【星空月夜花前授詩百首】：《你走後, 我很孤獨》（2016.5.4）

                             【星空月夜花前授詩百首係列】：《你走後, 我很孤獨》

 

                                                                    文/天朝玉

 

終稿：

            【你走後, 我很孤獨】

 

                   文/天朝玉

 

你走後 
一人去超市買菜
買回的隻是
孤獨與淒涼

倆個人的世界
突然變成一人
像剛出獄的囚徒
麵對自由 不知所措

習慣性地去拿
你愛吃的甜食
又慢慢放回貨架

不會再爭執
周末看什麽電影
屋裏隻有心跳回聲
鍾表嘀嗒

告訴自己
新的習慣會代替舊的
給自己一些時間
再多些時間

總有一天
會走出孤獨隧道
仰頭告訴藍天
我不再孤獨 

 

初稿：

      【你走後, 我很孤獨】

 

              文/天朝玉

 

你走後
一人去超市買菜
買回的隻是
孤獨與淒涼

倆個人的世界
突然變成一人
像剛出獄的囚徒
麵對自由
不知所措

習慣性地去拿
你愛吃的午餐
喜歡的甜食
又慢慢放回貨架

再不會爭執
周末看什麽電影
屋裏隻有
心跳的回聲
鍾表的嘀嗒
 
告訴自己
新的習慣
會代替舊的
給自己時間
再多些時間

總有一天
會走出孤獨隧道
臉上灑滿陽光
滿眼綠草鮮花

仰頭告訴藍天
我不再孤獨

 

        2016.5.4

 

詩歌評論修改建議筆記：

B：這是以前寫的一首詩，剛改了一下，適用於situations like parting due to death of a family member, breakup, long distance relationship...Not sure about last paragraph 

That lonesome feeling is a common, true feeling so it worths writing about

Try to be a little positive and optimistic at the end 

 

A：【你走後, 我很孤獨】

             文/天朝玉

你走後
一人去超市買菜
買回的隻是
孤獨與淒涼

倆個人的世界
突然變成一人
像剛出獄的囚徒(囚徒的比喻？）
麵對自由
不知所措

習慣性地去拿
你愛吃的午餐
喜歡的甜食（午餐或甜食，一樣就好）
又慢慢放回貨架

再不會爭執
周末看什麽電影
屋裏隻有
心跳的回聲
鍾表的嘀嗒
 
告訴自己
新的習慣
會代替舊的
給自己時間
再多些時間

總有一天
會走出孤獨隧道
（臉上灑滿陽光
滿眼鮮花綠草，可去掉，直接接後麵仰頭句）

仰頭告訴藍天
我不再孤獨

B：謝謝師父！我去改。。[玫瑰][玫瑰][咖啡][咖啡]

B：If you would like, let me me know the names of the mutual funds you currently have, I will take a look. 

A：問題：你的偶像認為如今股市走向如何？近期和中長期？還有那個板塊會表現好些？

B：哈哈，誰是我的偶像？

A：WB。或者你認為
估計就是股神也不會把話說死了……

B：He said we were entering unknown territory of long term zero interest rate, nobody knows for sure...could be a year of more volatility and adjustment from previous good years

There is a saying on Wall Street：Sell in May and then go away。近期

A：So don't buy now? Or buy at the end of May ?

B：Maybe put some in consumer staples and health care and back to mainstream in the fall

Summer months people are vacationing，not much going on

A：funny video 

B：哈哈哈
Cute! He knows how to enjoy life What is that?

A：What is mainstream?

B：Like S&P500
太多的說法了，等我考完試，好好分析一下，在告訴你，這兩天finals week

A：Don't worry.   

B：What is your risk aversion level? It also depends on that, risk lover, risk aversed people would invest differently. I need to know that before I give investment advice.

What is the best food or vitamins for healing wound after a surgery?

A: 西醫不講這個

B: Wouldn't certain vitamins help healing, like E,C, potassium?

A: Beta-carotene or vitamin A to promote healthy scar tissue. ...Vitamin C helps the body make collagen and is essential to wound healing because it helps the body form new tissue. ...Vitamin E promotes healing. ...Zinc stimulates wound healing.

B: I think you do better putting money in the stock market than keeping them in cash, at least not keeping that much in cash, large cap index funds are relatively safe anyway 

A: But I am not sure that you should take extra
Thanks for the advice

B: Ok, just multivitamin then
Thank you too!

You may Google "XXXXX", if you are interested, a good book for investing 

A: [OK]

B: You are going to add another title in your many talents in a few years: a cool investor [調皮] [呲牙] 不得了

B：

【你走後, 我很孤獨】

        文/天朝玉

你走後
一人去超市買菜
買回的隻是
孤獨與淒涼

倆個人的世界
突然變成一人
像剛出獄的囚徒(看下麵詳細解釋）
麵對自由 （這句是否可刪？）
不知所措

習慣性地去拿
你愛吃的甜食
又慢慢放回貨架

不會再爭執
周末看什麽電影
屋裏隻有
心跳的回聲
鍾表的嘀嗒
 
告訴自己
新的習慣
會代替舊的
給自己時間
再多些時間

總有一天
會走出孤獨隧道
仰頭告訴藍天
我不再孤獨 （這個“我“是否可以去掉？）

About 那個"囚徒"，你看過電影Shawshank Redemption 嗎？Sometimes prisoners have spent so long in a prison, once they let go, although they have freedom now, but the world has changed a lot, they didn't know how to live on their own anymore, like that old guy in the movie, he killed himself after he was out of prison.

Here, it could describe a relationship, maybe breaking away from a bad relationship, which is good, but habit is such a powerful thing, one still feels lonely after the breakup although he or she would never want to go back to that relationship 

I tried to write the poem so that more people could identify with the feelings, not just those who break up but those who lost loved ones or long distance romanced people 

A: One of my favorite movies！其實讀時就聯想到了那個“ institutionalized"。

B: 對，that is the right word!

 

我也喜歡那個電影，尤其是那段：他把別人關在外麵，放beautiful opera songs for the prisoners。。。

A:  yes,  "Marriage of Figaro" 

B: 習慣的囚徒
我很喜歡那段

There is another cool movie called Miller's Crossing, I love the opera music in that movie too. A very good movie.

Here is my favorite movie list. I also like European movies.

A: Good list. I have seen most of them

B: I am a big fan of movies, 中學學過戲劇導演，中戲，去年學術休假，差點報名紐約和洛杉磯的藝術學校學writing movie scripts, 結果改寫詩了，smaller projects, easier [愉快] 

One of those days I may still do it, if I have energy left, hahah

A: 加油

B: 謝謝！[愉快] 太不務正業了

這首還需要改哪? 題目好嗎？

A: 很好！

B: 好的，那就定了，謝謝

A：[OK]

 

 

文學城詩壇有趣評語跟帖：

 

https://bbs.wenxuecity.com/poetry/695970.html

 

————   雪萊：詩記錄著最善良的心靈中最善良的瞬間 ————