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周末一笑: 死亡訃告(轉載)

(2015-10-30 17:29:57) 下一個

1 死亡訃告

The phone rang in the obituary department of the local newspaper. "How much does it cost to have an obituary printed?” Asked the woman.

"It's five dollars a word, ma'am," the clerk replied politely. "Fine," said the woman after a moment. "Got a pencil?" "Yes ma'am." "Got some paper?" "Yes ma'am."

"Okay, write this down: 'Cohen dead'." "That's all?" asked the clerk disbelievingly. "That's it." "I'm sorry ma'am, I should have told you - there's a five word minimum."

"Yes, you should've," snapped the woman. Now let me think a minute... okay, got a pencil?" "Yes ma'am." "Got some paper?" "Yes, ma'am." "Okay, here goes: 'Cohen dead. Cadillac for Sale.'"

地方報社負責刊登死亡訃告的部門電話響了。“登一篇訃告多少錢？”一位女士問。

“五美元一個字，太太。”書記員禮貌地回答。“好的，”女士沉默了一小會兒，“拿著筆呢嗎？”“是的，夫人。”“紙呢？”“是的，夫人。”

“好的，這樣寫：‘科恩去世了’”“就這些了？”書記員疑惑地問道。“對，就這些。”“很抱歉，夫人，我剛才沒有告訴您，在我們這登訃告最少也得五個字。”

“沒錯，你就應該告訴我，”女士有點生氣了，“現在我得考慮一下，嗯…拿著筆呢嗎？”“是的，夫人。”“紙呢？”“是的，夫人。”“好的，這樣寫：‘科恩去世了，出售一輛卡迪拉克轎車。’”

2 每一次都付了！

A friend and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the prescreening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.

“Have you ever paid for sex?” The woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, “Every time.”

一位朋友與她的丈夫在一輛獻血車上參加獻血活動，而作為預選過程的一部分，一位上了年紀的誌願者要問他們一些問題

“你有沒有曾經為性生活付過錢？（言下之意：有沒有在外沾花惹草的經曆）”，那位女誌願者用甜美的聲音問我朋友的丈夫。

朋友的丈夫疲倦地瞥了他妻子一眼，同時盡力地哄著剛出生不久的寶寶，眼睛還得盯著在妻子身邊亂轉的另外幾個孩子，歎了口氣，說道，“每一次都付了。”

3 爸爸會不高興的

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise.

"Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you, “Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon."

一個農家小孩好像意外打翻了一車玉米，住在附近的一個農夫聽見了，

喊道：“威利斯，先放那吧。過來和我們呆會兒，一會兒我幫你扶起來。”

“太好了”，威利斯答道，“但是爸爸會不高興的。”“哎呀，快來吧”，農夫仍然在堅持。“好吧”，小男孩終於點頭答應了，“但是爸爸真的會不高興。”

一頓豐盛的晚餐之後，威利斯向農夫表示感謝：“我覺得好多了，但是爸爸肯定很不高興。”“別傻了”，農夫笑著說，“哦，對了，你爸爸在哪了？”“車底下。”

4 晨起反應

The neighbor dropped in on a friend and found her sitting at the kitchen table, staring blankly at a half-empty cup of coffee, her three kids squabbling loudly in the other room.

“What's wrong?” she asked. The friend told her that she had “morning sickness”.

Surprised the neighbor said, “I didn't even know you were pregnant.”

“I'm not.” the harried young woman replied. “I’m just sick of mornings.”

一個鄰居順道去拜訪自己的一位朋友，發現她正呆坐在廚房的桌子旁，眼睛茫然地盯著已經喝了一半的咖啡，她的三個孩子正在隔壁的房間裏大聲地喧嘩。

“怎麽了？”她問。朋友告訴她自己不過是有點“晨起反應”。

鄰居非常吃驚，說，“我甚至都不知道你又懷孕了！

“哦，我沒有懷孕，”年輕的婦人苦惱地回答，“我隻是膩煩透了早上而已！”

5 我還是喜歡傳統的儀式

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted for the contemporary. On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pant legs to keep his trousers dry. When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting. "Pull down your pants, whispered the pastor. "Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

一對年輕的夫婦和牧師商定婚禮的日期。牧師問他們是喜歡當代儀式還是傳統的，他們選擇了當代的。婚禮那天，強烈的暴風雨迫使新郎走了另一條路去教堂。街上積水很深，為了避免弄濕褲子他卷起了褲腿。最後他終於來到了教堂，伴郎趕忙擁他進了大殿走上聖壇，典禮開始了。“把褲腿放下來。”牧師小聲說。“嗯，牧師，我改變主意了，”新郎說，“我想我還是喜歡傳統的儀式。”

6 維持婚姻的秘訣

Some people ask the secret of Anthony's long marriage.

They take time to go to a restaurant two times a week:

a little candlelight dinner, soft music, and a slow walk home.

The Mrs. goes Tuesdays; He goes Fridays.

有人問Anthony擁有長久的婚姻的秘訣。

秘訣是：他們每周去兩次餐廳：

聽著輕柔的音樂吃一頓燭光晚餐，然後漫步回家。

不過Anthony太太是周二去，而Anthony是周五去。

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