諸詩友翻譯《惜別詞》佳作小輯

《惜別詞》原韻如下：

亭邊一棵柳樹，橋頭一棵柳樹。縱有碧絲千萬條，怎能挽得行人駐？
岸上一聲杜鵑，水中一聲杜鵑：“行不得也哥哥！莫若回帆。”
 

謝琴韻兄分享美圖！

諸詩友翻譯《惜別詞》佳作集錦如下，排名不分前後，“---”號後為雪葵評：

活動 譯詩 （給曹老師交作業） 琴韻
曹老師說了，他這次要抄襲琴氏公式，那麽俺也就再用這個公式完成這個作業了，最後一次。

Willow willow, swaying in the wind,
One besides the gazebo and one stands at bridgehead.
Despite having thousands of threads,
Nobody can be stopped from going ahead.

A cuckoo is crying in the water,
Another cuckoo is sighing on the bank.
“Oh! my sweetheart,  please don’t  go。
Turn your sails back!”

--- 琴兄譯作，灰常精彩。不由地要賞析幾句：

Willow willow, swaying in the wind,
--- 越讀越覺得“琴公式”有魅力，像田園詩，像歌謠，別一番韻味！柳啊柳，風中搖，好。

One besides the gazebo and one stands at bridgehead.
--- 流暢自然，還是渲染的筆意

Despite having thousands of threads,
--- 這兒開始轉，這個despite跟縱然這個詞真得是100%鏡像！嗬嗬

Nobody can be stopped from going ahead.
--- 這句裏，個見：stop 不如用個具體動作的字，如pluck，pull啥的，entangle？英文有這個字嗎？另外，nobody 不具體，詞裏的“行人”還是理解為要遠行的哥哥更突出惜別的詩意。

A cuckoo is crying in the water,
--- 杜鵑 crying，好，那種心魂俱裂的呼叫

Another cuckoo is sighing on the bank.
--- 在改為 sigh ，則是一種無奈，帆越走越遠了，叫是叫不回來了，隻好sigh

“Oh! my sweetheart,  please don’t  go。
--- 這一句是自己對自己說，隻有自己聽得見，

Turn your sails back!”
--- 而這句就是感情迸發的叫喊了。

--- 全篇融為一體，對畫麵和聲音都譯出了原文的韻味！大讚！

活動 譯詩 邊砦

There is a willow tree beside the pavilion,
There is also a willow before the bridge waving.
Even willow branches blown to thousands lines,
How could they hold the pedestrians from leaving?

You heard one cry of cuckoo on the bank,
You also heard one cry of cuckoo from the bay.
“Rather than going away, my sweetheart!
You need to come back and forever stay.”

--- 大讚邊砦兄佳譯！韻律鏗鏘，用筆流暢感人，為一貫特色！

活動 譯詩 雨飄柔

A willow tree stands by a gazebo
Another in front of a bridge.
Why can't you make people stay
With your thousands green tendril arms?

A cuckoo cry coming from the bank,
Another from the water,
Both sadly said:
"Please don't leave, my dear! Turn around your sails!"

交作業： 折柳《惜別詞》 綠島陽光

One by the pavilion and one by the bridge they are standing
Two willows try hard to stop the traveller leaving
Even with the countless arms of stretching and catching
Their attempt looks failing

Calling from the shore and calling from the water
Cuckoos joint the plea and sound tender:
“My darling, the fun of life is us together to share and enjoy,
Please return and stay”!

--- 全篇精彩！有英文詩的旋律和韻味。上片賦予柳絲情感來暗喻人之情感，生動！俺個人最喜歡下片：

Calling from the shore and calling from the water
Cuckoos joint the plea and sound tender:
--- 這兩句的旋律柔和、韻腳產生的韻味濃鬱。plea 和 tender 字搭配貼切！

“My darling, the fun of life is us together to share and enjoy,
Please return and stay”!
--- to share 很感人，cuz the happiness cometh not from how much you have, but a loved one with whom you could share. 寫的好！漢語喜歡含蓄婉約，但英文常喜歡抒發情感。

盛情難卻 和眾詩友譯《惜別詞》 豌博
"Lyrics for an Unwilling Parting"

One willow tree rooted besides the pavilion,
another willow tree flagging at a bridge end.
Thousands of soft tender green strings waving,
how could grab walking-by people from behind?

A cuckoo screeching, first from the riverside,
and catching with another cry in the water:
"How could you leave me, dear brother!
You have just got to sail back."