| Farewell - To my beloved wife Cuiqin
(Original written in Chinese 惜別 ： 惜別―謹獻給我的愛妻翠琴[全文]
Time flies, your voice and smile, your warmth is still there, but in an instant, time has ruthlessly let the sun and the moon cross ten years... Is it providence or fate? Although ten years of suffering made me finally break through the ghost gate and pull our beloved daughter into adulthood; However, all things are not satisfactory. My beloved daughter is no longer the beloved daughter I used to be, and I can no longer boast of being a dutiful father... Ask yourself, although I don't know where the fault is, but I am really ashamed of the trust I have entrusted you... On the occasion of the 10th anniversary of your death, I apologize once again, and hope that your soul may be able to bridge the gap between our father and daughter. Do I know if my request is providential? But beyond that, I'm helpless...
1. Remembrance
You came into this world in a hurry, and with all kinds of sorrow and nostalgia, without leaving a word or a word; You opened your eyes with the last remaining strength: with that endless emotional love, you gazed at your beloved and our kind and beautiful little princess, and held her little hand with reluctance. It's time to say goodbye, willingly or without even a chance to speak ...
With hope and longing, with kindness and love, you have come to this world that you thought was full of beautiful love. In the Great Hall of Heaven, you have gazed at this amazing world countless times: rainbows dotting the blue sky and earth, and the warmth of the sun brings everything to life. Creatures of all shapes play and frolic in the jungle to their heart's content, and people live in warmth and harmony. In the beautiful Ili Garden, with the bursts of birds singing and flowers, the couples snuggled up to their relatives and whispered, just like a pair of lovesick birds in love pouring out their love and attachment to each other. . .
This is the world you aspire to! You ask God to allow you to come to this amazing world because there are your dreams there. Maybe it's a misalignment of time, the gods have mistakenly banished you to a completely strange world. The sky is so dark, and the earth is so desolate. Bullying, abduction, cunning and cruelty are everywhere in this bizarre world...
Suddenly, a sheep trying to escape from its pursuit bursts into your sight: exhausted from the long run, the wolf still in hot pursuit. The lamb had nowhere to hide, and its whole body trembled, and its weeping was accompanied by a miserable wail; It was so frightened that it couldn't keep its balance, but there was still a glimmer of desire to survive in its desperate gaze. It reluctantly scans everything around it, trying to find any glimmer of life that would allow it to survive ...
Seeing what is happening in front of you, you can't bear to let that little life die in the clutches of the wolf. It seems that you have forgotten the ferocity of the wolf, and you can't take care of yourself and are just like a weak girl, you quickly picked up the poor little life with an arrow, and fled from the ominous place with it...
In the darkness of the barren mountains and wilderness. There are no people, no food, no flowers and birds, only the raging winds and merciless thunderbolts and lightning, and the terrifying and miserable roar from the depths of the mysterious mountains makes you at a loss and unable to find a home. You gently touch the poor little creature that is dependent on you, and let it lie peacefully in your arms and try to calm its restlessness. The thunderstorm doesn't seem to stop, and even though you're almost soaking wet, you don't forget to shield the elf from the rain with your clothes.
Get on your knees, and you ask God to allow you to return to where you want to be, not to this hell on earth; But it was too late. You try to understand the world, hoping to earn understanding with your kindness in exchange for a place to live. Yet no matter how hard you try, even to give everything you have to this world, you still can't be accepted. You try to find a way to the world you yearn for, but this world is like a labyrinth that you can never change the ruthless tricks and troubles of fate...
Weak and kind, you will never understand why such a large world, which even contains all living beings, has no place for you to live; Pure mercy means that you will never understand this unjust world. With all sorrow and pain, with all that endless worry and love, you have finally freed yourself from the chains of this devilish world and returned to your kingdom of heaven...
2. Childhood
On the afternoon of July 14, 1956, with bursts of light crying, with purity and kindness, accompanied by longing and yearning, a life fell to the ground. This is you, born into a poor and ignorant family because of the errors of the gods and time. Although you are beautiful and lovable, your parents have no time to take care of the hardships of life. When you were four years old, your family could no longer make ends meet on your father's meager income, thanks to your aunt who lived in the countryside and adopted you.
When night fell, my aunt was exhausted from a hard day's work, but in order not to disappoint her little princess, she always described those fascinating fairy tales for you, and the moving myths often transported you to that magical and wonderful world. Lying in your aunt's warm arms with a sweet smile, you fall asleep contentedly...
Time flies. Although life in the countryside is simple, the good thing is that you have a kind and kind aunt who always keeps the best meals for you. Afraid that you would be hungry, whenever your uncle took you around to visit relatives and friends, your aunt always filled your pockets with bulging. With the aroma of snacks, the warmth of the fields and the friendship of friends, you have spent your childhood in the countryside in the blink of an eye.
You prefer the countryside, where the people are more amiable and friendly than those in the city. The friends in the village are simple and friendly, kind and helpful. In their eyes, you are their princess, frolicking around you all day in the pond and countryside, chasing through the jungle fields. Do you believe that one day your inner prince charming will kneel down and woo you forever...
The sun and moon cycle, the stars alternate, and in the blink of an eye, you have become a beautiful girl. Your uncle suddenly realizes that life in the countryside may ruin your life, and tries to finally get you back to the city. However, the gods of luck did not come to you, and the changes in urban life have caused you to suffer again. Eight years of rural life have made you forget the urban language; Poverty makes you have to wear the same garments day in and day out ...
The contempt and ridicule of your classmates and neighbors and children make you feel ashamed, and you can only bury your tears deep in your heart in order not to let your parents bear your loneliness and sorrow. However, you also need friends, and you need the warm love of relatives and friends. Kindness and sincerity finally made you get a piece of your own world, but the good times didn't last long, just as you were complacent about your efforts, your family moved again. Since then, you have lost the world of friends you have just established, and you have returned to the loneliness of the past...
3. First love
Because of Mao Zedong, a large number of educated youths were sent from the cities to the countryside to settle down, and of course you are not immune. In 1975, you were sent to Chongming Farm, and with it was another pain and suffering. You were too weak to bear the heavy work in the fields, and the scorching sun caused you to faint in the fields of the farm several times. Thanks to the help of your friends, you can get a competent accounting job on the farm.
You may have had your own ideals, but the bad luck that follows always makes it difficult to fulfill your ideals. The boring farm life makes life boring and decadent; The mainland's peculiar political system has made certain cadres more unscrupulous and do whatever they want. Some of the female companions in the same room did not hesitate to trade their bodies to find a way to return to the city, and they no longer seemed to care if you had fallen asleep in the same room while they traded. The small and the ordinary cause no one to pay attention to your existence, and the worries torment you like invisible shackles that make you at a loss ...
You once had your first love. Your beauty, your simple smile and your sweet voice always touch people's hearts so easily. However, after a long period of adversity, you never dare to expect too much. Like a mimosa in the storm, you have to hide yourself in everything in order to survive. You always bury your love in the depths of your heart, and you dare not accept the attachment and love of others. It's like the Cinderella in the Crystal Slipper story, you are so difficult to get people's attention and discover.
The bloody storm of the unprecedented Cultural Revolution has finally passed. After six years of confusion and torture, you finally have a chance to goTens of thousands of educated youths were able to return to the city. However, that bizarre and copper-smelling metropolis is no longer the Shanghai that you and I are familiar with. People quickly shifted from political fanaticism to the cult of money. The temptation and lust for money makes your parents and your ruthless brother even more self-interested. Ignoring your wishes, they are not afraid of brotherhood, and they secretly plot to trade your beauty for marriage in exchange for the money they covet...
However, intimidation and inducement do not bring you to your knees, because you have your very own Prince Charming in mind.
Fourth, love
each other That's when we fell in love. Although the time is short, we do not have enough opportunities to get to know each other, but similar experiences resonate with you and me. Your straightforwardness and simplicity convinced me that you were the life partner I was looking for. Even though I can't be the Prince Charming you think you are, I know I will love you with all my heart and soul. I will bring you warmth and security with my love, so that you will never be bullied again, and do all I can and my life for you ...
Their dreams were dashed by my poverty, and our love shattered their illusions. In order to break us up, they put pressure on you in every way. If one plan fails, another plan will be implemented; He tried to make us retreat with a covenant of marriage. Countless efforts have been in vain and disappointing, for we will never be able to gain their understanding or understanding ...
There are only two paths before you and me: one is to stay at the mercy of the home that no longer loves you; The second is to break through their obstruction and follow our own path. Although we knew that this was a difficult and difficult path, we still chose the latter without hesitation. Because we firmly believe that the power of love can create a better future with our hands. Although life is always so unsatisfactory, you have just jumped out of the sea of suffering, and you still have to face the prejudice of traditional concepts when you don't even have a change of clothes.
People who have lost their faith and are crazy about money have become so worldly and self-interested; We finally broke through the obstacles and changed the kitchen at home into our new house, but we still had to face the objections of our families. People think that your background is not a good match for me, and some have even suggested that your past be reviewed to prove your innocence. The eyes of people who have just come from the Cultural Revolution and are carried away by money worship are so ruthless. . .
Our union had no weddings, no feasts, and even the most modest honeymoon was criticized. Worldly prejudices make you have to swallow helpless tears again and again. My heart is broken as your husband. For this reason, I pray silently, hoping that a merciful God will show us a clear way. I have sworn to God: with my hands we will be lifted out of poverty, and with my life I will restore you warmth and comfort, that my love may melt your past suffering and fear, and that you will never be hurt again. However, in the face of layers of pressure, I broke my promise...
I am so small, so incompetent in the face of the prejudices of the world, that I have no place to be ashamed of myself in front of you ...
5. Go abroad
God has finally given us a chance to live a new life, and you and I have been fighting for eight years. Despite our double debts, both domestic and foreign, and the responsibility of caring for our elderly uncle, who had been swept away, we accepted the challenge of fate with ease. Not for anything else, in order to give ourselves a fair opportunity to challenge fate, but also to open up a new world of free flying for our little princess.
Eight years of dreaming of going abroad, from Canada to the United States, from the United States to Hong Kong, and from Hong Kong back to Canada; No one thought we would have a chance to go abroad. However, with my relentless foolish spirit, the dream finally came true. In October 1987, bidding farewell to the bitter and vicissitudes of the yellow earth, with the passion of striving for entrepreneurship, facing the goose feather snow in the sky, we finally came to the paradise on earth.
When I was still on the mainland, although I knew a little about the West, I knew that it was not paradise either. In addition to being full of opportunities and realizing one's potential, it is also full of pitfalls and sins. But everyone said that Canada was one of the best countries in the West, and I had a loved one who had the same blood as me to greet us.
Yet the same loved one whom we regard as his own father, who also takes advantage of our kindness and weakness, has ruthlessly hurt us ... We are desperate. What kind of world is this? Why have people become so selfish, denied their relatives, and cruel and ruthless?!
In the first two years of coming to Canada, although the income was not abundant, and the language was not understood; However, the Chinese virtues of frugality and diligence have finally allowed us to save a little while paying off our debts, and at the same time I have a good job. Although I got up early and returned late, I didn't take a vacation, I didn't see the light of day, and I didn't have the opportunity to share the warmth of the family, but I am still proud that I can once again provoke the pillars of the family in a foreign country, and create a warm home for my beloved and our beloved little princess.
Because of my culinary experience and skills, some people have invited me to co-found the restaurant. The same skin color, similar background, made me believe that everyone would fulfill their promises, but I was still too naïve and naïve. In any case, I can't imagine that in their eyes, I am just a bridge for their success.
Giving up their good wages, they managed to build a restaurant on the ground and get their business on track, but the bridge to cross the river no longer had its original value. In the face of profits, the partners broke their promises, and we lost almost half of our savings... The reality was so cruel and unforgiving that I was even more overwhelmed. It was you, who silently made up for my broken heart with your warmth, and made me muster the courage to live again.
6. Entrepreneurship
Anger, grievances, and grievances led me to ignore the advice of my friends and hastily take over a small restaurant in the middle of nowhere, which was never profitable, in an attempt to make a comeback. Due to the lack of funds, there is no advertising, no fanfare decoration, and no banquet is opened to pave the façade to attract the attention of customers; Relying only on my confident cooking skills and sincere and family-like service, I started my business and won customers.
Thanks to the Lord's kindness, it is such a small restaurant that changes owners almost every six months, but it has brought us life and let us see the hope of starting a business. From sparse to full of customers, the guests are still patiently waiting outside the door to taste the dishes, and the hard work and labor have finally paid off.
Whenever we see the number of employees constantly increasing due to the overburst, and even our little princess sometimes joins our team to give tea and water to the guests; We are sincerely grateful, grateful that the god of luck has finally favored our Lao Yan who has been hovering on the edge of life. The harvest of hard work has added joy to us, and the only deficiency is that we are not able to take good care of our only beloved daughter, and we have no time to take care of her growth, regret and guilt.
We began to try to build our own love nest, and we took advantage of the two half-day shop days a week to enjoy the warmth of our little jasper, and the rare leisure gave our beloved little princess the opportunity to express her affection. I thought that we could get rid of and forget all kinds of misfortunes and troubles in the past, but because of the turmoil of Chinese mainland's reform, we once again fell into another trap...
The double whammy of the economic depression and the loss of our father caused us to abandon the small restaurant we had worked so hard to build. In the absence of a decision on where to start our own careers, we, who are trying to help our families in the mainland get out of poverty as soon as possible, do not change our cars or buy houses, but still pour out our money to help our relatives in the mainland get rich; However, the turmoil of the mainland's economic reform did not bring good news to our relatives on the mainland, and the fanaticism of blind business made my all-encompassing sister become greedy for profit and completely forgot her own ability and our trust, so that we lost all our money.
The silk garment business, which was expected to travel for the mainland, may bring us a glimmer of opportunityHowever, they were deterred by the incorrect business concept that the people on the mainland had just set foot in the free economy. The frenzy of money worship has made people lose their minds and lose their minds, and I have to negotiate-for-tat with my relatives and friends in the mainland because of the loss of my Canadian customers.
The silk industry, which was supposed to be full of vitality, was destroyed by the factors of man-made vicious competition on the mainland, so that we also accumulated a large amount of overdue inventory that was not shipped according to the customer's requirements, and became one of the victims of the bitter fruits of vicious competition in the mainland's silk industry. For this reason, I had to go south to the United States several times to find business opportunities...
7. Mystery
The unforgiving truth made me unable to balance myself, and the brutal blows made me despair again. Sitting on the top of that high mountain, I asked why the way of the world was so sinister, and the sky was silent; Ask God why the world is so ruthless, God is speechless; Again, why can't the god of fate give so much more charity or enable us to maintain the warmth of a small jasper? But the only thing that answered me was the sound of the jungle and the thunder on the eve of the storm...
I can't bear to look at you, who are tormented by my soul, and once again warm my increasingly cold heart with your weak body. It was you, with your ordinary and simple heartfelt words, to re-inject me with the confidence and courage to make a comeback. I work hard and work hard; I hope that my attachment will influence the god of luck and favor us again. Although I can't always be by your side, I thought that the accumulation of wealth would at least bring you comfort in life, but I was completely wrong...
The taste of the wild goose flying apart is painful. The flying pigeon cannot express the affection between you and me, and the telecommunication cannot shorten the distance between Florida and Mongolia; I can't talk about the pain of lovesickness between each other... I advised you to abandon the backlog of silk garments and go to the United States to start a new business, but I couldn't bear to see me lose too much of you, and insisted on selling small batches in Mengcheng, while finding me a job as a chef and persuading me to try to recreate the world in the same place.
Finally, in the face of career, money and family love, I chose the latter. He gave up the opportunity to return to the hotel group and reinstate his career, and also gave up the opportunity to rebuild his business in the United States, and returned to Monte City to re-enter the kitchen and resume his old job as a chef. Not for anything else, just for "I wish people a long time, thousands of miles together", but everything seems to be too late...
When you learned that I had decided to return to Montene, in addition to inquiring about a suitable job for me, I searched around to find a love nest that suited us to live and work in peace and contentment. In the dark, you silently arranged everything. The viewing of the natural scenic spots of Vermang, the outing of the Lanminfu Nature Zoo and the excursion of the old capital of Canada turned out to be the last days of family reunion.
What we never expected was that our reunion would be so short and short. You, who have never been keen on worshipping the Buddha, suddenly asked me to worship the Buddha and incense together, and repeatedly asked me to squeeze out time to listen to the lay monks who are good at understanding numerology to calculate the future of you and me. Ignorant and dull, I thought it was a joke in the face of the warnings of lay monks; Even a few days before the accident, you still didn't notice why you've been so depressed lately?
Contrary to the past, you waited until late at night when I came home from work and still didn't sleep. I didn't have time to pay attention to your abnormality due to the exertion of work, so I only said a little hello as usual and then dragged my tired body to bed. Silently staring at me, you suddenly muttered to yourself without knowing how to speak, "... It seems that this family is no longer important if I have it or not... "Pedantic, I can't imagine that this is really a farewell. Stupid, I'm just trying to persuade you not to fall asleep with your head and whirring around when you're cranky...
Two days before the accident, you and your beloved daughter took a group photo on the computer in the mall. When I came home late at night, I stared at the shadow, and a sense of foreboding suddenly hit me, but I couldn't crack the mystery... Although the photo is rolled up, I have repeatedly told you to destroy it and re-shadow your daughter, but I don't expect this shadow to be the last photo of you and your beloved daughter; And in the past few days, the ordinary and trivial whispers between you and me have become a farewell gift...
8. Contingency
A heavy snowfall in the early morning of November 30 covered the city of Mengcheng, and although the midday sun added a bit of sparkle to the snow, it did not relieve the bitter cold of the early winter, but the roar of the hurricane made people feel more desolate. I was in a hurry to go to work, and I suddenly realized that you were also going out, and I was going to send you to give up because of repeated refusals, but unexpectedly, the disaster was over, and death was coming...
I hurried to the hospital after receiving my beloved daughter's complaint, and you who were already unconscious never had a chance to say goodbye to us... The quack's lack of medical skills, combined with a full seven hours of delay, makes you never wake up even after surgery. The tragic lesson of my father's tragic death in the Mengcheng Hospital made me dare not neglect the slightest bit. Guarding your hospital bed day and night, I not only asked people to ask for a prescription, but also negotiated with the hospital again and again to ensure that the hospital would keep its promise and actively rescue you; But it was all in vain...
It was only a few jets apart from the promise he had just made that the abominable quack had made a move without me knowing it. Seeing your blood pressure disappear and your body temperature drop, I repeatedly questioned the hospital and begged for help, but it was all in vain... ARTICLE 99 "It was like a thunderbolt from the blue, and I almost lost my breath. When I learned the truth, my blood swelled, and I was furious.
The unjust death of my father is still vivid, and the tragedy of misfortune has not yet been resolved, and now the tragedy has been repeated again in you. Who said that Canada is a paradise on earth, and who said that the West talks about human rights and fraternity? Is it simply because of linguistic and cultural differences, or because in a white-dominated society, we immigrants of color are reduced to inferior citizens and deserve discrimination?
Even though the hospital claimed that it had resumed the rescue administration, it was all a hoax! I believe that I don't know anything about medicine, and I am obsessively guarding your side and hoping for a miracle, but everything has gone back to heaven. Quacks who disregard human life not only deprive you of the best chance of rescue, trample on human dignity, but also deprive you of the most basic right to live.
Again, I pray for God's mercy. Hold your hand tightly as it loses its temperature, and keep blaming myself for my negligence. For the umpteenth time, I beg your forgiveness; Touching your hand that is getting rougher and rougher when I build a love nest with me, tears accompany me to gently hum the most favorite tune of you and me when we get together, hoping to call you up with the help of the divine power of Eros...
Kneel before you, looking up at the vast blue sky, I pray again, I beg the heavens again and again to allow my life to be exchanged for your rebirth; For our daughters must not be without a mother's love. If providence compels us to make painful choices, that is my choice. Moreover, God should give you a fair opportunity to enjoy the paradise of the world and not just to make you suffer the sufferings and misfortunes of the world ...
9. Farewell
Suddenly, I saw my daughter rushing into your hospital room with the goose-yellow bear doll in her arms, the relic of her father's death, and I knew that everything was irreparable... In despair, I suddenly realized that the surroundings had lost all their brilliance except for black and white. I can't imagine how I, who have lost the meaning and color of life, can raise my beloved daughter who has not yet crossed the twelfth year and fulfill my promise?
Looking at my beloved daughter, whose eyes were red and swollen from crying, and tears stained, love, regret and helplessness hit my heart at the same time. I kept blaming myself, why did I have to wait for the catastrophe to fall before I suddenly woke up? Ignorant and dull, I always thought that wealth and money would at least give you what you didn't dare to hope for or have in the past; However, I forgot that as a woman, you are more concerned about caring, understanding, love and thoughtfulness. Besides, you're so sentimental. In front of you, I suddenly feel that I am so incompetent and failing.
Today, you are trying to regain my sobriety with your precious life and let me understand the true meaning of life. Eight days and nights of hard work and anticipation have become our farewell... I have not done my duty, and I am even more worthy of being your husband, so that I will not be able to confess my faults when you are dying. Your parting has made me regret it for the rest of my life...
Your heart is great. In order to help others, you can do nothing in return. You can even accept a family of passers-by who meet in Pingshui to eat and live at home for free for a long time without complaint. You have endured endless stress and pain for this home, giving more than you instinctively. You have left me everything you can, and you have never asked for anything in return. You are like an angel sent by God to come into this world to save my soul ...
In this moment of grief, I suddenly woke up from my sleep. Although you have left this world today, your kindness and purity, your heroic smile, your beautiful figure and your pleasant and sweet voice will always be engraved in my heart... Rest in peace, my dear. You have completed the journey of your life, and the Lord has given me the comfort to witness your soul enter the kingdom of heaven.
Say a word of cherishing my bosom friend, what has been lost is irretrievable, and those who live must better complete the course of life. Bear heart, my dear, no matter how miserable my life may be without you, I will still fulfill my promise - to do my best to make the crystallization of our love grow healthy and tenacious, more intelligent, and more thoughtful; so that she can get a good education and create a better future for herself...
Rest in peace, my dear lady, and it is only today that I have come to realize how much I love you that I cannot give up, that I am so affectionate and persistent. I will pray for you at all times, asking the Lord to bless you perfectly, to make you feel at ease in the palace of Heaven, and to be happy with you forever...
I will continue to do good and help the weak, so that God and you will forgive me, and seek justice for you, for me, and for the injustice of the world. At that time, the stars in the sky will be brighter, the moon on the fifteenth will be rounder, and the sun's brilliance will be even more brilliant!
* Sending love to my beloved wife, Ms. Ren Cuiqin. Ms. Yam Tsui-kam died on 30 November 1995 at the age of Chinese New Year's Eve, Quelange, Canada, at 3:30 a.m. in volunteer service at YWCA downtown montreal.
May fraternity care for every class and let happiness live forever in the world!
[Farewell] 10. Postscript
Counting carefully, in fact, today should be my widow [Note1] The 11th anniversary of Xie Shi's death. [Farewell] was finally written, but the lawsuit filed in the Quebec Court in '98 to get justice for my widow was lost. I thought that this murder case because the doctor and the hospital trampled on the patient's basic right to life, including medical negligence and delay, should be very beneficial to us, but due to the confidence and negligence of my lawyer when he filed the case, the main topic of the case was ruthlessly kicked out before the court saw the light of day. To this day, I am still arguing for my widow's murder and continuing to negotiate with the federal court to try to reopen the case. 其實從八七年來加到九五年我遺妻出事前，作為華人群體之一的我同樣和絕大多數的華人一樣，萬事均抱一個 “忍”字以求息事寧人。雖對來自主流社會的歧視不公有所感受，卻尚無實質上的感觸。橫禍天降，家破人亡由此而來的厄運連連令我飽嚐了官僚及歧視造成的種種不公的苦果，從此使我不得不對華人傳統的處事方法“忍”字訣產生懷疑。然而作為生活在社會底層既無權勢又無地位的移民的我，又奈其何？ 由於這一切均發生在對語言文化極其敏感的魁省，而我偏偏又不會法語。正如其中一位網友說的，“在魁省不講法語，指望靠英語向政府討回公道實在是希望渺茫”。。。事實真是如此。何況我還是黃皮膚整天操著蹩腳英語的亞裔人？十年來，無論我如何抗爭努力，由市府到魁省，由魁省到聯邦；由報社到電台，又由電台到電視，結果還是處處碰壁。僅僅由蒙城的一家英文周報【HOURS】於九七年冒天下之大不韙將我的不公遭遇公布於世，隻此而已。 事實上歧視和不公無處不在：無論就主流社會也好，即便少數族裔的社團之間亦罷。這便是為什麽才到加國不久的我，盡管言語不通，還是定了“無論打工、做生意絕不涉足中國城”的原則。原因之一是八七年的蒙城，由於大陸移民寥寥無幾，不通廣東話的在中國城幾乎寸步難行，由此遭遇白眼實在不算了什麽大事；另外一個原因是本身亦不想把自己禁錮在狹隘的生活圈內；如果僅僅滿足於此，那麽出不出國本質上實在亦無什麽大的區別。 當時的中國城已經競爭相當激烈，而絕大部分海外華人從事的生意無外乎餐館和雜貨零售兩大項。即便不在唐人街，尚有一個普遍的現象是，當某個餐館成功了，不久在其周圍接二連三的開個一串企望從中分一杯殘羹；其結果自然不言而喻了。惡性競爭招致而來的是不惜成本的相互殺價，結果在逼得資金匱乏的餐館倒閉關門的同時，自己亦大傷元氣。這些在九十年代多倫多和蒙城唐人街的龍蝦大戰便可見一斑。 與其在一棵樹上吊死，何不另辟天地？這便是我不願涉足中國城的另一個原因。故我的客人中很少有華裔客人，而當時亦很少與華人圈子交往。然而隨著人生的變故交替，我又回到了華人社圈，使我有幸再次嚐試海外華人社團的炎涼世故。 九一年因蒙城猶太醫院的醫生私下斷了藥物治療令我父親不幸去世，由此對我的心靈造成了很大的打擊和壓力。當時我的心理非常矛盾，雖意識到醫生在我父親的醫療上存在嚴重的贖職；但想想我父親已屬於肺癌晚期，生還渺茫。再則我的客人大部分都來自猶太醫院，不然這麽偏僻的小餐館亦很難生存；因此在感情上也不想興訟。想不到更有甚之的卻再次發生在我遺妻的身上。。。 由於蒙城普濟醫院的醫生無視我的要求，甚至違背頭天當著我和我的親友的麵所作的承諾；在我完全不知情的情況下斷然對我遺妻采取了“安樂死”。消息證實後的我猶如突然遭受了雷擊，震駭得我一時懷疑是否真的生活在這個世人公認的人間天堂？猛然醒悟過來的我已經到了忍無可忍的地步，但生活中從未用過律師的我卻一時又不知去哪裏找。ENZA MARTUCCILLI 便是這樣進入了我的生活並由此成了我生命中的一顆揮之不去的災星。 如果當時的蒙城華人服務中心能就我唯一的請求幫助推薦一位律師；如果不是官僚的加國司法製度竟然讓一個不稱職的罰以社區公共服務的、靠詐騙營生的冒牌律師在蒙城基督教婦女青年會的法律援助部門為公眾提供法律服務，按理說我的生活與其幾乎沒有什麽可能相碰。大凡詐騙的都很容易掌握目標的心理弱點而施計得手，ENZA MARTUCCILLI 亦是。 試想麵對一個口口聲聲以處於乳癌晚期仍常常為了正義幫助弱者而連藥都買不起的窮律師來說，除了內疚、同情和憐憫之外還有什麽可以做的？法律和司法知識的貧乏加上對加國的製度了解甚微及，更由於不幸喪妻之慘痛，非常情緒化的我很快便陷入了其圈套而無法自拔。。。有關細節包括某些網友對於為何我會出於援手幫助類似卑鄙小人何卿銳之流的質疑，詳情將在以後的係列文章一一提及，以警後人。 就主流社會而言，對我的不幸遭遇了解較多的如 PROJECT GENESIS, ACTION AUTOLOMIE, HEAD & HANDS LEGAL CLINIC, QUEBEC OMBUDSMAN 等起先亦持懷疑態度；在沒有見到我的證據和法庭文件之前，都以為我所陳述的種種不公猶如天方夜譚，不可思議。因為生活在主流社會的是很難有如此體會，更難信服這一切竟然發生在一個法製健全的社會；即便這一切偏偏都是事實。 直到得到我的社工證實並親眼目睹我出示的證據和法庭的文本以後，一些機構才表示願意聲援並希望相關機構和政府部門予以重視，妥善解決。在多次協調不果的情況下，零二年 QUEBEC OMBUDSMAN 負責我的投訴的官員 FRANCE HUDON 和趙秀媚女士聯係希望蒙城華人服務中心能就我的冤案伸以援手的同時，一再鼓勵我重新回歸華人社團尋求聲援；於是便有了華人服務中心的聲援書。 遺憾的是除了一封聲援信之外，中心並沒有提供任何實質性的幫助，連約好的和法律援助仲裁庭的聽證會，華服中心的律師亦沒有到會。結果讓幾位仲裁官們白白等了半小時之餘，當然我的申辯肯定告吹了。也在同時，一位好心的朋友勸我不妨將我的不幸遭遇貼到蒙城華人網的論壇上供大家討論。鑒於網上的反響和就我類似遭遇的反饋，由此我產生了希望有一個能真正為華人代言的團體的強烈願望。 星期天的討論會曾紅火一時。與某某人士操辦的文化節發生爭執的一幕雖然令人寒心掉眉，但透過蒙城華人網論壇使我有緣得以和大家網上見麵，更因此有幸結交了一些共鳴共識的朋友。目睹華人團體的“各人自掃門前雪”陋習所引發的負麵效應，激發了盡自己的綿力為他人排難解憂提供方便的善舉。寫到此處，不由再次聯想到了忠誠地產公司的張錦輝先生【注2】。華人互助聯盟的因種種原因無疾而終，而本人的不幸遭遇上網以後亦遭到某些人的非議和曲解。何去何從？ 命運之神和我開了一個極大的玩笑，使我有幸領教並親身經曆體驗了加國及魁省醫療、行政和司法的弱點弊病，厄運連連的煎熬令我生活在地獄一般，使我得以對人生價值觀進行了一次次的反思。劫後重生，令我意識到僅僅停留在抱怨民族的劣根性是遠遠不夠的，要想改變 “豈管他人瓦上霜” 民族之痼疾，事情必須得由自身做起，這便是為何雖華人互助聯盟無疾而終我仍堅持為華人做一些力所能及的工作之初衷了。 我不是什麽學者，亦沒有什麽高深的文化內涵。因此我所寫的、所議論的根本無法登攀文人博士們的大雅之堂；然而作為少數族裔平民百姓中的一員，我的不平和感受，實在是出於社會最底層對於人為造成的不公現象的呐喊。我所努力的一切除了為我和我的家人之不幸鳴不平，更希望主流社會及政府司法有關機構部門能從我的不幸的感受中有所觸動警覺，以免類似的悲劇再次重演，累及無辜。 盡管我的不幸和官僚歧視有很大關聯，但是理想主義，感情處事，過於愛憎分明，這些弱點亦是令我厄運連連的另一個成因。今後的路怎麽走？還是要寫。透過為他人排難解憂及網上一些求助的信息的啟發，決定除了將自身的遭遇經曆付諸文字為他人作為借鑒之外，亦準備寫一些有關社會現象方麵的議論。較多感觸的是商品社會產生的價值觀所帶來的家庭婚姻和危機，造成一些夫妻和家庭成員間互相猜疑，反目相向，因此今後的文章當然不免涉及到這方麵的題材。 本以為我雖然在物質上沒能處於上流，然在感情上堪稱富有；但續弦不顧婚戀八年，更棄於和我共生的倆女與人私奔，令我僅剩的富有以喪失遺盡。從獲知文學城網將【關於丈夫打妻的善後及其它】一文數次置頂，加國無憂網將【惜別】一文作為精選；到一封封求助郵件和一個個電話及蒙城華人網上的【USEFUL TELEPONE NUMBER FOR QUEBEC - CHINESE】包括剛剛在文學城建立的博客【珍惜人生，互助互愛】頻頻的點擊率，為此續【惜別】後我亦會抽時間將我的婚戀的遭遇種種付諸文字以佑後人。 上帝【注3】是公平的。雖然金錢與我無緣，更在情愛婚戀上亦讓我曆經磨難打擊重重，卻成就了我的思維不曾有過的富有。感謝愛神的眷顧，令我能在多重打擊之餘仍能麵對現實，堅持一步步的跋涉人生的一道道險灘，攀登一座座懸崖而不棄，相信九泉之下的遺妻倘若有知亦應該為此釋懷了。 當然，我的寫作如同孩兒學步，在文人墨客麵前班門弄斧也著實汗顏；況且我的人生經曆可以說是一個失敗的過程，捫心自問有沒有必要？思想再三，認為還是不該怯步。因為，在這商品化的社會，留下一些財富讓自己的後代應急固然是重要的；不過最重要的是如果他們能從前人留下的的人生軌跡中得以借鑒，萬事能做到三思而後行，這才是真正的財富。 該走的路還是很長，要做的事亦是很多。怎樣才能找回人生價值而不至於虛度餘生？在絕望中得以找回自我的我雖仍在作人生價值的探索，卻已不再彷徨。能夠不再成為金錢的奴隸，得以超脫並重新發現活著的意義，實在是我人生的不幸之大幸。雖然仍需為生活奮鬥，卻無須再為五鬥米折腰，能因此麵對瑣事泰然處之，餘生還有何求？至於我的一番議論竟與當今金錢第一的商品社會如此格格不入，亦不再重要，更無須顧及了。 祝有情人終成眷屬，盼各個家庭父慈母愛，子女孝道；願博愛眷顧每一階層，讓幸福仁慈常駐人間直到永遠！
修改於2011年10月28日
【注1】 關於“遺妻”一詞的釋疑：“遺妻”一詞純屬臆造，但由於感情上無法用“亡”字；就如我以英語寫的【SAY GOODBYE】不願使用“DIE”一詞而用“PASSED AWAY”而取代一樣。盡管我女兒多次為我指正，最後我之所以還是沒有采用，其實還是由於感情上無法接受。
【注2】 關於張錦輝先生：張先生曾是熱衷於為海外華人、留學生們提供幫助的熱心人士，而八九民運中受其恩惠的更不乏其人。寒心的是，在張先生參加華總會競選時，那些受其恩惠，拿到了移民紙的卻作鳥獸散，均不知去了哪裏？一氣之下，張先生對求其幫助的後來人大發牢騷，“你們為什麽不去找華服中心，華協會等那些領了政府資助的，卻偏偏跑到這裏來找我？”
【注3】 關於【惜別】一文中“上帝”一詞的運用：其實“上帝”一詞在這裏隻是泛指，之所以使用“上帝”一詞僅僅是為了寫作方便而已。雖然在共產主義統治下完成思想啟蒙的我宗教意識相當模糊，但世代秉承篤信佛教的我還是以為佛教的理念較容易接納。
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Thank you for your encourage... Sorry, long while I didn't take care my blog; I just return from my trip with China, Thailand, Malaysia and Singapore. When I find a time, I will post more articles with some new photos.
You are right! That was one of the reason for me to post all these facts in order to remind people pay closer attention, protect and fight for our rights.
To me today, it's not so important if I will win the case or not. And I wish with my fight, at least will bring public attention to avoid the similar terrible case happen to the others.
Mary Christmas & Happy New Year!
Also, I want to tell you... the stupid medical system hurts not your wife, but others as well. My mother-in-law is the victim of this syste. She is a white Canadian. I do hope you will win your justice.
Best of the luck.
Blessing!