12/19 星期日

醒來時已經是下午,窗外沒有陽光,陰鬱的天氣.從落地的窗望出去,看得到河岸和高速公路,一隻鴿子停在我的陽台上.又是一天,我討厭這種陰冷的冬日,絕望的情緒四處蔓延.我打開窗,讓房間裏的煙味散去,很久沒有抽煙,但昨晚心情實在低落,所以... 年少輕狂時,很向往那種頹廢的氣質,覺得很COOL;如今真的止不住的一路頹廢下去,才發現,頹廢帶著一種痛,刺得我體無完膚,卻隻能默默忍受.失望,恐慌,掙紮;再次失望,繼續恐慌,仍然掙紮...終有一天,絕望,還是恐慌,但不再掙紮,於是頹廢. --"Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family. Choose a fucking big television. Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players and electrical tin openers...choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing, spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pishing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked up brats you spawned to replace yourself. Choose a future. Choose life...But why would I want to do a thing like that? " 我很喜歡[TRAINSPOTTING],但隻看過一遍,雖然我有保存這電影.我沒有膽量再看第二遍,因為不願承認自己和電影裏的那群LOSERS是一類人,其實我心裏清楚,所以狂熱的喜歡這電影.表麵上看,我和他們不同,我有漂亮的學曆,不菲的收入,"正常"的朋友,是活在陽光下的人;而他們隻是一群垃圾,要偷要搶,為了繼續吸毒;like what they say, choose life, we chose the different life styles.應該感謝我父母,他們的"好孩子政策"幫我選擇了陽光下的生活,而不是做一堆垃圾.佛說,眾生平等;很諷刺,我這個陽光下的人,在精神上和那群垃圾相差無己,一樣的頹廢,一樣的絕望,一樣的齷齪,一樣的憤怒,一樣的無可救藥... 知道嗎,其實"垃圾"不是最糟的,至少他們承認他們是垃圾;包裝精美的"垃圾"才真正的讓人惡心,我覺得自己很惡心,在某種意義上. Choose life...how?