by Mary Pipher
All my life, I have been motivated by two powerful passions — to learn and to be loved. My most intense curiosity has centered on relationships and the human spirit. I’ve always wanted to better understand human nature.
As a therapist, I have spent my adulthood asking clients to share their lives with me. My reward has been a continuing education program on the foibles, flaws, strengths and courage of ordinary people. With my first seven books, I shared what I had learned from my work as a therapist. In my latest, I offer what I have learned from my complicated, dense, sad and joyous life. Here are ten lessons to live by:
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1. We cannot work with, live with or negotiate with others unless we respect them. As a therapist, I learned to search for what was lovable and worthy in my clients. It wasn’t that difficult to find. Almost everybody is doing the best he or she can. All people are capable of growth and most people want to improve themselves. And every person has a unique point of view on the universe. When we understand the context in which others act, we are often more sympathetic and respectful of them.
2. Most people’s lives are hard all of the time and everyone’s life is hard some of the time. Or, as Wynton Marsalis put it, "Life has a board for every behind." While most of us manage to look cheery in public, everyone is carrying or will be carrying a heavy burden. Everyone.
3. Our deepest yearning is for self-acceptance. We all seek inner peace. Almost all of us feel uniquely flawed in some important way. We overestimate how healthy the rest of humanity is! Buddhist monk Thich Nhat Hanh has the best advice for harshness with the self. When it occurs, he recommends that we hug ourselves and say, "Darling, I love you just the way you are."
4. Many Americans experience quiet, polite breakdowns. But because they don’t complain and keep soldiering on, no one has any idea that they are falling apart. That is what happened to me the winter of 2002. I fulfilled all my responsibilities and acted as I always had. Only my husband knew that I was depressed.
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5. Americans, including children, are consistently mis-educated about the nature of happiness. For example, we are taught that happiness means indulging in our impulses. In fact, if we follow the recommendations of advertisers and mass media, we end up stressed, rushed, addicted, unhealthy and broke. Many people work 80 hours a week to buy the speedboat and tranquilizers they need to cope with their stressful job. The person with the most toys does not win in the end. I’ve worked with such people in therapy and they are miserable.
6. Thrills of a lifetime are great, but most of life’s satisfactions come from regularly scheduled events. Meaningful daily work, the Saturday morning walk with a beloved dog, the evening glass of wine with one’s partner, the monthly potluck with pals or the annual family reunion in the Rockies are what make life rich in peace and joy.
7. The secret of happiness is reasonable expectations. It’s always something. Don’t expect to take a long car trip with small children without some tears and spilled drinks. Don’t hope for a holiday dinner for 30 family members to be without incident. Tell yourself that if you only experience five tense moments, you will call it a grand event. As my Aunt Grace said, "I get what I want, but I know what to want."
8. Life goes so much better for us and for those around us if we learn to love what we have, not what we wish we had. When I was in my 40s, my mother died and I began to call my Aunt Agnes on Sunday evenings. She had lost her daughter and was eager to talk. We helped each other feel less lonely and more loved.
