愛情是毒藥 2

複活節的危機

（二）

晚上我讀教會20周年感恩見證特刊時，一位姐妹的見證啟發了我。那位姐妹在了解到夢是神對人們說話的方式之一後，每當在生活中遇到重大的抉擇，她就向神祈求：如果這件事可行，請在我的夢中給我一個“綠燈”；如果神攔阻我行這事，就給我一個“紅燈”。

 

我和他都是那種外表看來嚴肅、拘謹，其實內心浪漫、多情的人，在茫茫的人海中彼此同時一見鍾情，這是多麽的不容易啊！幾乎算得上是奇跡了吧？相識不到一月，我們便已互相認定，對方就是我們所苦苦等待的人。我們幾乎同時進入同一家公司工作，在同一個屋頂下出出入入了近八年的時間卻從來沒有碰見過，正好在我與丈夫決定離婚並分居半年以後，以一種奇特的方式見麵了；一見麵，互相就觸了電一般。這是偶然的嗎？這難道不是神所設定的嗎？

 

我心亂如麻。我就也向神祈求：天父，感謝你愛我，你一直都愛我。如果他是你賜給我生命中的那一位，如果我們的交往是蒙神喜悅的，今夜請在我的夢中向我顯示綠色；反之，向我顯示紅色吧。

 

午夜夢回，我真地得到了啟示。我夢見一位警察正在調查一樁摩托車禍，他說出事的摩托車手穿著一件紅色的皮夾克！雖然在夢中我沒有見到紅色，但警察提到了紅色。我黯然了。我該怎麽辦？

星期二一上班，他的郵件就來了，邀請我去樓下的咖啡廳裏喝茶。我的心想衝下去，可是我的腦海裏還在回想著昨天晚上的夢。於是，我違心地拒絕了他的邀請。

 

但是我卻丟了魂似的，不能專心工作。我出外去小樹林裏逛了幾圈。回到電腦前，發現有他長長的一封郵件：

 

 

“I know and understand you have been upset because I did not call you. I apologize for that again, now. Last week I had told you that I have been going through a challenging, or rather difficult time, which has been like that for a while. This may not seem like an "excuse" and its is not one. Just a fact at a time of struggle with myself. But, not calling did not mean in any way that I was ignoring you. Far from that. I could never do that.

At the same time, the fact that you have become so upset about this made me remember that mind and reasoning should, as tough as this is, take priority over emotions. We both have been, I believe, going through very dificult times and we both have been more vulnerable perhaps, so to speak. We both came out of our "comfort zones" of solitude as a result. I do not think of this as being a mistake, and never will. I cannot deny, or oppose the way I feel about you. The only thing I can (and must try to oppose) is the need to meet with you. Sometime ago you sent me a message telling me that you made the difficult decision of not seeing me anymore, at least until things will have changed. Perhaps I should have respected that decision entirely and just wait until we both are past these difficult times.

However, you also said something else. And, every time you have said something I believed it and kept it with me; you must know this by now. You said that you will wait for me and for us, for however long it will take. One thing I cannot change about myself is this stupid, perhaps idiotic trait that I have of remaining much of a romantic person. Romantic people are almost imbeciles today. Such romantic persons often create and sometimes "live" in the little universe they make themselves, and take everyone and everything for granted. I have not been able to change this about myself, at least not yet. On one hand, I wish I could change it right now and become a cold, insensitive and "mechanical" person, same as I have been until just a little while ago. On the other hand, I hope I will never change, because if I do, it will feel like I lost my soul.

I am sorry if there are things in this letter that do not make sense to you. I wanted you to know that I will continue to believe that we will both wait for each other. This means that, for both our well being or mental integrities, I will not ask that I see you, outside of a cup of tea on a break perhaps. I made a promise to you that I will not disrespect you, nor myself. I must keep this promise.

But I also want you to know that, despite the physical distance, I will wait until the day we do not have to anymore.

Please try to forgive me for Saturday."

讀完這封郵件，我的心都化了！愛情啊，你究竟是什麽？你在我行屍走肉的生活中注入了生命，你激活了我心中浪漫多情的種子。因了愛情，我看天，天藍；我看花，花好。我的心裏已經化解了，但還是有點耿耿於懷，就幹巴巴地回複他：

 

 

“Nobody asked you to change and nobody can change you.

 

Don't change; otherwise you'll not the same person I fall in love with.

 

I'll always wait for you if you're the one.”

 

 

他回答說：

 

 

“I know I am. Because I know you are the one too.

I will have to learn to be patient. Starting today.

I also promised you that every day I will tell you this:

I love you.

This will never change. No matter how long or how short we will not see each other, you will see these words coming to you every day."

 

至此，我終於可以坐下來專心工作了。

 

快下班的時候，我想他想得不行。就給他發了一句話：“I miss you.”

 

不久，有人推門進來，--是他！

 

愛情！有人說你是苦酒，有人說你是毒藥！Life is too short。愛情！--即使是苦酒是毒藥，我今天也要把它給喝了！