no choice but to think to myself, “I have no secrets, let you hear them”. However, I always felt that my privacy had been compromised; this played a big role in the development and outbreak of my Schizophrenia.

9.2-4 糊塗的爭吵 Confused Argument

一天在Mclaughlin Rd crossing Derry Rd 西北角的工地，忽然工地的經理和另外幾個人怒氣衝衝地來和我吵架，指責幾件我不知道的事。開始時，他們說我撒謊，還是很生氣。後來，他們看我的表情是既沒生氣也沒笑，是在認真地分析他們所說的事。他們幾個相互質疑說：“咱們是在和誰打架呢！？他們相互商量，結論是都是從XXX地方，那兩個中國人那裏聽來的，他們在騙我們。”幾個人憤憤地離開了。

注9.2-4，這種挑唆別人和我打架來改善我性格的作法，道理上和5.2節，9.3節，以及9.5節桫欏的作法相同。

One day at the site on the NW corner of Mclaughlin Rd and Derry Rd, suddenly the site manager and a couple of other guys came in angry and argued with me, accusing me of a couple of things I didn't know. At first, they said I was lying and still angry. Later, they looked at me with an expression of neither anger nor laughter and were seriously analyzing what they were saying. Several of them questioned each other and said: who we are fighting with! They discussed with each other and concluded that they had heard it all from XXX place, from those two Chinese, and that they were lying to us. They left angrily.

Note 9.2-4: This method of improving my personality by instigating others to fight with me is essentially the same as in Sections 5.2, 9.3, and 9.5.

 

9.3 黑手黨幫我打架 Mafia Fight for Me

2003年夏，我在Mavis Rd and Steels Rd工地工作。這是一個很大的工程，開發區裏在開發學校，商場，公園，和千餘棟房子。工程前期施工承包商是TACC，是加拿大一個很大的私人施工企業。

一天下午，快要下班的時間，幾個50左右歲，自稱是工會的，有白頭發的意大利人來到工地，還故意露出他們的手槍，說：“你們這個工地的人有種族歧視，對盧岩沒禮貌。下班後，除了盧岩，別人誰也不準離開。” 當晚，那幾個意大利人就跟工地上所有其他人一個一個地談話，了解情況。

In the summer of 2003, I worked at the Mavis Rd crossing Steels Rd site. It was a large project, with a school, a shopping mall, two parks, and thousands of houses being developed. The pre-construction contractor was TACC, a large private construction company in Canada.

One afternoon, near the end of the shift, several Italians in their fifties, claiming to be from the union, with gray hair, came to the site and deliberately showed their pistols, saying, "You people at this site are racist and rude to Luyan. After work, no one else is allowed to leave except Luyan." That evening, those Italians talked to all the other people on the construction site one by one to find out what was going on.

第二天，工地的人們問我：“怎麽回事啊？你有什麽意見不能直接說？你找那幫人！他們就是電影電視裏拿機關槍的那幫人。這可不是在開玩笑，會出人命的。” 當然，我是真不知道發生了什麽事。

兩個星期後，那群帶著槍的意大利人又來了，說：我們警告過你們，你們對盧岩沒禮貌，你們不聽。” 他們和一個工人吵起來了，推倒了那個工人，用槍把打了幾下，還說：“把他送醫院去，住院三天。” 事後，工地經理Bob和一些人找到我，問是怎麽回事，讓我好好想想是不是跟誰抱怨過他們的不是。我真的從來沒抱怨過。Bob說：“你再好好想想，什麽時候想起了什麽，就告訴我。這次那幫人是給我們個警告，沒真打人。那個工人傷得不重，但是我們已經跟醫院的人說好了，讓他住院一個星期。那幫人是靠麵子吃飯的，若是他們的麵子在咱這兒丟了，咱們可賠不起！”

The next day, people at the site asked me, "What's going on? What is your opinion? You can say it directly, should not look for those guys. They are the ones with the machine guns in the movies and TV. It's not a joke; people can get killed." Of course, I really didn't know what was going on.

Two weeks later, the group of Italians with guns came back and said, "We warned you that you were rude to Luyan, and you didn't listen." They got into a fight with one of the workers, pushed the worker down, hit him a few strokes with the gun handle, and said, "Take him to the hospital and hospitalize him for three days." Afterward, Bob, the site manager, and some of the guys approached me, asked what was going on and asked me to think about whether I had complained to anyone about what they weren't doing. I never complained to anyone. Bob said, "Think about it again, and let me know when you remember anything. They gave us a warning this time, they didn't really hit anyone. The worker wasn't badly hurt, but we've talked to the hospital people to keep him in for a week. Those guys eat by face, if they lose face here, we can't afford to pay for it!"

9.3-2

工地中有很多不同的工種，人員的流動很大，許多人我都分不清誰是幹什麽的，誰是新來的。有人在談這件奇怪的事，我就去聽了。

他們問我：“是你老板幹的？”

我回答：“不可能！我們公司的實力不如你們公司的百分之一。你們老板還有許多親戚有自己的大企業；誰敢惹你們公司！”

There were a lot of different types of work on the site, and there was a lot of turnovers of people, many of whom I couldn't tell who was doing what and who was new. Someone was talking about this strange affair, and I went to listen.

They asked me, "Did your boss do it?"

I replied, "No way! Our company is not as strong as one percent of your company. Your boss has many other relatives with big businesses of their own, who would dare mess with your company!"

他們當中有人說：“是這麽回事！那幫人是誰給他們錢就給誰幹活。這事肯定是人幹的，而且那個人肯定和你有關係，是你爸爸？”

我回答：“我連個房子都買不起。我爸爸哪裏有錢，幹這種事。”

他們當中有人說：“有人認為人生幸福不幸福不在於有多少錢，而在於性格。有錢人跟咱窮人想的不一樣，就有人認為找人幫著打架對改善性格有幫助（注2）。你再想想，是不是你的哪個親戚幹的？現在咱這裏還沒出什麽事，沒什麽關係。”

他們幫我回憶了所有親戚，我都回答：“他們既沒錢，又沒這知識，也沒這能力。”

注9.3-2，這說法，前文5.2節《在集市打架》中的那個前女友她爸爸說過。

One of them said, "That's how it is! Those guys work for whoever pays them. Someone must have done this, and that someone must be related to you, is it your father?"

I replied, "I can't even afford a house. Where would my father get the money to do such a thing."

One of them said, "Some people think that happiness in life does not depend on how much money you have, but on your personality. Rich people don't think the same way as we poor people do, so there are people who think that getting help in a fight will help improve personality (Annotation 2). Think again. Is it one of your relatives who did it? Nothing has happened to us here yet; it doesn’t matter yet!"

They helped me recall all my relatives, and I replied, "They have neither the money, nor the knowledge, nor the ability."

Annotation 9.3-2, this same statement was made by her father, the ex-girlfriend in the previous section 5.2, "Fighting at the Fair".

9.3-3

過了幾天，工地經理Bob找我談話。他說，前些日子他從外麵找來兩夥兒明白人，對前些天發生的奇怪事進行了調查，都跟我盧岩談過幾次。前天下雨的時候，我盧岩不在工地，他們全體員工和外來的兩夥兒明白人一起開了個會。會議中，全體員工一起對那件奇怪的事舉手表決，全數通過決議。我盧岩也是工地的一員，應該服從決議，合作：

1. 他們決定不報警，自己處理。原因是，如果報警，這個工地肯定就被關閉，調查耗時至少兩個月，結果什麽也查不出來。這兩個月所有工人就沒活幹，待在家裏。但是，黑社會那幫人的事兒沒辦成，還把麵子丟了，那我們這裏就有可能有人被打死。

After a few days, Bob, the site manager, approached me to talk. He said that some days ago he got two groups of wise people from outside to investigate the strange affairs that happened some days ago, and all of them talked to me, Luyan, several times. When it was raining the day before yesterday, I, Luyan, was not at the construction site, and all their employees and the two groups of wise people from outside had a meeting together. In the meeting, all the employees together on that strange affair by a show of hands, all through the resolution. I, Luyan, am also a member of the construction site and should obey the resolution and cooperate:

1. They decided not to call the police and deal with it themselves. The reason was that if the police were called, the site would surely be closed, the investigation would take at least two months, and nothing would be found out as a result. During these two months, all the workers would have no work to do and would stay at home. However, if the Italian mafia fails to get anything done and loses face, then there is a possibility that some of us may be killed.

2. 黑社會那幫人想辦什麽事呢？你們新移民的境況，我們都很清楚，以前在自己國家都混得不錯，結果來這裏幹這些沒人願意幹，辛苦還不掙多少錢的工作。你們生活得不開心，滿腹牢騷。就有一個你的有錢親戚知道了你的情況，難受了，所以咱們的工地就出現這件怪事了。前幾天，那兩夥明白人在調查你的時候，跟你說過：有人認為，人生的前途和幸福取決於性格，而找黑社會幫著打架能改善性格。雖然這作法也有很多不好的影響，但就有人認為利大於弊，就有人迷信這事。這種說法雖然是我們意大利人的，而你那個有錢的親戚是中國人。在會上，我們全體100多人一致認同：你們中國人也應該是這麽認為的，全世界的人都一樣。

2. What did those Italian mafia want to accomplish? We know very well the situation of you new immigrants. You used to be doing well in your own country, but now you come here to do these jobs that no one wants to do, and you work hard and don't earn much money. You are unhappy and full of complaints. Just one of your rich relatives knows about your situation and has a tough time with it, so we have this weird thing going on at our construction site. A few days ago, when those two groups of wise people who were investigating you, they told you that some people believe that the future and happiness of life depends on personality, and that finding triads to help fight can improve personality. Although this practice has many harmful effects, there are those who believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages, and there are those who are superstitious about it. Although we Italians have this belief, and your rich relative is a Chinese. At the meeting, all of us agreed: you Chinese should think the same way, and so should the rest of the world.

3. 那因為這事，我們可不能跟你打架呀！這事說大就大，早就已經觸犯刑法了，還可能出人命；說是小事，就是小事，人家還真沒讓我們做多為難的事。我們決定就按他們的意思做，那兩夥兒明白人都告訴我們怎麽做了。我跟你商量，要求你配合我們。從現在起，你就是這個工地的老大 ，你走路時要挺直身體，說話辦事要硬，要橫，說一不二。我們所有人都已經安排好了，都配合你。

3. We can't fight with you because of this! This is a big matter, it has already violated the criminal law, and people may be killed; but saying it is a small matter, then it is a small matter, and they have not really asked us to do anything difficult. We decided to do what they wanted; the two groups of wise people have told us how to do. I am talking to you and asking you to cooperate with us. From now on, you are the boss of this construction site, you must walk with a straight body, talk, and act hard, be gross, and say one thing but not another. All of us have decided to cooperate with you.

和Bob談話後，工地裏的人們都開始訓練我。早上見麵一定要站直了，相互打招呼，而且聲音要大，要霸氣，等。有時候，我沒注意，就可能被對方提醒說，“站直了，大點兒聲，有人在看，你別看（他們）！” 開始時，我還向工地外看，說，“那不是個中東人麽！” “哎呀，還中東人！我們在這裏土生土長幾十年了，都分別不出誰是幹什麽的；你來加拿大兩年半，就能看出誰是黑社會的！在多倫多誰都不知道誰是幹什麽的。人家要是發現我們在演戲，那再教訓教訓我們，會死人的！”

工地的人都很認真，很害怕，我也隨著害怕了，變得認真起來了。

After talking to Bob, people in the construction site started to train me. When we meet in the morning, we must stand up straight, greet each other, and be loud, bossy, etc. Sometimes, when I wasn't paying attention, I could be reminded by the other person, "Stand up straight, speak up, someone's watching, don't look at (them)!" At first, I would look out at the construction site and say, "Isn't that a Middle Eastern guy!" "Oh, a Middle Easterner! We have been here for decades, and we can't tell who's doing what; you come to Canada for two and a half years and you can tell who's in the triads! In Toronto nobody knows who does what. If they find out we're acting, then teach us another lesson, it'll kill us!"

The people at the construction site were serious and scared, and I became serious with the fear.

9.3-4

幾天之後，我想出來了，這事是劉健君她爸劉團長幹的，很感動，心想，“老頭子老了，終於後悔他對我做過的事了，要彌補。可是你要幫我，就幫我買座房子唄！整點兒錢都捐給黑社會了！”

這件黑手黨幫我打架的事持續了一個多月。

注9.3.4, 這兩夥兒明白人給出的對策正確嗎？答：正確！劉團長就喜歡這個；這行為代表著最勝真如，參見16.2節《離垢地》和5.3節《威儀路》。

A few days later, I figured out that this is done by Eve Liu’s father, Troup Leader Liu, very moved, thinking, "The old man is old, finally regret what he did to me to make amends. But if you want to help me, just buy me a house! The whole bit of money goes to the mafia!"

This mafia helped me fight for over a month.

Annotation 9.3.4, Is the response given by the two group of wise people, correct? Answer: Correct! Troupe Leader Liu likes this; this behavior represents the Most Victorious True suchness, see Section 16.2 “Heartland of Leave Filth,” and Section 5.3 “Majesty Path”.

 

9.4 我抑鬱了 I was Depressed

2003年9月的一天，一個工地，同事劉加力（Garry Liu）氣衝衝地來找我，說： “我又聽說你不給你爸爸打電話。你爸爸委托你的鄰居和朋友勸你，你誰的話也不聽。” 我愣住了，明白過來後，問：“是誰讓你來勸我？”

劉加力（Garry Liu）愣住了，知道自己是突然說了這個話題，回答說：“誰也沒讓我來勸你。前天我去世嘉堡 (Scarborough)開會，休息時，有人故意在我後麵說你的事。這不是他們知道我和你的關係不錯，又和我不熟，就故意這麽做，讓我來勸你麽！這事咱們全公司的人都知道了，結果我跟你連這點事都說不明白，那我是啥人呐！我還怎麽做人呐！你還知道，你爸爸的身體不好，說不定哪天就咽氣了。你怎麽就感受不到他老人家的那片心呢！我跟你說，等他死了，你肯定後悔，到那時，你腸子悔青了也沒用！我還聽說你爸爸知道你在加拿大生活得不開心，想盡辦法來幫你，可是你就是不接受！這爹跟兒子打架，兒子生氣到你這種程度的，我長這麽大，就從來沒聽說過！”

One day in September 2003, at a construction site, my colleague Garry.CC. Liu came to me angrily, said, "I heard again that you don't call your dad. Your dad entrusts your neighbors and friends to persuade you, and you don't listen to anyone.” I was stunned, and after understanding it, I asked, "Who asked you to persuade me?"

Garry Liu was stunned, knowing that he suddenly mentioned this topic, and replied: "No one asked me to persuade you. I went to Scarborough for a meeting the day before yesterday. During the break, someone deliberately talked about you behind me. Isn’t this because they know that I have a good relationship with you and they are not familiar with me, so they did this deliberately to asked me to persuade you! Everyone in our company knows about this, but I can’t even explain this to you, so who am I? How can I be a human being! You also know that your father's health is bad, and he might die at anytime. Why can't you feel the old man's heart? Let me tell you, when he dies, you will regret. By then, it will be useless even if you regretted your intestines into blue! I also heard that your father knew that you were unhappy living in Canada and tried his best to help you, but you just refused to accept him! A father fights with his son, and the son is as angry as you are. I have never heard of it in my whole life! "

劉加力和我一樣，都是老實人，生氣臉就紅。這時，他激動得像是要哭了似的。我趕緊說：“我知道了，回家就給他打電話。過一段時間，回去看他。”

他走了，一會兒又回來了，說：“他們沒說你爸爸病危，你回家的事可能也用不著那麽著急。我看你臉色不好，像是病了。我已經跟工地的經理說了，你把這裏的工作交給我。今天，你早點回去，好好休息休息！”

Garry like me, is an honest person, and his face turns red when he is angry. At this time, he was so excited that he seemed to cry. I hurriedly said, "I know, I'll call him when I get home. After some time, I go back to see him.”

He left and came back after a while and said, "They didn't say that your father was critically ill, so you probably didn't need to be in such a hurry to get home. I see that you don't look good, as if you are sick. I have already told the manager of the construction site. Now, leave the work here to me. Today, you go back early and have a good rest!"

9.4-2

回家的路上，我把車開到一個空停車場，然後放聲大哭。這時，我雖是懷疑，但認為我以前在和平房產局（參見第6章）和在拓疆房地產公司（參見9.1節）工作時，背後有劉團長的幫助。我出國後，沒有了他的幫助，兩年多了，連個正經的工作都找不著。我回國去看望他，說什麽呀！？沒臉去見他！我又想：這是劉健君到現在還沒找著對象，還結婚後又離婚了！？老頭子又想起我來了，又鬧心了！可是我已經結婚了，還能怎麽辦！我失聲哭過後，全身舒服了，忽然想，“老頭子這是又玩什麽花樣？你不是要用 “死不瞑目” 詛咒我麽，一輩子不能和我見麵嗎?”

注9.4-2，就在這時，“死不瞑目”（參見2.4節《劉團長對桃花劫的講解》）這個詛咒從我的無意識跳到了意識。我感覺劉團長是在詛咒我，但我並沒有回憶出什麽證據，隻是隱約地感覺我在第6章《和平房產局》時，也是他在背後幫助我。

On the way home, I pulled into an empty parking lot and let loose. At this point, although I was skeptical, I thought that when I used to work at Heping Housekeeping Bureau (see Chapter 6) and at TJ Real Estate Ltd (see Section 9.1), I had the help of Troupe Leader Liu. After I left China, without his help, I couldn't even find a decent job for two or three years. When I went back to China to visit him, what did I say? I didn't have the face to see him! I also thought that this is Eve Liu so far has not found a partner or married and then divorced! The old man remembered me again, and disturbed! But I'm already married, what else can I do! After I lost my voice and cried, my whole body comfortable, suddenly thought, “the old man this is again playing what tricks? Aren't you going to curse me with ‘Die with Eyes Open’, and not be able to see me for life?”

Annotation 9.4-2, just at this moment, the curse of “Die with Eyes Open” (cf. v. 2.4) jumped from my unconscious to my conscious mind. I felt that Troup Leader Liu was cursing me, but I did not recall any evidence of this, except that I had a vague feeling that he was also behind me in Chapter 6 “Heping Housekeeping Bureau”.

9.4-3

一天夜裏，我妻子突然對我說：“你怎麽了？三更半夜不睡覺，在那裏唉聲歎氣！”

我說：“我什麽也沒想。”

妻子說：“我都看得很清楚，自從我說我懷孕了，你就不開心了，一天天的總是悶悶不樂，在那裏發呆。”

這時我才意識到，兩周前和劉加力談話後，我的全身都像是有沉重的感覺（注3），不一樣，心情也不一樣。將有孩子了，我和妻子商量換家公寓住。我也打算找份新工作，離開這家岩土顧問公司，那老頭子（劉團長）就找不著我了。

注9.4-3，當時我不懂，現在想來，那時我患了抑鬱症。

One night, my wife suddenly said to me, “What's wrong with you? Not sleeping in the middle of the night, sighing there!”

I answered, “I'm not thinking about anything.”

My wife said, “I can see it all very clearly, ever since I said I was pregnant, you've been unhappy, and you're always moping around day after day.”

At this time, I realized that two weeks ago after talking to Garry, my whole body is like a heavy feeling (Annotation 3), different, and different mood. There will be a child, and my wife and I are discussing a new apartment to live in. I was also planning to find a new job and leave this geotechnical consultancy, so that old man (Troupe Leader Liu) wouldn't be able to find me anymore.

Annotation 9.4-3, I didn't understand it at that time, but now I think that I suffered from depression at that time.

 

9.5 桫欏給我改性格 Sal Changes my Personality

2004年8月，我到Davroc 測試實驗室有限公司工作。老板桫欏（Sal Fasullo，如插圖9.5）是個意大利人，50歲左右。他有個小心計，就是給新來的員工多到做不完的工作，還總催促快、快、快。這樣讓新員工在剛到新環境時變成勤快人。結果，我不知不覺中變成了勤快人。桫欏看到了我性格的變化，對他這個小計劃的成功感到驕傲，但有美中不足。

隨著長子的出世，我開始了新生活，工作之餘出去釣魚，整天無所事事。兩年後在一次公司聚餐中，桫欏看著我們，對女秘書，安琪拉，說：“咱公司的人都怕我；你說我怕誰？”

 In August 2004, I joined Davroc Engineering & Testing Ltd. The owner, Sal Fasullo (see fig. 9.5), is an Italian, about 50 years old. He has a careful plan, that is, to give the new employees too much work to do, and always urge fast, fast, fast. This makes new employees more diligent when they first arrive in a new environment. As a result, I unknowingly became a diligent person. Sal saw the change in my personality, was proud of the success of his little project, but there was a fly in the ointment.

With the birth of my first son, I started a new life, going fishing outside of work and doing nothing all day. Two years later, at a company dinner, Sal looked at us and said to the female secretary, Angela: "The people in our company are afraid of me; Who do you say I'm afraid of?”

安琪拉說：“我不知道你在自己的公司裏還怕人，你怕誰？”

桫欏說：“我怕盧岩！不知道咋回事。他剛來的時候，還是我麵試的他呢。當時看見他，我就毛愣愣的。他走了我就琢磨：我為什麽這麽害怕呢（注1）！？所以從他來公司上班，我就開始觀察他。我琢磨了這兩年了，才明白：他是個好人！你知道啥叫好人不？”

注9.5-1，這是我肉眼通（參見第3章）的作用，看見的人感受各異。

Angela said: "I don't know that you are still afraid of people in your own company, who are you afraid of?”

Sal said, "I'm afraid of Yan Lu! I don't know what's going on. When he first arrived, I interviewed him. When I saw him, I was stunned. When he left, I wondered: Why am I so afraid? So, from the day he came to work, I started observing him. I pondered it for two years before I realized: he is a Goodman! Do you know what is a Goodman?

Annotation 9.5-1, this is the effect of my “Flesh Eye Through” (refers to chapter 3), and people who see it feel differently.

安琪拉被問得不安了，說：“我本來知道！但你這麽問，我就不知道了。他到底哪裏不一樣？”

桫欏說：“你就是不知道什麽是好人！真正好人的世界裏沒壞人；盧岩看我是好人!”

安琪拉說：“啊！你是壞人！”

桫欏說：“我說的這種好人，罕見！全世界有多少個？我不知道，也許有60個。他沒親眼看見人殺人，就不相信人會殺人。”

Angela was disturbed by the question and said: "I knew! But if you ask that, I don't know. What is different about him?”

Sal Fasullo said: "You just don't know what a Goodman is! There are no bad people in the world of Goodman’s eyes; Luyan sees me as a good person!"

Angela said: "Ah! You are the bad guy!”

Sal said, "The kind of Goodmen I'm talking about are rare! How many are there in the world? I don't know, maybe 60 of them. He didn't believe that people would kill without seeing them kill with his own eyes.”

安琪拉問：“那他就沒在報刊雜誌、電視電影裏看過？”

桫欏回答：“當然看見了，但那種在媒體上看見的對他的影響小。”

安琪拉問：“這盧岩是不是傻呀？”

桫欏立刻說：“你才傻呢！傻咱還說他幹啥！在某些方麵盧岩還很聰明！他能理解出許多別人琢磨不明白的事。”

Angela asked, "Then he hasn't seen it in newspapers, magazines, TV movies?"

Sal replied, "Of course he saw it, but what he saw in the media had little effect on him."

Angela asked, "Is this Luyan stupid?"

Sal immediately said: “You’re stupid! Silly, let's say what he does! In some ways, Luyan is still smart! He can understand many things that others do not understand.”

桫欏又說，他看見我生氣，就害怕，怕得連心都哆嗦。他最終沒研究明白為什麽，但他想出了一個解決辦法。他說我生氣是因為我在工地受氣了，懦弱，不打架。過後，我想起來生氣，責怪他這個經理沒做好本職工作。他說，在工地受氣了就應該立刻和他們打架，不打架是我的性格所致。作為男人，這性格可不行。他說他是我懦弱性格的最大受害者。為了解決這個問題，他決定把我的性格改一改。

Sal also said that when he saw me angry, he was afraid, so afraid that his heart trembled. He didn't figure out why in the end, but he came up with a solution. He said that I was angry because I was bullied at the construction site, and I was cowardly and didn't fight. Later, I remembered that I was angry and blamed him as a manager for not doing his job well. He said that if I was bullied at the construction site, I should have fought with them immediately. And I didn't fight because of my personality. As a man, this personality is not acceptable. He said that he was the biggest victim of my cowardly personality. To solve this problem, he decided to change my personality.

安琪拉驚訝了，說：“性格還能改！咋改？你還有這本事！”

桫欏驕傲地說：“看你，又不知道了吧！人都說我，幹啥啥不行，啥都不知道！其實他們都不知道：我就幹這個在行。怎麽做？你就等我以後告訴你吧！照我說的做就行了。”

前麵聚會時談的話，我沒在意。我是搞工程質量檢測和建築材料取樣的，常常一天走幾個工地。

Angela was surprised and said, "You can change personality! How? You can do it!"

Sal Fasullo said proudly, "Look at you, you don't know anything again! People say I can't do anything, and I don't know anything! In fact, they don't know I am good at this. How to do it? You just wait for me to tell you later! Just do as I say."

I didn't pay much attention to what was said at the previous gathering. I was doing project quality inspection and building material sampling, and I often visited several construction sites a day.

事例一 Case 1

一段時間後，工地裏有人向我抱怨：“我們一直很尊重你，沒對你有區別對待，你怎麽抱怨我們不尊重你呢？”

我回答：“我沒發現你們不尊重我，沒抱怨過。”

“什麽你沒抱怨過！我們公司來電話，說你怎麽，怎麽的。”

這我當然生氣了，我沒做過那事，就吵。隨後，他們向我道歉，說一定是公司裏的人把名字搞錯了。

After a while, someone on the construction site complained to me: "We have always respected you and did not treat you differently, why do you complain that we do not respect you?"

I replied, "I didn't see you disrespecting me, I didn't complain."

"What haven't you complained about! Our company calls and says how you are, how you are.”

Of course, I was angry, I didn't do that, just argued. Later, they apologized to me, saying that someone in the company must have mistaken the name.

事例二Case 2

一次，我去個工地，感覺人們很怪異，說話帶刺，就說：“你們這地方，怎麽這麽特殊呢！”

甲人說： “是！連我自己都感覺自己特殊！”

我感覺事情不妙，對另一個人說：“哎呀！我感覺有人用話熏我呢！”

乙人對甲說： “別挑訓！” 我當然愣住了，叨咕：“我什麽時候害著它了！”

有人勸我：“別理它，他今天早上吃錯藥了。”

我委屈又認真地說：“我真想不起來，發生什麽事了！”

來人拉我走說：“什麽都沒發生，你能知道什麽。誰也不知道他跟誰生氣了！”

Once, I went to a construction site and felt that people were weird and prickly, so I said, "Why is this place so special!"

Person A said, "Yes! Even I feel special!”

I felt that things were not going well and said to another person, "Oops! I feel like someone is smoking me with words!”

Person B said to Person A: "Don't pick on him!" Of course, I was stunned and muttered: "When did I hurt him!"

Someone advised me: "Ignore him, he took the wrong medicine this morning."

I said aggrievedly and seriously: "I really can't remember what happened!"

The person pulled me away and said: "Nothing happened, what can you know. No one knows who he was angry with!"

事例三 Case 3

一次，我去個工地去取測試材料的樣本，忽然工地的人對我的態度變了，告訴我說：“我們從安全上考慮，你不能自己去那裏取樣兒，我們派某人把樣品給你取來，你在這裏等著。”

我感覺奇怪！就爭吵：“我以前都是自己去取的，某某人不知道怎麽做工程材料取樣兒。你們要搞什麽鬼？日後材料質量出了問題，問我，我怎麽回答呀！不行！”

Once, I went to a construction site to get samples of test materials. Suddenly, the people at the construction site changed their attitude towards me and told me: "For safety reasons, you can't go there to get samples by yourself. We will send someone to get the samples for you. You wait here."

I felt strange! So, I argued: "I used to get them by myself. Someone doesn't know how to take samples of construction materials. What are you doing? If there is a problem with the quality of the materials in the future and they ask me, how can I answer? No way!"

工地的人說：“這是我們領導告訴我們這麽做的！”

我說：“我活見鬼了！取樣就必須由我自己做，這是規範和我的工作要求。你們這是在浪費我的時間！我不記得我們有什麽過結。你們怎麽突然刁難起我來了！”

最後，他們也沒辦法，就都陪我一起去取樣本。

The people at the construction site said, "Our leader told us to do this!"

I said, "What the hell! I must do the sampling myself. This is the specification and my job requirement. You are wasting my time! I don't remember any conflicts between us. Why are you suddenly making things difficult for me!"

Finally, they had no choice but to go with me to collect samples.

對我的影響 Impact on Me

幾個月的事情裏有蠱怪（腐屍蟲在作怪，如圖9.5-2）。我漸漸地明白了：肯定是桫欏背後搞鬼；他想讓我有脾氣，頭上長角，身上長刺！我氣憤地對自己叨咕：“改性格！竟扯這些沒用的！你咋不給我漲工資呢！”

一次在工地，我忽然向工地四周望，想，“那老頭子（劉團長）幾年都不來逗我玩兒了，他是不是死了！？小時候，梁伯姨父（注，是劉團長安排給我的啟蒙老師）經常逗我玩，後來他（劉團長）就來和我尋開心，現在他死了，沒人再注意到我了！在國內，有他的照顧，我工作中還有個臉；到加拿大五、六年了，我連個工程師都沒混上。”安省工程師學會讓我參加它們的工程師資格審查考試，我拖拖拉拉，到現在還沒認真準備。從此，我開始認真準備工程師的資格考試了。

There were carrion beetles (aka. Thor’s Devils, see figs. 9.5-2) causing trouble in the past few months. I gradually realized that it must be Sal Fasullo who plotted the incidents; he wanted me to have a temper, grow horns on my head, and thorns on my body! I angrily muttered to myself: "Change my personality! These are useless! Why don't you give me a raise!"

Once at a construction site, I suddenly looked around and thought, "That old man (Troupe Leader Liu) hasn't come to play with me for several years. Is he dead? When I was a child, Uncle Liang(note, who is my revelation-teacher arranged by Troupe leader Liu) often played with me. Later, he (Troupe Leader Liu) came to have fun with me. Now he is dead, and no one pays attention to me anymore! In China, with his care, I still have a face at work; I have been in Canada for five or six years, but I haven't even become an engineer." The Ontario Institute of Engineers asked me to take their engineer qualification examination, but I procrastinated and have not prepared seriously until now. From then on, I began to prepare seriously for the engineer qualification examination.

事例四 Case 4

一次在多倫多的TTC Mt Dennis Bus Garage工地，多倫多地鐵工會，還有他們從外地請來的兩位專家，組成了一個調查組來調查我。他們對會議記錄裏留下的我的抱怨處理不了。幾個人輪流過來和我談話，後來一起來了。他們誰也看不明白我的眼神（肉眼通），認為我知道他們調查的策略，在嘲笑他們。

我說：“我可沒時間跟你們閑聊，我還要幹活呢！”

Once at the TTC Mt Dennis Bus Garage site in Toronto, the Toronto Metro Union, and two experts they brought in from out of town formed an investigation team to investigate me. They couldn't handle my complaints left in the minutes. Several people took turns coming to talk to me and later came together. None of them could understand my eyes (Flesh Eye through, refers to chapter 3), thought I knew the tactics they were investigating, and were laughing at them.

I said, "I don't have time to make small talk with you, I still have to work!"

一個人說：“我們這哪是在閑聊！從記錄上第一次出現了你的抱怨，我們就努力改正，讓人們注意禮貌。到現在有三、四次你受到不公平待遇的記錄了，我們處理不了，在做決定是否交給警察來處理！”

另一個人說：“受害人什麽都不知道，怎麽報警！”

他們走的時候，還在議論，一個人說：“這肯定是他們公司搞的鬼。”

另一個人問：“那，他們公司幹這事兒幹啥？”

過了幾天，我才想起來，這又是桫欏在給我改性格.

One person said, "Where are we gossiping! From the first time your complaint appeared on the record, we worked hard to correct it and get people to pay attention to politeness. So far, there are three or four records of you being treated unfairly, we can't deal with it, and we are deciding whether to hand it over to the police!”

Another said: "The victim doesn't know anything, how to call the police!"

When they left, they were still talking, and one person said, "This must be Davroc tricking us!”

Another asked, "So, why do they trick us?”

It took me a few days to remember that it was Sal Fasullo who was changing my personality again.

事例五 Case 5

我外出工作，和我們公司別的部門的人嘮嗑，他們說我和桫欏關係好：桫欏對我像是他兒子似的，說我是我們公司的二老板。我對此事很煩，認為他們是瞎說。他們卻很認真，說：這是真的！我都聽說好久了，咱公司裏都這麽說。但是，我認為這是拿我尋開心，這話題沒意思。

說的人多了，漸漸地，我對這種說法接受了，認為我自己的工作幹得好，得到了老板的肯定。

I went out to work and chatted with people from other departments of our company, they said that I had a good relationship with Sal: Sal treated me like his son, and I was the second boss of our company. I was annoyed by this and thought they were talking nonsense. But they were serious and said: This is true! I've heard it for a long time, and we all say it in our company. However, I think this is making fun of me, and this topic is not interesting.

More people said it, and gradually, I accepted this statement, thinking that I had done a good job and was affirmed by the boss.

 

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