【市井小文】 當美女愛上有主的癩蛤蟆

[市井小文] 當美女愛上有主的癩蛤蟆 - by  lilac   [前言] 癩蛤蟆總是YY想吃天鵝肉，無可非議, 但如果天鵝偏偏神經搭錯筋對癩蛤蟆情有獨衷, 而癩蛤蟆不巧又終身已定的時候，會發生什麽事呢？ Marisa Tomei and our George boy, a story about swan and toad, what will happen when the swan has a thing for an unavailable toad? 請看失敗者Georgie boy 和大美女Marisa Tomei的故事 強製性的要求（非溫馨提示）：先看video clip [Seinfeld節選] 再看文!   In the local restaurant the gang usually hangs around, George gets to know Katie, Elaine’s friend, happens to know a famous actress, an Oscar winner, Marisa Tomei.  Not just “know”, she claims that Marisa is her friend. If you think this is unbelievable for someone to have a celebrity friend, see what is next. According to Katie, this Hollywood star happens to have an unusual fetish for short, quirky and funny guys and she LOVES (capital love) bald and now she is now sitting at home without any dates. No one fit this “lover” profile better than our Georgie boy. What are the odds of a Hollywood A-list actress having a thing for short, bald, quirky guys? One to a million, or one to a billion? The other way around is much more reasonable and seen in our society. As George says, he has never ever been anybody’s type and “bang” suddenly once in a blue noon, he becomes Marisa Tomei’s type. This must be the chance of a lifetime for our Georgie boy.  How can you let him sit there and let it go? The only problem here is that George has be engaged with Susan. Otherwise, Katie said that she would fix George up with Marisa Tomei. What a shame!  One day ago, George would thank God that a scum like him has been luckily taken by this nice Susan girl. But now, George would like to pray to God to let Susan disappear from the world for good . After knowing Marisa’s particular thing, George can hardly go on with his normal life. He rents all the movies that Marisa Tomei has starred in and watched them over and over again. George’s built-up obsession even triggers Susan suspicion.  She jokes about it, but it is still hard for her to put George and Marisa Tomei together, the gap between them even wider than the Milky Way. One funny scene is about George’s day dreaming about Marisa. He fantasizes that Marisa suddenly shows up in his small dingy kitchen, hair up, in a curve-hugging black dress, with golden light glowing around her svelte body, sexy and classy, like a goddess. This “goddess” descends gracefully from the heaven, sits intimately besides George – a 40 years old bald stocky man in sweat pants, stares at him lovingly and confesses she loves him every passing minute. George must be on the top of the world. Although they may be late for the “premiere” as Marisa claims if George doesn’t hurry up to get dressed soon, the two lovebirds roll into couch and make out wildly. George is so into it that he runs his hand over his bald head passionately, pretending it is the caress from Marisa. Then he raises his head slowly from his erotic dream to catch Susan staring at him coldly. Marisa Tomei in his arms suddenly turns to a cushion. Susan doesn’t say a word and returns to the kitchen. Maybe she is too sick of his fiancé’s pervert act to make any comments. It is hilarious to see George smoothing with a cushion. Anyway, after numerous efforts and begging, George finally gets a date set up with Marisa. He sneaks around Susan to see Marisa. They two hit it off at the beginning. George pulls some silly manure joke, and Marisa really falls for it. One line from Marisa really cracks me up - “tell me, how is it that a man like you, so bald, and so quirky and funny, how is it you're not taken”. It is hard to believe Marisa means it if it isn’t for the sincerity in her tone. Unfortunately, the infatuation doesn't last long. Once Marisa gets to know George is engaged and still tries to hook up with her. She flies into rage, punches George into the face and storms away. (The audio is off  for this part in the video clip)Later, when Susan dies from their cheap toxic wedding invitation envelopes, the first thing George does is to call Marisa to tell her he is a free man now. “Her funeral is tomorrow, but my weekend is wide open…” Marisa definitely hangs up on him. That is the very end of our George’s fantasy. No question that George is a cold-hearted bastard, but I feel it is hard to blame George much.  Who can handle this cool-headedly if the same thing happens to you? Who doesn’t have a thing for Marisa Tomei if you are a guy, let alone you know that she also has a thing for you – an Average Joe ? Here George is not even an Average Joe. He is the lowest of the low.  It must be like turning away a million-dollar jackpot. If you, a regular John, can turn down a jackpot, you can do better than George. So if a toad lusts after a swan, the world will be peaceful, because the swan will usually scoff and fly away. But when a swan lusts after a toad, the world will be in a commotion because it is against the natural rules – the other green-eyed toads will raise a big uproar, “why him, not me,” and “I’m even quirkier, balder” that kind of crap, while the other arrogant swans would simply want to kill this audacious toad who must have played some evil tricks to put our swam mm under his spell. ~ha 引用馬同學的東北話，“臭不要臉一回”，把自個的市井小文當範文說道說道: (有用您就撿一個，沒用您就繞一下, 錯了您就砸一塊~~~): hangs around: 在某地逛蕩著 fetish: 特殊的癖好，尤指那方麵的, but every woman has a fetish for shoes quirky: 乖僻的, 怪癖的 scum: 人渣, 不是什麽好鳥 star in :主演 having a thing for: 對某人有意思 once in a blue noon : 就是天上下了次紅雨，老母豬真爬上了樹稍的說 fix up with: fix A up with B  - matchmaker 經常幹的事  for good:  永遠. e.g.  The theater closed down for good. built-up: 堆積的，積累的 dingy: filthy curve-hugging: 使曲線畢露的（衣服），(fashion雜誌裏撿的) svelte: 苗條修長，又不是太柴禾的那一種 stocky: 長的矮矮敦敦的那一類 on the top of the world : 太喜了, 所有人所有物都踩在腳下 make out: 親熱 smooth:  [美俚]接吻; 擁抱,  (每期明星小報都有的詞) pervert act: BT行為 sneaks around: 偷著繞著去幹什麽勾當 hit it off : 一打即燃，一拍即和 fly into rage: 勃然大怒,  縱身飛進熊熊怒火 falls for : 吃某人或某人的那一套, 帶著上當受騙的意味 cracks me up : 讓人笑，逗人樂 hook up with: 和某人搭上,  掛上 storm away: 氣衝衝, 急切切走掉, the lowest of the low : 人渣中的人渣，賤人中的至賤 turn away: turn down -- reject lust after: 癩蛤蟆對天鵝的那種感情 in a commotion: 陷入大混亂 scoff: 鄙視一下 green-eyed: 老美沒有紅眼病，隻有綠眼病 raise a big uproar: 喧囂聲一片 audacious:  大膽無恥，不知天高地厚, 臭不要臉的  (當年的紀阿姨單詞, 俺唯一剩下的不多的那一小撮中的一個) put ***** under a spell : 使了妖蛾子，蠱惑了***** Lilac Jan 2010.