周末一笑：Photo of My Wife

1 Photo of My Wife我老婆的照片

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. 

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

 

2 Endearing Terms可愛的稱呼

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. 

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and whispered," 

To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."
 

3 Psychiatrist精神病醫生

Jerry went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. 

Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!" Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry. 
Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

For a hundred bucks a visit? The bartender cured me for $10." "Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

4 Ground Rules基本規則

One of my favorite teachers at Southeast Missouri State University in Cape Girardeau was known of his droll sense of humor.

Explaining his ground rules to one freshman class, he said, "Now I know my lectures can often be dry and boring, so I don't mind if you look at your watches during class.

I do, however, object to your pounding them on the desk to make sure they're still running."

5 Chaude and Cold熱與冷

A patron in Montreal cafe turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded. "This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked C gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, C stands for chaude - French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a minute," roared the patron. "The other tap is also marked C."

"Of course," said the manager, "It stands for cold. After all, Montreal is a bilingual city."

6 Very stupid robbers兩個笨賊

Two robbers were robbing a hotel. The first robber said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13 th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious!"

（from internet)