得救、重生和成聖

我有很長一段時間的掙紮-就是沒有得救的確據。那時候我在的那間教會經常在出隊三福的時候或者給人受洗之前問這樣的問題：“如果主耶穌現在回來，你有把握和他一同坐席嗎？” 或是“如果今天你死了，你有把握上天堂嗎？” 這樣的問題總是讓我不自在！我沒有把握但我有盼望！那個時候我看到很多會友信心滿滿地回答：“確信”， 我真是落入百般的試探當中。

• 首先我會懷疑自己是否做得特別不好所以沒有信心；
• 然後又擔心神是否沒有揀選我所以沒把握；
• 最後又憤憤不平別人為什麽那麽有信心。

我知道自己每天有多少時間花在尋找這個問題的答案上。有一段時間被聖靈充滿說方言就是得救的確據之說深得我心。
第一、這種現象確實超自然；
第二、聖經中多次提起；
第三、很多人求都得到了。

• 所以我立即投身在尋求這項得救確據的火熱之中。我讀經、禱告、默想、認罪、禁食、哭泣、請人代禱、參加各種靈恩聚會、讀有關聖靈的書籍......經過40天的刻苦己心，神憐憫了我，我經曆了我夢寐以求的神跡，說了各種稀奇古怪的話，身邊的朋友都為我高興，我得了聖靈的印記，說了方言，有了永生的確據！然而我所在的教會卻反對提倡追求靈恩，把說方言甚至想成是邪靈的作為。每次聽到牧師講保護教會，堅決抵製靈恩派的滲透工作的講話時，我都感到心虛，好像自己是個臥底的特務似的。終於承受不了這種壓力，我投奔了朋友的教會。體會了3個月大喊大叫，大哭大笑的激情崇拜，我覺得很沒安全感：
• 3個月沒有領過一次聖餐
• 強調獨一真神，反對三位一體
• 太強調身體的感覺和反應：所有的見證都是聖靈充滿了誰，誰說方言了
  我回不了過去的教堂，也不喜歡新的教堂。最攪擾我的事-我還是無法麵對同樣的問題：“你有100%的把握會進天堂嗎？”我總是拒絕回答。“應該會把” 我心裏想。我口裏承認、心裏相信、奉父、子、靈的名受洗歸在耶穌基督的名下，每天讀經禱告，每周去教堂敬拜，有自己的團契小組，凡事都喜歡求問神，現在還說了方言，我應該具備了重生得救的全部條件：
  

1. 上帝憐憫了我們，賜下救恩的福音
2. 我是蒙了大恩的女子，聽到了這福音，而且是完備的福音
3. 我的心對神的憐憫和審判起了敬畏、渴慕、愛戀之情，我開始懊悔自己在不認識神的時候，所犯下的死行；
4. 在懺悔和禱告中我也開始相信神在基督的寶血中完全接納了我，賜給我兒子的名分和權柄；
5. 我在水洗之中向眾人表明我相信自己歸入基督的死，也進入基督複活的新生命；
6. 神也認可我對他福音的回應，賜下基督的靈，帶我進入神的國度
7. 我的生命也開始慢慢地改變，人生觀價值觀完全和以前不一樣了，時間和金錢的分配和使用也不一樣了

可是，為什麽沒有百分百的把握呢？為什麽常常沮喪呢？為什麽還是常常軟弱呢？為什麽一小群自稱非常愛主的姊妹聚在一起的時候，我常常會覺得非常不舒服呢？覺得別人的驕傲和自己的自義都常常讓我受傷呢？為什麽心裏還是有黑暗呢？-爭競的心、私欲、抱怨、浮躁。我清清楚楚看到各樣的罪在自己身上和周圍姊妹身上一一顯露。我常常用主的話語：“你們要用謙卑束腰，彼此順服”來約束自己，但心裏的痛苦卻與日俱增，現在我甚至盼望神帶領我到美國去，換一個全新的環境，遇到一群真正的聖徒來教導我如何做主的門徒和使女。
在主的孩子之間產生隔閡，真是讓神擔憂，也讓人愁煩。小組聚會需要很大的智慧。每個人的性格、背景、對聖經的熟悉程度、當前的處境、家人情況都不一樣，每個人到聚會中尋求的雖然都是神的同在但在具體的情感和理性上又都很不同。小組聚會的頭在傳統教會中總是由教會任命。在教會以外的小組多是自發組成。我現在的小組就是一群對主狂熱的姊妹組成的。但是這個時候誰來做頭，往往是性格強勢的姊妹。但是性格越強的姊妹，往往在主手中是最需要磨造的，己都很強的。難怪主說：“你們中間要做頭的要做眾人的仆人” 我們中間有一位姊妹信主時間最長，家裏麵積最大，屬靈書籍最多，我們喜歡到她家裏聚會，她也喜歡做我們的小組長。但我真的不喜歡她帶領我們的方式。有一次她說六一一教會的先知給她一個預言說：“她將要把一群關在鐵籠子裏的人釋放出來” 而她當時分享的口氣和環顧我們的眼神好像是我們就是那等待她釋放的囚犯。我的驕傲讓我立即覺得很受冒犯。除了主耶穌，誰能釋放別人呢？類似的事件不斷發生。剛開始聚會的時候，我剛剛說方言，很興奮就盼望大家能一起用方言禱告，這位姊妹很嚴厲地製止我們這麽做。她說：“我們要用悟性禱告直到不由自主說方言” 可是這次她從香港回來後，卻每次在別人用悟性禱告的時候，她在邊上用方言禱告，並告訴我們要用方言為別人做警醒禱告。我直覺告訴我，她在之前根本不能說方言，就不讓別人說。這次回香港得到這個恩賜，就要把自己提高到成為別人守護天使的地位上。好像別人禱告之中也帶有邪惡似的。我一直勉強自己去她家聚會，有3個原因：

1. 我最親愛的姊妹在裏麵，而且盲目崇拜這位姊妹，稱她為神仙姐姐；
2. 我喜歡借書看，這位姊妹家有很多好書。雖然很多她並沒有讀過。提到借書，我又有意見，每次想借的書，她還不肯，說一定要在神麵前禱告過之後才能知道那本書適不適合我們看。我最不喜歡看到人高抬自己到這樣的地步。
3. 我實在不知道哪裏還有狂熱愛主的姊妹的聚會地點。

我感謝神對我這麽小信又小心眼的罪人之中的罪魁不斷地守約施慈愛。我感謝主耶穌了解我想要得到確據的奴仆心態。我在掙紮與痛苦之中被神引領開始看大衛鮑森的新舊約概覽和他的書Normal Christian Birth。我高興地發現原來聖經隻給人“重生”的確據，卻不給人得榮耀的確據。我們有了聖靈內住之後，就有做完全人的力量、智慧和自由，但我們仍然可以選擇順著聖靈散種還是順從肉體散種，我們可以一直住在神愛子的國度裏，過在地如同在天的生活，我們也可以仍然活在世俗之中，為了眼前的利益出賣神兒子的名分如同以掃一樣。我們重生不是為了得救而是為了成聖。而成聖是一生一世的過程。原來那些自信的人是對神憐憫和慈愛的自信；不自信的人是對自己如何選擇每一天生活來滿足神心意的敬畏。這兩種都是需要的，我們不能太自信以至於放縱了私欲，在重生之後仍做罪的奴仆；我們也不能太小信，不明白神對我們的愛是何等長闊高深，遠超過一切智慧所能測度的。讓我們常保守自己的心在基督的愛裏，懷著對永生神的敬畏做成我們得救的功夫。救恩是白白賜下的，但我們要用信心去接受；成聖的力量和得勝的應許也是白白賜下的，但我們要用信心的行為去領受。正如迦南是神給以色列的應許之地，他們還是要在信心之中順服神的帶領去攻城掠地，高唱得勝的樂章。我感謝天父按他的形象造我們；我感謝主耶穌道成肉身來回收我們這些虧缺了神的榮耀變為無用的罪人；我感謝聖靈來賜給我們新的生命，有能力來榮神益人完全恢複成神起初要造我們的本意。我知道在今後的日子我也還會有各樣的難處，有各種要學習的功課，但神與我們同在。最後用一首聖詩來勉勵基督裏的眾聖徒：“生命交給主做王，日複一日年複一年，高唱得勝的樂章。”

[sheenwei]

We do not exist for ourselves alone, and it is only when we are fully convinced of this fact that we begin to love ourselves properly and thus also love others. What do I mean by loving ourselves properly? I mean, first of all, desiring to live, accepting life as a very great gift and a great good, not because of what it gives us, but because of what it enables us to give to others. The modern world is beginning to discover, more and more, that the quality and vitality of a man's life depend on his own secret will to go on living. There is a dark force for destruction within us, which someone has called the death instinct. It is a terribly powerful thing, this force generated by our own frustrated self-love battling with itself. It is the power of a self-love that has turned into self-hatred and which, in adoring itself, adores the monster by which it is consumed.
It is therefore of supreme importance that we face and accept our own limitations. As long as we secretly adore ourselves, our own deficiencies will remain to torture us with an apparent defilement. But if we live for others, we will gradually discover that no one expects us to be as gods. we will see that we are human, like everyone else, that we all have weaknesses and deficiencies, and that these limitations of ours play a most important part in all our lives.It is because of them that we need others and others need us. We are not all weak in the same spots, and so we supplement and complete one another, each one making up in himself for the lack in another.
Only when we see ourselves in our true human context, as members of a race which is intended to be one organism and one body, will we begin to understand the positive importance not only of the success but of the failures and accidents in our lives. My successes are not my own. The way to them was prepared by others. The fruit of my labors is not my own: for I am preparing the way for the achievements of another. Nor are my failures my own. They may spring from failure of another, but they are also compensated for by another's achievement. Therefore the meaning of my life is not to be looked for merely in the sum total of my own achievements. It is seen only in the complete integration of my achievements and failures with the achievements and failures of my own generation, and society, and time.
Only when this truth is absolutely central do other doctrines fit into their proper context. Solitude, humility, self-denial, action and contemplation, the sacraments, the monastic life, the family, war and peace - none of these make sense except in relation to the central reality which is God's love living and acting in those whom He has incorporated in His Christ. Nothing at all makes sense, unless we admit that" No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main".

[sheenwei]

This matter of salvation is, when seen intuitively, a very simple thing. But when we analyze it, it turns into a complex tangle of paradoxes. We become ourselves by dying to ourselves within ourselves, but only in others, yet at the same time before we can go out to others we must first find ourselves. We must forget ourselves in order to become truly conscious of who we are. The best way to love ourselves is to love others, yet we cannot love others unless we love ourselves since it is written, "thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself." But if we love ourselves in the wrong way, we become incapable of loving anybody else. And indeed when we love ourselves wrongly we hate ourselves; if we hate ourselves we cannot help hating others. Yet there is a sense in which we must hate others and leave them in order to find God. Jesus said:"If any man come to me and hate not his father and his mother and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple" (Luke 14:26). As for this "finding" of God, we cannot even look for Him unless we have already found Him, and we cannot begin to seek Him without a special gift of His grace, yet if we wait for grace to move us, before beginning to seek Him, we will probably never begin.